The Promised Land (v4)

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NotQuiteSure
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The Promised Land (v4)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Apr 21, 2020 3:28 pm

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v4
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall –
out of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot at a Mexican's knees
and gators to eat all the bad refugees,

spikes and electrical currents that kill
cages for babies and children to fill.

– As everywhere Red Hatters whooped and wrawled
for there are some things that do love a wall.



______________


v3
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the bad refugees,

spikes and electrical currents that kill
and cages for babies and children to fill.

Though not everything is as black as it seems
the wall is no more than a Red Hatter's dream,

man eating serpents aren't guarding the border
but Justice is languishing in La Perrera.




______________


v2
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

spikes and electrical currents that kill
and plenty of processing centers to fill.

Though not everything is as dark as it seems
for Trumpety's wall is the stuff of his dreams

no man eating serpents are guarding the border
but children are crying in La Perrera.



______________


The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

with spikes and electrical currents that kill
and cages for babies and children to fill.

A red-hatted hero, symbol of sanity
leading the world far away from humanity.



.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Fri May 01, 2020 5:59 pm, edited 13 times in total.

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Firebird
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Re: The Promised Land

Post by Firebird » Tue Apr 21, 2020 4:16 pm

Overall I really like it. Of course that may be helped along by agreeing 100 percent with it.

I think the first two stanzas read incredibly well, but then the rhythm of line five sounds slightly wrong for me. Line 6 is good. The second half of line 7 seems to fall a bit flat. Not sure why. And line 8 I suspect might be better without ‘far’. Having said all that I do really like it. And those points may just be me.

Cheers,

Tristan



NotQuiteSure wrote:
Tue Apr 21, 2020 3:28 pm
.
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

with spikes and electrical currents that kill
and cages for babies and children to fill.

A red-hatted hero, symbol of sanity
leading the world far away from humanity.



.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: The Promised Land

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Apr 21, 2020 4:35 pm

.
Hi Tristan,
thanks for the read.

L5 - would it be better (and I think it likely would) without the 'with'?
L7 - you caught me. I'm not happy with the second half either (and
haven't found the answer. Probably being bound by the limited rhymes
for 'humanity' and I may just have to replace the couplet entirely.
Might have done so if I hadn't got distracted by the other one :) ).

Regards, Not



p.s revision posted.


.

Macavity
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Re: The Promised Land (v2)

Post by Macavity » Wed Apr 22, 2020 4:37 am

You seem to have toned the poem down in V2 Not. Made it more restrained, though

and plenty of processing centers to fill. seems bland, compared to

and cages for babies and children to fill.

The delivery change could kick-in with the L7-L8

Pity to lose A red-hatted hero.

best

mac



NotQuiteSure wrote:
Tue Apr 21, 2020 3:28 pm
.
v2
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

spikes and electrical currents that kill
and plenty of processing centers to fill.

Though not everything is as dark as it seems
for Trumpety's wall is the stuff of his dreams

no man eating serpents are guarding the border
but children are crying in La Perrera.



______________


The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

with spikes and electrical currents that kill
and cages for babies and children to fill.

A red-hatted hero, symbol of sanity
leading the world far away from humanity.



.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: The Promised Land (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Apr 24, 2020 3:49 pm

.
Hi mac,
bland? OK. Fraid I couldn't return your 'hero', but after some minor restoration and tweaking - v3.

Regards, Not



.

Macavity
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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by Macavity » Fri Apr 24, 2020 8:38 pm

That's okay...I like the red-hatter option :D

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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Apr 25, 2020 10:23 am

.
Thanks for returning mac,
do you think it should be Red Hatter (without the hyphen)?
Still not sure about the ending, would
but decency's dying down in La Perrera
be stronger?


Regards, Not


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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by Macavity » Sun Apr 26, 2020 8:25 am

Lear's Mad Hatter is not hyphenated.
but children are crying in La Perrera.
That was the stronger, non-abstract ending for me, but you have already mentioned children in V3. Will have a ponder.

best

mac

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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Apr 26, 2020 10:57 am

.
Hi mac,
not hyphenated buy capitalised? OK. Done.
Macavity wrote:
Sun Apr 26, 2020 8:25 am
Will have a ponder.
Thanks, I'll be over here bating my breath. :)

Regards, Not


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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by Firebird » Sun Apr 26, 2020 5:27 pm

Hi Not,

I’m not a fan of S2/3. I think they over complicate the poem and lose the immediacy and thrust/verve of v1. I do not think this is type of poem should ask the reader to think too much. The pleasure is in it directness and thrustIng rhythm. IMP you now just need to improve that final stanza in S1. The first three stanza of v3 are great.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon Apr 27, 2020 1:46 pm

.
Hi Tristan.
IMP? WTO! What's the P? :)

OK. How about this couplet as an ending for v1?

Red Hatters everywhere whooped and wrawled
for they are such things that do love a wall.



Regards, Not

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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by Macavity » Tue Apr 28, 2020 10:17 am

Red Hatters everywhere whooped and wrawled
for they are patriots that do love a wall.
Just a thought

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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Apr 28, 2020 10:39 am

Macavity wrote:
Tue Apr 28, 2020 10:17 am
Just a thought
And an interesting one. Thanks.
( as a general idea, though, this ending works?)

Regards, Not


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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by Macavity » Tue Apr 28, 2020 2:22 pm

I think so. After all he is their elected mouth-piece.

best

mac

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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by Firebird » Tue Apr 28, 2020 4:46 pm

I like Mac’s suggested ending. It works well for me.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Apr 29, 2020 10:54 am

.
Thanks mac, Tristan.

Not entirely sure about patriot myself, but will mull.

Regards, Not

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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by Firebird » Wed Apr 29, 2020 3:47 pm

Well, to be honest Not, almost anything’s better than ‘such things’ :D . It’s very weak, especially in a final line.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Apr 29, 2020 4:44 pm

Firebird wrote:
Wed Apr 29, 2020 3:47 pm
almost anything’s better than ‘such things’ :D
Aha! Right, it was my second choice, the first was

while Red Hatters everywhere cheered and wrawled
for some things there are that do love a wall.


- being a much closer to Frost's original (save for
the switch in meaning), but I was wary of 'some
things'. Any better?

Thanks for sticking with this one.

Regards, Not

.

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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by JJWilliamson » Thu Apr 30, 2020 8:50 am

Clever, entertaining poem, Not, and one that put a wry smile on my face.

Your triple meter is very good, for the most part, but does falter in a few places, particularly the last line V3.
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Tue Apr 21, 2020 3:28 pm
.
v3
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall ...perfect meter, and nice punning.
of hot air and lies and nothing at all: ...You need another beat after 'lies'. EG only "of hot air and faleshoods and nothing at all". The 'hoods' part of the word gives you the extra beat to maintain your triple m.

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees ...An extra beat after 'out'. Eg only "with snipers to shoot out some Mexican knees"
and gators to eat all the bad refugees, ...Perfect meter.

spikes and electrical currents that kill
and cages for babies and children to fill. ...Both lines perfect meter.

Though not everything is as black as it seems ...Near perfect meter, although an elision on 'every' is required. Ok with me, though.
the wall is no more than a Red Hatter's dream, ...Perfect meter.

man eating serpents aren't guarding the border ...Perfect meter
but Justice is languishing in La Perrera. ...Too many syllables in 'languishing' and possibly one missing before 'La'.

Here's my scan on the line but JUST/ice is LANG/uishing in /La PerRERa.
Now, if a shuffle was applied, EG only "but JUST/ice is LACK/ing in BLEAK/ La PerRERa"/


Overall, I think there's something going for all versions, but you're not quite there yet. Great read, though.

Best

JJ


______________


v2
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

spikes and electrical currents that kill
and plenty of processing centers to fill.

Though not everything is as dark as it seems
for Trumpety's wall is the stuff of his dreams

no man eating serpents are guarding the border
but children are crying in La Perrera.



______________


The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

with spikes and electrical currents that kill
and cages for babies and children to fill.

A red-hatted hero, symbol of sanity
leading the world far away from humanity.



.
Long time a child and still a child

NotQuiteSure
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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Apr 30, 2020 11:52 am

.
Hi JJ,
thanks very, very much.
JJWilliamson wrote:
Thu Apr 30, 2020 8:50 am
you're not quite there yet.
OK, great sage, how's about this then? V4 up.

Thanks again JJ, much appreciated.

Regards, Not


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Re: The Promised Land (v3)

Post by Firebird » Fri May 01, 2020 9:03 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Wed Apr 29, 2020 4:44 pm
Firebird wrote:
Wed Apr 29, 2020 3:47 pm
almost anything’s better than ‘such things’ :D
Aha! Right, it was my second choice, the first was

while Red Hatters everywhere cheered and wrawled
for some things there are that do love a wall.


- being a much closer to Frost's original (save for
the switch in meaning), but I was wary of 'some
things'. Any better?

.
Hi Not,

I didn’t pick up on the Frost allusion. And to be honest I’m still not keen on ‘some things’ or ‘any things’. I prefer the ‘patriots’ option.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: The Promised Land (v4)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun May 03, 2020 2:01 pm

.
Thanks for returning Tristan.
I'll chance my arm with the Frost allusion for a little longer, see if anyone bites. If not, well ...
at least now I've got options. :)

Thanks again.

Regards, Not


.

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Re: The Promised Land (v4)

Post by David » Sun May 03, 2020 6:46 pm

I like this one. I had my doubts about "wrawled", but I see it is a word. News to me, but I like learning new words.

I like the Frost allusion - which I got - a lot. It's very apt, and gives the poem a very satisfying and surprising ending. I suspect Trump might well be exactly the sort of president that Frost would have approved of.

Cheers

David

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Re: The Promised Land (v4)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon May 04, 2020 11:12 am

.
Hi David,

thanks for the read, and, most importantly, getting the Frost allusion.
David wrote:
Sun May 03, 2020 6:46 pm
I suspect Trump might well be exactly the sort of president that Frost would have approved of.
Now there's a depressing thought, but one with which, I suspect, it would be difficult to argue.

Regards, Not

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Re: The Promised Land (v4)

Post by Suzanne » Sat May 09, 2020 3:41 pm

Hi,

The first lines were fun to read, good rhythm. The topic brings an immediate emotional response, like trauma.

Red Hatters was not as smooth as red hatted hero.

I also don't believe they deserve capitalization no matter how aroggant they seem.

He says he's built a wall. He says lots of things.

Suzanne

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