Our Garden

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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Sid
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Our Garden

Post by Sid » Sat Nov 23, 2019 9:38 am

Version 2

Just above the dry creek bed
which only spills over during rain
and above the Sandstone rockface
smoothed by water ages past
into a rolling wave.
Upon which a Cammeraygal
may have sat bathed in the sun
delicately painting drained emu eggs
With colours still growing on this Land -
flows of various shades of green,
Leaves thin and broad and branched.

Australian natives flowering
bold reds topped with points of gold:
Grevillea, Callistemon and Eucalypts
whisper wind-swept stories in their leaves
While Exotics flower with bright pinks and deeper reds; Camellias, Azaleas, Bromeliads
and Madonna Lillies burst into colour
beneath the shadow of the Flowering Peach
beautiful in their introduced glory.
Yet the garden must always be cultivated
With care, effort and time.

Ever growing wild, it is
home to the local native fauna
King parrots, echidnas and bandicoots
Tended to for fifty thousand years
by First Nation Custodians
I embark to continue the tradition
To nourish, maintain and grow
Our Garden.


Version 1

Just above the dry creek bed
which only spills over during rain
and above the Sandstone rockface
smoothed by water ages past
into a rolling wave
upon which a Cammeraygal
may have sat bathed in the sun
delicately painting drained emu eggs
With colours still growing on this Land -
flows of various shades of green,
Leaves thin and broad and branched
Australian natives flowering
bold reds topped with points of gold:
Grevillea, Callistemon and Eucalypts
whisper wind-swept stories in their leaves
While Exotics flower with bright pinks and deeper reds; Camellias, Azaleas, Bromeliads
and Madonna Lillies burst into colour
beneath the shadow of the Flowering Peach
beautiful in their introduced glory.
Yet the garden must always be cultivated
With care, effort and time
Ever growing wild, it is
home to the local native fauna
King parrots, echidnas and bandicoots
Tended to for fifty thousand years
by First Nation Custodians
I embark to continue the tradition
To nourish, maintain and grow
Our Garden.

Original

Metres above the dry creek bed
which only spills over during rain
and above the Sandstone rockface
smoothed by water ages past
into a rolling wave.
Upon which a Cammeraygal
may have sat bathed in the sun
delicately painting drained emu eggs
With colours still growing on this Land -
flows of various shades of green,
Leaves thin and broad and branched
Australian natives flowering
with reds topped with points of gold:
Grevillea, Callistemon and Eucalypts
whisper wind swept stories in their leaves
While Exotics flower with bright pinks and deeper reds; Camellias, Azaleas, Bromeliads
and Madonna Lillies burst in to colour
beneath the shadow of the flowering peach
beautiful in their introduced glory.
Yet the garden must always be cultivated
With care, effort and time
Ever growing wild, steered towards its optimum
Home to the native fauna
King parrots, echidnas and bandicoots
Tended to for fifty thousand years
by First Nation custodians
Now future caretakers must select
To continue the tradition
To nourish, maintain and grow
Our Garden.
Last edited by Sid on Mon Nov 25, 2019 6:21 am, edited 7 times in total.
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

Riverrose
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Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:53 pm

Re: Our Garden

Post by Riverrose » Sat Nov 23, 2019 3:18 pm

I'm new here, but I think I'll take the plunge! I really liked some of the images here, and some of the devices you used. "Leaves thin and broad and branched" has some lovely alliteration and with its format of ' __and__and __ ' changed up the flow of the poem in a good way. I could feel the foliage spreading out as I read it. It forced me to slow down, like reaching the top of a hill, and then speeding down again with being able to say the next line faster. With the next line I would remove the first "with." "Their" could help the flow of it.
I also like the specifics you give--the lists have the same slowing effect I mentioned, contrasted with the lines that follow them. They also give a contrast of purely "physical" description, followed by the artistic, poetic description of "whisper wind swept stories in their leaves" (nice alliteration too) and "burst in to colour / beneath the shadow of the flowering peach".

My eye did, however, have a bit of trouble getting into the poem. I'm not certain why. I kept rereading the first few lines before I could move it on. There was also a few things you could clean up here: "wind-swept" instead of "wind swept", "into colour" instead of "in to colour", and the list of flowers might belong on its own line. The wording of the last few lines threw me off a bit too, especially "select". It did not feel quite like a poem anymore when reading aloud.

Thanks for the poem! Much enjoyed. Hope I could help!

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Our Garden

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Nov 23, 2019 3:41 pm

.
Hi Sid,
bit of a flat start with 'meters' (do you need it?)
and the last the lines are rather like a lecture.
The central image is excellent, though. But
I think you could be vigorous in your pruning.
(Did wonder why no capital for 'peach'?)

A somewhat brutal suggestion

above the dry creek bed
which spills over during rain
above the Sandstone rock face
smoothed into a rolling wave
on which a Cammeraygal
may have sat and bathed
in the sun painting
drained emu eggs With colours
growing on this Land: Grevillea,
Callistemon and Eucalypts, whisper
wind swept stories in their leaves
Arrivals with bright pinks and deeper reds;
Camellias, Azaleas, Madonna Lillies,
Bromeliads - burst beneath the shadow
of the flowering peach.
A garden Ever growing wild


Regards, Not

.

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Sid
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Re: Our Garden

Post by Sid » Sat Nov 23, 2019 5:25 pm

Thanks Riverrose for your comments and welcome to the forum. Hope you enjoy it here.

I have taken on board your and Not’s comments and adjusted in version 1.

Not Quite sure why I hadn’t capitalised “Flowering Peach” now have adjusted.

I would rather not cull the poem as severely as you have advised Not. It loses a bit of its flow in your (much shorter) version. I have posted too many short poems so would prefer a longer submission in this instance.
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

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Perry
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Re: Our Garden

Post by Perry » Sun Nov 24, 2019 9:59 am

I'm looking at the second version, and the most notable thing to me is that there isn't good sentence structure. The whole thing seems to be composed of a couple run-on sentences. As a writer with formalist sentiments, I need more structure in a poem in order to appreciate it. I don't want to do the work of deciphering your poem. As the poet, you need to do that for me.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

Macavity
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Re: Our Garden

Post by Macavity » Sun Nov 24, 2019 12:24 pm

I enjoy the garden genre and I enjoyed your poem. The tradition, the meld of people and land, was my reading. Thank you for introducing me to the Cammeraygal.

My edit suggestion focus is on reducing the clog of adverbs and adjectives in the poem's arteries. I've also added some punctuation and white space to help me read the poem.
Sid wrote:
Sat Nov 23, 2019 9:38 am
Version 1

Above the dry creek bed
which spills over during rain
and above the Sandstone rockface
smoothed by water ages past
into a rolling wave
upon which a Cammeraygal
may have bathed in the sun
painting drained emu eggs
with colours still growing on this Land -
flows of green shades,
leaves thin and broad and branched.

Australian natives flowering
bold reds topped with points of gold:
Grevillea, Callistemon and Eucalypts
whisper wind-swept stories in their leaves.
While Exotics flower with bright pinks
and deeper reds; Camellias, Azaleas, Bromeliads
and Madonna Lillies burst into colour
beneath the shadow of the Flowering Peach.

The garden must be cultivated
with care, effort and time.
Ever growing wild, it is
home to the native fauna:
king parrots, echidnas and bandicoots.
Tended for fifty thousand years
by First Nation Custodians.
I continue the tradition:
to nourish and grow
Our Garden.



NotQuiteSure
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Re: Our Garden

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Nov 24, 2019 4:10 pm

Sid wrote:
Sat Nov 23, 2019 5:25 pm
Not Quite sure why I hadn’t capitalised “Flowering Peach” now have adjusted.
:)

.

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Sid
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Re: Our Garden

Post by Sid » Mon Nov 25, 2019 6:18 am

Thanks Perry and Mac.

I have adjusted to Version 2 in response to your comments.

Appreciate the feedback and good to be back on after the server issues.
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

Liliaea
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Joined: Fri Jan 03, 2020 9:31 am

Re: Our Garden

Post by Liliaea » Sat Jan 04, 2020 6:09 pm

It's almost like I'm reading the lines grow into a garden of poetry. It's like a spell.

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