Play-Worker

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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bjondon
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Play-Worker

Post by bjondon » Tue Feb 04, 2020 5:04 pm

Are you a pop star?
said the sixers
A boy or a girl?
piped the elevens
Bit of a prat
but that was that
And this, now
is the titfer tat
Yeah, if you wanna get a head
get a bloody hat
And that, this
and an ocean full of lukewarm piss
(do I mean bliss?)
is that
Last edited by bjondon on Thu Feb 13, 2020 9:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Poet
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Re: Play Worker

Post by Poet » Thu Feb 06, 2020 8:20 pm

What is this poem about?

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Perry
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Re: Play Worker

Post by Perry » Thu Feb 06, 2020 9:15 pm

I love the sound of the language but haven't yet figured out what you are saying. I'll keep working at it.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

bjondon
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Re: Play-Worker

Post by bjondon » Fri Feb 14, 2020 2:21 pm

Thanks for the feedback Poet and Perry.
This wasn't intentionally obscure, so it's useful to know it doesn't make much sense to you.
The music or 'play' is more than half of it, so I'm pleased you responded to that Perry.
A 'playworker' is an assistant/organiser at a summer camp or youth club. It's a job that students often do, though the term can also apply to trained professionals.
'prat' is British for 'dork' or 'fool'.

Jules

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Re: Play-Worker

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Feb 16, 2020 1:47 pm

.
Hi Jules,
enjoyed this, but it rather falls at the final hurdle (the last four lines).
The turn works, but then it seems a bit incoherent. What happens to
all that threateningly long hair (and youthful androgyny)?

Couple of thoughts ...

Are you a pop star?
the sixers wondered

A boy or a girl?
the elevens piped

Bit of a prat
general consensus

but that was that
And now, this

is the titfer tat
Yeah,

if you wanna get a head
get yourself hat

wanna a proper job
get a bloody haircut




Regards, Not


.

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Re: Play-Worker

Post by Poet » Thu Feb 20, 2020 3:59 am

Ok I am starting to get what this poem is about, cool and clever dude.

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Play-Worker

Post by JJWilliamson » Fri Feb 21, 2020 5:10 am

Yes, the rhythms work well, Jules, as do the rhymes and playfulness of the lines.
It also reflects how the other half thinks, how their impressions seem to typecast
the worker.

However, part of me wondered who was speaking. The close suggests a shift/turn.

"Are you a pop star" is a great hook.

That ocean of piss had me laughing. (It would, wouldn't it) :)

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Play-Worker

Post by bjondon » Wed Feb 26, 2020 10:44 pm

Thanks Not, Poet and JJ
- A little something or a little nothing? The music and unreeling clichés are what drives this so it is difficult to unpick/revise. I think of it as being about the callow delusions of youth, quite probably echoed in the callow delusions of old age (another hat!). The one spark of authenticity lies somewhere between the cynicism/release of 'piss' and the passion of 'bliss'.

JJ - you seemed to be halfway there . . . I'm glad you laughed :)

Poet - thanks for the encouragement. It's amazing how much creativity is wasted on trying to be 'cool'.

Not - there are at least two turns in this. I have a feeling you are right about the incoherence.
re the final hurdle - I like those last four lines but I can see room for another two or four before them.

Jules

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