Curious (revision2)

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Macavity
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Curious (revision2)

Post by Macavity » Fri Apr 10, 2020 8:47 am

revision2

The one section twisting, the other still.
I am a child again, with a trowel
playing at science. Gran saying, it mends
itself in time
. That was her comfort myth.

I toss the halves into the long grass,
dismiss those garden voices, finish digging.
Later, I read about the clitellum
and mend, in my mind, a broken line.



========================================================

revision

The one section twisting, the other still.
I am a child again, with a trowel
playing at science. Gran saying,
it mends itself in time. A comfort myth.

I toss the halves into the long grass,
dismiss those garden voices, finish digging.
Later, I read about the clitellum
and mend, in my mind, a broken line.





original

Digging

The one section twisting, the other still.
I am a child again, fascinated,
playing at science. Gran saying,
it mends itself in time. A comfort myth.
I toss the halves into the long grass.
Later I read about the clitellum.
Last edited by Macavity on Mon Apr 20, 2020 6:03 am, edited 5 times in total.

David
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Re: Digging

Post by David » Fri Apr 10, 2020 11:53 am

Macavity wrote:
Fri Apr 10, 2020 8:47 am
Later I read about the clitellum.
Me too. Back later.

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Re: Digging

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Apr 10, 2020 6:08 pm

.
Hi mac,
this falls a little short for me (lots to engage but it doesn't quite add up at the end).
Not keen on the title (cf. Heaney's Digging)
'fascinated' - there are too few details to make that claim convincing (could you just cut the word?)
I like what Gran says (as well as the comfort myth) but can't relate either to the ending. Intrigued by 'the long grass' . Would have preferred 'Later I will read ...', but that's just me.

Regards, Not

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Re: Digging

Post by Firebird » Fri Apr 10, 2020 10:06 pm

Hi Mac,

This is my take on the your poem.

Macavity wrote:
Fri Apr 10, 2020 8:47 am
The one section twisting, the other still.
I am a child again, fascinated,
playing at science. Gran saying, (I’m going to guess the worm’s two severed halves are an image for your youth and adult life?)
it mends itself in time. A comfort myth.
I toss the halves into the long grass. (Is this a hint towards putting off facing the prospect of becoming an adult? Joining the two halves of youth and adulthood)
Later I read about the clitellum. (This is back to science. It’s not really making sense to me. Is it about an abortion?)
I’m not sure this poem is quite working at present. I think it needs just a bit more coherence, though I like the way your poems play with the limits of understandability in one direction or another. It’s an admirable element. I also think that if you are going to call this poem ‘Digging’, and the shadow that title castes, it maybe has to do more intertextually than I can trace here.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Digging

Post by Macavity » Sat Apr 11, 2020 5:14 am

David wrote:
Fri Apr 10, 2020 11:53 am
Macavity wrote:
Fri Apr 10, 2020 8:47 am
Later I read about the clitellum.
Me too. Back later.
Hopefully, not too unrewarding David :)

https://www.livescience.com/38371-two-worms-worm-cut-in-half.html

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Re: Curious

Post by Macavity » Sat Apr 11, 2020 5:19 am

Not keen on the title (cf. Heaney's Digging)
'fascinated' - there are too few details to make that claim convincing (could you just cut the word?)
Thanks Not. Yes, I was asking for trouble with that patented title :)

fascinated - probably trusting too much to the child fresh world context

cheers

mac

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Re: Curious

Post by Macavity » Sat Apr 11, 2020 5:34 am

Thanks Tristan
I’m going to guess the worm’s two severed halves are an image for your youth and adult life
Pleased you picked up on that thread. I had a broken line in my head when writing this.
I like the way your poems play with the limits of understandability in one direction or another. It’s an admirable element.
Limits...what we learn, distracted from, forget, learn again...sometimes a thread of truth in those old wives' tales :)

best

mac

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Apr 11, 2020 10:52 am

.
Hi mac,
an improvement, but not sure about this title either :) and still not seeing how you get to that last line. (Feels like it's missing a line between L5 and L6)

Just a thought ...

one section twisting, the other still.
I am a child again, playing
at science, with a trowel. Gran
saying, it mends itself in time. A comfort
myth. I toss the halves into the long grass.
Later I read about the clitellum.


Regards, Not


(After Heaney, now this one's got me thinking about Blake, perhaps 'The Visible Worm' ... No, not really :) )

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by Macavity » Sat Apr 11, 2020 5:30 pm

Thanks Not. The title is rather the point of the poem and why N. comes to realise that there is some truth in what Gran says.

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by Firebird » Sat Apr 11, 2020 5:59 pm

Macavity wrote:
Sat Apr 11, 2020 5:30 pm
The title is rather the point of the poem and why N. comes to realise that there is some truth in what Gran says.
I’m assuming from the above that the final line hints that having your own child might enable one to reconcile their young and adult self. If this is true, I couldn’t have got there from the last line. More would be needed.

I’m try hard with this poem Mac, but I’m afraid I’m not really ‘getting’ it. Perhaps I’m trying too hard and the obvious is staring me in the face?

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by Macavity » Sat Apr 11, 2020 6:13 pm

hi Tristan,
Yes, sometimes there is an expectation, but essentially the poem simply has N. revisiting the accuracy of what Gran said. N. is showing a curiosity that he had in childhood.

best

mac
Firebird wrote:
Sat Apr 11, 2020 5:59 pm
Macavity wrote:
Sat Apr 11, 2020 5:30 pm
The title is rather the point of the poem and why N. comes to realise that there is some truth in what Gran says.
I’m assuming from the above that the final line hints that having your own child might enable one to reconcile their young and adult self. If this is true, I couldn’t have got there from the last line. More would be needed.

I’m try hard with this poem Mac, but I’m afraid I’m not really ‘getting’ it. Perhaps I’m trying too hard and the obvious is staring me in the face?

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by Firebird » Sat Apr 11, 2020 7:07 pm

Hi Mac,

I think it was ‘Later’ that led me astray. I didn’t think that ‘later’ meant in adulthood.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by Macavity » Sat Apr 11, 2020 8:15 pm

Fair enough Tristan. I've extended the poem to make the progression more explicit.

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by Firebird » Sat Apr 11, 2020 9:52 pm

Hi Mac,

It’s crystal clear now and that final line tried up the poem nicely.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by Macavity » Sun Apr 12, 2020 12:04 am

Cheers Tristan. Thanks for that nudge. Appreciated.

best

mac

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Apr 12, 2020 11:02 am

.
Hi mac,
like the new ending, works very well
(though the whole piece has a rather choppy feel,
- which may be deliberate. I suppose, given the
worm I wanted something more sinuous. Reminded
me of 'all the right notes, but not necessarily in the
right order). Still not swayed by the title :) seems
to be more about reconnecting or rediscovering than
curiosity.


Regards, Not

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by David » Sun Apr 12, 2020 11:23 am

Yes. Good revision. But I confess I'm not really getting why the reference to the clitellum is so important.
Macavity wrote:
Sat Apr 11, 2020 6:13 pm
essentially the poem simply has N. revisiting the accuracy of what Gran said. N. is showing a curiosity that he had in childhood
The poem works very well in that sense. But ...
Firebird wrote:
Fri Apr 10, 2020 10:06 pm
I’m going to guess the worm’s two severed halves are an image for your youth and adult life?
Is that the intention? I don't think the poem, as it is, can bear that kind of load. Is it supposed to?

Cheers

David

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by Macavity » Sun Apr 12, 2020 2:45 pm

Thanks Not and David for returning.
Still not swayed by the title :) seems
to be more about reconnecting or rediscovering than
curiosity.
The awoken curiosity signifies the reconnection. You're welcome to shuffle those notes into the right order Not. :D
But I confess I'm not really getting why the reference to the clitellum is so important.
It was in the link I provided David...
The head of the worm may survive and regenerate its tail if the animal is cut behind the clitellum.
https://www.livescience.com/38371-two-worms-worm-cut-in-half.html

So Gran had some knowledge after all :D
Firebird wrote: ↑
Fri Apr 10, 2020 11:06 pm
I’m going to guess the worm’s two severed halves are an image for your youth and adult life?

Is that the intention? I don't think the poem, as it is, can bear that kind of load. Is it supposed to?
That sub-text was for me, but it was a bonus that Tristan picked it up in his reading.

all the best

mac

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by David » Sun Apr 12, 2020 5:30 pm

Ah. Thanks for explaining that, Mac.

Still not getting that sub-text - and yet Tristan did, so there must be something there. Perhaps it's on a frequency that's just too high for me.

Cheers

David

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by Macavity » Sun Apr 12, 2020 6:06 pm

My frequency is more shipping forecast on LW :D
David wrote:
Sun Apr 12, 2020 5:30 pm
Ah. Thanks for explaining that, Mac.

Still not getting that sub-text - and yet Tristan did, so there must be something there. Perhaps it's on a frequency that's just too high for me.

Cheers

David

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by Perry » Sun Apr 12, 2020 10:04 pm

Macavity wrote:
Fri Apr 10, 2020 8:47 am
revision

The one section twisting, the other still.
I am a child again, with a trowel
playing at science. Gran saying,
it mends itself in time. A comfort myth.

I toss the halves into the long grass,
dismiss those garden voices, finish digging.
Later, I read about the clitellum
and mend, in my mind, a broken line.
I haven't been able to figure out: sections of what. Even so, I have a suggestion for the first stanza. Your syntax in that stanza strikes me as a little strange -- or perhaps I don't understand what you are saying.

The one section twisting, the other still.
I am a child again, with a trowel
playing at science. Gran says, it will mend
itself in time,
a comfortable myth.

Ah, the word "clitellum" reveals that you've chopped an earthworm in half -- very clever! Still, my suggestions for the first stanza remain.

Is it possible that "comfort myth" is an expression used in England? Actually, the word "lie" would seem to be more accurate than "myth".

Good poem. Good ending.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by Macavity » Mon Apr 13, 2020 12:01 am

Thanks for those suggestions Perry, which I quite like, especially the line break for L3. I'll give them some thought, in particular the 'comfortable lie'.

best

mac

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Apr 13, 2020 10:22 am

.
Hi mac,
followed your link (thanks) - which leads to a different place than just following clitellum - and wondered if 'Half Truths' might work as a title
(after all, it doesn't actually mend itself, does it?) :)

Regards, Not


.

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by Macavity » Mon Apr 13, 2020 12:22 pm

I think that would be a neat title Not., and made me smile, but it doesn't reconnect the adult to the child mind frame that was the poem's intent.

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Re: Curious (revision)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Apr 13, 2020 12:40 pm

.
Macavity wrote:
Mon Apr 13, 2020 12:22 pm
it doesn't reconnect the adult to the child mind frame that was the poem's intent
Difficult to argue with the author as to intent, mac, but :) ... Surely 'I am a child again' does that explicitly (and independently of the title)?
I'd suggest HTs connects the adult to his Gran's 'comfort myth' (a rather weighty phrase), having come to recognise it for what it was. Not to
mention those (Edenic) 'garden voices'. (Plus, it's funnier!)


Regards, Not



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