Purple People

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sleepystupid
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Purple People

Post by sleepystupid » Mon Dec 30, 2019 5:21 pm

Never you mind
tickled tongues, talking through traps.
All purple patter,
the argot of a new nation.

Get busy
buying bees, purchasing pain.
Armed with the speed of shame,
the weapons of a new nation.

So proud of
our never negatives, defenders unseen.
Sibilant and evergreen
the soldiers of a new nation.

Safely in silicon
surrounded with teeth.
All better now?
A new nation. A new nation.

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Poet
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Re: Purple People

Post by Poet » Tue Dec 31, 2019 3:58 am

Is this supposed to be some sort of fantasy poetry? It reads that way.

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sleepystupid
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Re: Purple People

Post by sleepystupid » Tue Dec 31, 2019 1:55 pm

hi Poet,

i suppose there could be some fantasy elements to it, not entirely intentional. thanks for reading!

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Sid
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Re: Purple People

Post by Sid » Wed Jan 01, 2020 10:41 pm

Hi Sleepy,

I like this poem. It reads well and has some good elements. Refer to my critique below:
sleepystupid wrote:
Mon Dec 30, 2019 5:21 pm
Never you mind
Interesting start, However does not develop whether we should mind as much as I’d like. The poem should revisit this theme near the end to close this loop.
tickled tongues, talking through traps.
All purple patter,
the argot of a new nation.

Get busy
buying bees, purchasing pain.
Unsure what buying bees has to do in this instance and this statement appears out of place
Armed with the speed of shame,
the weapons of a new nation.

So proud of
our never negatives, defenders unseen.
Sibilant and evergreen
....I really like ”sibilant and evergreen”poetically however am unsure whether it is actually conveying any distinct image....
the soldiers of a new nation.

Safely in silicon
surrounded with teeth.
I read this to mean hiding behind their keyboards. For some reason I do not quite like safely in silicon. But I cannot suggest an alternative. Maybe something to consider as this is a critical point of the poem, it should drive the message home.
All better now?
I would recommend here to address the opening statement “Never you mind”more clearly. The “all better now?“ Opens a further question rather than closes the loop of never minding.
A new nation. A new nation.
Suggest changing punctuation here. “A new nation? A new Nation!”
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

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sleepystupid
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Re: Purple People

Post by sleepystupid » Thu Jan 02, 2020 2:27 pm

Sid wrote:
Wed Jan 01, 2020 10:41 pm
Hi Sleepy,

I like this poem. It reads well and has some good elements. Refer to my critique below:
hi Sid,

thanks a lot for the read and great comments! you make a very good point about closing the thematic loop - i will take some time to consider and post a revision soon.

all the best, ss.

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