Promise

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Liliaea
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Jan 03, 2020 9:31 am

Promise

Post by Liliaea » Mon Jan 06, 2020 6:39 am

You break me. Like the promises that have lured me in, for years.

I have followed. Them, like we were on the treasure hunt of the century.

Sweet words buried. Only just outside my reaching, always.

Waiting, longing, hoping. As they, slowly but surely.

All turned sour. Providing their foundation with seeds of doubt.

I see it now. The map, that stays hidden.
In the garden of vows that will never grow.


(p.s. English isn't my first language so spelling mistake feedback is also welcome!
Love, Lil)

bjondon
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Posts: 729
Joined: Wed May 10, 2017 5:04 pm

Re: Promise

Post by bjondon » Tue Jan 07, 2020 8:33 pm

Hi Liliaea,
I like the unconventional way you use full stops - a sort of
reinvention of the line break.

The first three lines work best for me - two beats on the
first mini section/sentence and then a longer rhythmic run on.

L4 - 'slowly but surely' is too much of a cliché for me and
the rhythm feels off. You could make that line:
Waiting, longing, hoping. As they slowly turned sour.

L5 - 'providing' sounds very flat. You could grow your metaphor to:
Seeding their foundation with flowers of doubt

L6 - would make more sense to me if it was:
I see it now. The map no longer hidden.

And I'd stop there. The last line not needed.

The whole, the form and the cadences capture well a feeling
of sorrow and resentment - the bitter truth revealing itself.

Regards,
Jules

MartinT
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Oct 11, 2019 11:20 am

Re: Promise

Post by MartinT » Wed Jan 08, 2020 5:27 pm

Hi Liliaea,

Just read your poem which is the first I have read on this Forum and the first to give comments on.

I like it a lot

It brings an immediacy of emotion which is great. The first three words knock you into the sadness of one word's failure. In a few lines you fill me with the power of the loss of that promise. I also like the power in its shortness

L3 - I think it should be reach not reaching

L6 - I fully get the word, seeds, garden and lack of growth, but the map word seems not quite right. Perhaps leaving out that line would take away the slight confusion and not reduce anything of the power of the poem and its meaning

Also I am not quite sure what putting the last two lines close together unlike the others has any meaning to me - even if you do keep L6.

Regards

Martin

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