The Caravan

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Jackie
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The Caravan

Post by Jackie » Thu Jan 16, 2020 2:41 am

Darkness nudges the parking-lot light posts awake,
and a wizened man limps out as if going home,
dressed in half-clothes layered against the wind.
His left knee knocks his coffle chain. Wonderously
he finds shopping carts ensconced behind snow gusts.
He aligns them, weaves his chain from aft clear to fore,
and charges Lead Cart (locked in front, smitten of all stealth)
with taking them in. The man trembles behind
still grasping the chain with one dog-eared glove.

ray miller
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Re: The Caravan

Post by ray miller » Thu Jan 16, 2020 11:17 am

Lovely opening line. I'd not heard coffle before. There's a few things I don't really understand. Like, "half-clothes", "smitten of all stealth" - I can guess you mean robbed of all stealth? The man trembles behind - because of the cold? I did wonder if there is more than one man in the poem.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: The Caravan

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Jan 18, 2020 6:12 pm

.
Hi Jackie,
enjoyed the read (and the introduction to 'coffle')

It's an interesting portrait, but a bit overwritten (ensconced and smitten are rather sore-thumbish)
and, like ray, I'm a bit lost on 'half-clothes'.
I like that his knee knocked the chain, rather than the other way round. But 'aft' and 'fore' made me think nautical, and I would associate 'caravan' with land.
(Perhaps, 'miraculously' for 'wondrously'?)

Found 'and charges Lead Cart ... with taking them in' a bit confusing. Puzzled it out eventually :)
but it seems a bit odd.

Just a thought


Darkness nudges the parking-lot lights awake,
a wizened man limps out as if going home,
layered against the wind. His left knee knocks
his coffle chain. It's a miracle he finds
the shopping carts behind snow gusts. Aligned
he weaves his chain from aft clear to fore, charges
the Lead Cart
(I'd prefer something more about the man, rather than the cart. How does his voice sound?)
with taking them in. Holding the chain tightly
with one dog-eared glove. The man trembles behind


Regards, Not

.

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