We are all human

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Liliaea
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We are all human

Post by Liliaea » Sat Jan 04, 2020 6:14 pm

We
Are all human
Bodies of water
Dreams of gold
We
Are all human
Minds like fire
Hearts get sold
We
Are all human
Breathing in air
Crispy and cold
We
Are all human
Spirits of earth
All grow old


*So, I'm new here and English isn't my first language so I'm sorry if I make any spelling mistakes along the way :)

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Sid
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Re: We are all human

Post by Sid » Sun Jan 05, 2020 8:52 am

Hi Lil,

Welcome to the forum.

Where are you from? This poem is very simply set out and appealing. I like it’s format and the message it conveys.

My only query is hearts getting sold. Doesn’t quite fit the poem. I like the image however the poem does not seem to be going in this direction.

The poem does work as is though so a minor critique.
Like the imprint left, an effect on your being - beautiful, wonderful, succinct.

Liliaea
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Joined: Fri Jan 03, 2020 9:31 am

Re: We are all human

Post by Liliaea » Sun Jan 05, 2020 11:48 am

Sid wrote:
Sun Jan 05, 2020 8:52 am
Hi Lil,

Welcome to the forum.

Where are you from? This poem is very simply set out and appealing. I like it’s format and the message it conveys.

My only query is hearts getting sold. Doesn’t quite fit the poem. I like the image however the poem does not seem to be going in this direction.

The poem does work as is though so a minor critique.
Hi!
Thanks so much for your feedback! I'm from the Netherlands.
I came up with "hearts get sold" because of the duality between falling in love as a feeling and humans trying to buy love and affection. So the "get sold" stands for both the literally and figuratively part. (Hope I explain this correctly). But I also understand it stands out a little from the rest of the poem. I didn't saw this earlier so thank you for your feedback, I'll take another look at it!

Love, Lil

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Poet
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Re: We are all human

Post by Poet » Tue Jan 14, 2020 6:40 pm

Liliaea wrote:
Sat Jan 04, 2020 6:14 pm
We
Are all human
Bodies of water
Dreams of gold
We
Are all human
Minds like fire
Hearts get sold
We
Are all human
Breathing in air
Crispy and cold
We
Are all human
Spirits of earth
All grow old


*So, I'm new here and English isn't my first language so I'm sorry if I make any spelling mistakes along the way :)
Nice message, unfortunately I have nothing else to say about these piece, it seems fine other than the constant capitalization of the word are, maybe lower case it to make the stanza's flow better. You got a great poem with a nice message. Keep writing and never give up!

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Jackie
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Re: We are all human

Post by Jackie » Thu Jan 16, 2020 3:18 am

Hi Liliaea, and welcome.

Your poem reads aloud well, like a thoughtful statement. It seems to be in four verses, although they're not separated. Each verse names one of the four astrological elements. Does the line following each of these statements explain how that element affects humans? It's in these following lines that I see some progress as the poem goes on: dreams > sold > cold > old. Did you mean for the poem to paint this deteriorating view?

Just out of curiosity, do you write poems in Dutch, too?

I enjoyed the read,
Jackie

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Re: We are all human

Post by Namyh » Sat Jan 25, 2020 5:45 am

Lilliaea - In the end, we all return to where we all began. I liked this. Thanks for sharing Lilliaea and I like your name. Namyh

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