Late August

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
MartinT
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Oct 11, 2019 11:20 am

Late August

Post by MartinT » Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:38 pm

Here is my peace
at twilight,
darkness shades the colours green and grey
my door is open to autumn breezes
cool but reassuring
they bring life.

But night is calling nature to sleep

Back in my stillness
at eventide’s end
I can hear the outside calling it’s shroud down
to complete my melancholy,

Night turns

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6513
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Late August

Post by ray miller » Thu Jan 09, 2020 12:22 pm

MartinT wrote:
Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:38 pm
Here is my peace
at twilight,
darkness shades the colours green and grey - you can do without "the colours" I should think.
my door is open to autumn breezes
cool but reassuring - I don't think you need this, or the next line.
they bring life.

But night is calling nature to sleep

Back in my stillness
at eventide’s end
I can hear the outside calling it’s shroud down - its shroud, best line, though.
to complete my melancholy, - full stop there?

Night turns
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

User avatar
sleepystupid
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Aug 08, 2015 6:37 am

Re: Late August

Post by sleepystupid » Thu Jan 09, 2020 4:08 pm

hi Martin,

love the imagery in this poem, makes me wish i had porch to enjoy this view from! the turning of night is captured quite vividly, though i'd like to see a bit more of this "autumn breeze" and the life it brings. it struck me as a powerful juxtaposition that could perhaps be explored more?

i also agree with ray's suggestion on L3 - reads better without "the colours".


all the best, ss.

User avatar
Jackie
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1243
Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 am
Contact:

Re: Late August

Post by Jackie » Thu Jan 16, 2020 3:48 am

Hi Martin,

I like the atmosphere you are building here, and I agree with Ray that
I can hear the outside calling its shroud down
is a wonderful line.

I found you're message confusing—going from peace to autumn breezes bringing life, and then back to stillness and then unexpectedly in the end, melancholy.

"Calling nature to sleep" is a bit worn-out to me; could you be more specific about what you're seeing?

Thanks for the read,
Jackie

Post Reply