An Aging Rhyme

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Sid
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An Aging Rhyme

Post by Sid » Mon Dec 23, 2019 9:22 pm

V2

Father Time
within life’s fabric
Intertwined,
always present
to birth the divine.
Lifts us up
into our Prime,
there with us
whilst we climb.
Reaching the apex
he turns away
slowly draining
we trek the decline,
closes his eyes and
weaves his twine,
squeezes our breath
one final time.
He marks the moment
A single Chime.

V1

Father Time
within life’s fabric
Intertwined,
always present
to birth the divine.
Lifts us up
into our Prime,
there with us
whilst we climb.
Reaching the apex
of our pantomime,
he turns away
as we trek the decline,
closes his eyes and
weaves his twine,
squeezes our breath
one final time.
He marks the moment
A single Chime.
Original

Father Time
within life’s fabric
Intertwined,
always present
to birth the divine.
Lifts us up
into our Prime,
there with us
whilst we climb.
Reaching the apex
of our pantomime,
he turns away
as we track the decline,
closes his eyes and
weaves his twine,
squeezes our breath
one final time.
He marks the moment
A single Chime.
Last edited by Sid on Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

MilesTugeau
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Post by MilesTugeau » Tue Dec 24, 2019 1:08 am

.
Last edited by MilesTugeau on Wed Jan 01, 2020 1:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Sid
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Re: An Aging Rhyme

Post by Sid » Tue Dec 24, 2019 2:44 am

Thanks Miles,

Yes I am but a spring chicken. So must then be a fantastic poet!! 🧐

I am at the phase where our parents are all passing away, so observing from a distance this time. However I did come close myself once or twice but obviously not from aging...

Thanks for the commentary I have amended Track to Trek.
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

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Re: An Aging Rhyme

Post by Poet » Tue Dec 24, 2019 7:39 am

Sid wrote:
Mon Dec 23, 2019 9:22 pm
V1

Father Time
within life’s fabric
Intertwined,
always present
to birth the divine.
Lifts us up
into our Prime,
there with us
whilst we climb.
Reaching the apex
of our pantomime,
he turns away
as we trek the decline,
closes his eyes and
weaves his twine,
squeezes our breath
one final time.
He marks the moment
A single Chime.

Original

Father Time
within life’s fabric
Intertwined,
always present
to birth the divine.
Lifts us up
into our Prime,
there with us
whilst we climb.
Reaching the apex
of our pantomime,
he turns away
as we track the decline,
closes his eyes and
weaves his twine,
squeezes our breath
one final time.
He marks the moment
A single Chime.
Nice poem I thought it was intriguing but it was a little trite if so to say the least, but it was a great poem through and through, revision 1 was decent and while the original feels no different other than some word changes it was alright. I like the cadence and the word economy you used here because that's what's important in poetry, a knowledge of different words. Anyway thanks for sharing.

bjondon
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Re: An Aging Rhyme

Post by bjondon » Thu Jan 02, 2020 4:06 pm

Hi Sid,
this has a gentle quality. I can imagine it being chanted as a prayer.
It states the simple facts, so I feel the cynicism of 'pantomime'
undermines it a little.
And the repetition of 'twine' niggled a bit, though the assonance
of 'weave/squeeze' works well.
I think the more gentle and innocent, the more effectively terrifying
this becomes.

Jules

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Sid
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Re: An Aging Rhyme

Post by Sid » Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:40 pm

Thanks for your comments.

I have found it extremely difficult to replace pantomime however I do agree it was not quite right in this context.

The poem has been rewritten and the monotony of the rhyme has been broken at the apex as we change from our prime to our slow decline....
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

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