Solace

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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Bhikku
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Solace

Post by Bhikku » Sat Dec 21, 2019 10:28 pm

Solace
Oh my heart don’t break
Nothing is at stake
Breath will come and breath will go
All you have to do is go with that flow
Let the mind wander lost in thoughts
It’s little more than recycled past
Feast on stars in the darkest of nights
Beauty will find you, crave not for light
And if the night gets darker still
Light is yet hidden in your deepest sill
Nothing in the world can that unmake
Oh my heart don’t break


This is my first post. I read about the recommendation to post two reviews before submitting your poem but honestly I do not feel i am qualified to provide any feedback to others yet. Just to give you a bit of background, i have stumbled at the age of 43 upon this need to voice some internal experiences that cannot be put into words in any other way than in what i tentatively call musings. The experience is quite cathartic and I wish to get better at it. I have no training in language or literature- I am a psychiatrist and I have been dealing with human experiences that cannot be put into words for so long that I suppose they are now leaking out of me in these musings. English is not my first language.

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Perry
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Re: Solace

Post by Perry » Sat Dec 21, 2019 11:02 pm

Bhikku wrote:
Sat Dec 21, 2019 10:28 pm
Solace
Oh my heart don’t break
Nothing is at stake
Breath will come and breath will go
All you have to do is go with that flow
Let the mind wander lost in thoughts
It’s little more than recycled past
Feast on stars in the darkest of nights
Beauty will find you, crave not for light
And if the night gets darker still
Light is yet hidden in your deepest sill
Nothing in the world can that unmake
Oh my heart don’t break


This is my first post. I read about the recommendation to post two reviews before submitting your poem but honestly I do not feel i am qualified to provide any feedback to others yet. Just to give you a bit of background, i have stumbled at the age of 43 upon this need to voice some internal experiences that cannot be put into words in any other way than in what i tentatively call musings. The experience is quite cathartic and I wish to get better at it. I have no training in language or literature- I am a psychiatrist and I have been dealing with human experiences that cannot be put into words for so long that I suppose they are now leaking out of me in these musings. English is not my first language.
Welcome to the forum, Bhikku. If that is your first effort at poetry -- especially in a language that is not your original language -- then you have done very well.

There are issues that new poets must answer for themselves. One issue is, whom do you write for? Are you writing just for yourself (as a kind of therapy)? Or are you writing for other people -- i.e., for the world? If you are writing for the world, then you will want to clean your poetry of trite and/or clichéd language. For example, "go with that flow" (usually said "go with the flow") is a cliché in English. Although most of your other language is not clichéd, it is nonetheless fairly common language for beginners to use, so many of those phrases have been said before.

If you are a psychiatrist, you undoubtedly have the intelligence and facility with words to improve rapidly and write good poetry, and I encourage you to keep writing. Simply ask yourself, "Is what I am writing original? Is it likely that someone has said it before? Have I found a way to say it which is fresh?" We all write about topics that have been written before, but a good poet tries to find a new perspective, or new language with which to say it.

Insofar as giving critique on other people's poems is concerned, I'm sure you are qualified to do so. Just share your honest opinion. Indeed, the opinion of a reader who is not educated in poetry can be very valuable to an experienced poet.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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Re: Solace

Post by Poet » Sun Dec 22, 2019 12:25 am

I though the poem was beautiful and had a cadence that I have seen before, not bad for your first post Bihikku, two thumbs up!

MilesTugeau
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Post by MilesTugeau » Sun Dec 22, 2019 12:52 am

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Last edited by MilesTugeau on Wed Jan 01, 2020 1:23 am, edited 2 times in total.

MilesTugeau
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Post by MilesTugeau » Sun Dec 22, 2019 7:39 am

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Last edited by MilesTugeau on Wed Jan 01, 2020 1:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

Bhikku
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Re: Solace

Post by Bhikku » Sun Dec 22, 2019 11:37 am

Thank you Perry/Poet and Miles for your feedback and more than that for your encouragement. Your reworking Miles has made it so much more beautiful- I love your version of it.

I am not familiar with the terms you mention Miles but I have found the thread with glossary and will look it up. It seems a very interesting world to step into.

Though primarily for my personal catharsis, I would certainly want the expression to be the best I can make it so I will invest in learning.

Liliaea
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Re: Solace

Post by Liliaea » Sat Jan 04, 2020 6:04 pm

Hi,
I'm new as well and English also isn't my first language so I get your insecurities there. But I think you did a great job and I'm excited to see what's coming from you!

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Re: Solace

Post by MartinT » Wed Jan 08, 2020 5:39 pm

Hi Bhikku,

I am new to this Forum and sharing my poems.

I like the poem a lot - full of frustration with yourself and just a longing/desire to be calm (solace)

The space of the poem feels a little crowded to me. I wonder if you broke it up into two lines at a time with a space line between it would feel nicer to read and you could catch a little breath

Also lines L6 and L7 are the only two to end without a rhyming word (past and nights). Maybe this is meant but it seems a little jarring to not have the rhyming there too.

Regards

Martin

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