Beautiful Soul

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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anongirl
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Beautiful Soul

Post by anongirl » Thu Apr 30, 2020 9:46 pm

Loss is the greatest worst feeling you’ll ever know,
Heartache, misery, anguish; how can I grow?
The forever pain of love, memories and childhood delight left me in the dark as I stand without you,
I strive for better times, fearless times, worthy times when I had just about everything I needed.

Including you.

A beautiful soul,
A beautiful bright soul that captured everything good in this world.
Red curly locks framed your flourished, sweet face with that Scottish accent that was never passed down.

A pinnacle of my life that I’m afraid to go without,
The pain wrenches through me everyday and I cry, I cry, I cry at your memory.
I feel you around me, I know you’re still here and that hurts even more,
The fact that you’re so close, yet so, so, so far.

What I don’t yet know is that the same loss I despise for its misty grey spite will give me courage:
I’ll hold your memory with me for the rest of my life,
We’ll meet again; we’ll laugh, we’ll cry.

We’ll meet again.

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Perry
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Re: Beautiful Soul

Post by Perry » Fri May 01, 2020 11:29 am

Anongirl, I think your writing is very sincere and heartfelt. Those are good qualities that will serve you well over the years.

The impression I have is that you are young and possibly new to poetry. Among other things, you need to decide if you are writing just for yourself, or if you are writing for an audience and intentionally trying to create art. If you are trying to create art for other people, then you need to work at eliminating any cliches or unoriginal sentiments from your writing. In this poem you are, to some extent, covering ground which other young, heart-broken poets have probably already covered. The best way to learn if you are writing in an original voice is to read widely of other people's poetry. Keep writing and you will gradually improve. Good luck to you.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Beautiful Soul

Post by JJWilliamson » Sat May 02, 2020 8:38 am

Before I comment further, Anon, is this about the death of a much missed loved one?
The reason I ask is because it struck me that way, and I have written several poems
about crushing grief in the past. It's a tricky subject and very difficult to critique.

If this is about love lost then Perry has offered a very good and sensitive critique.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

anongirl
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Re: Beautiful Soul

Post by anongirl » Sat May 02, 2020 10:55 am

Thank you both for your replies.

In regards to if it's written for myself or others, I'm honestly not quite sure. I guess I would say myself?

I wrote it in about 10 minute and only read over once quickly before posting for feedback, but that's the way I like to write at the moment. Then over time I'll often edit and refine.

I can confirm this is about the loss of a loved one, a grandparent specifically with whom I was extremely close to.

Any comments are much appreicated.

Thanks,
Anongirl

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Jackie
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Re: Beautiful Soul

Post by Jackie » Sat May 02, 2020 1:06 pm

Anongirl, thank you for posting this. My sympathy for your loss. I do agree with Perry's suggestions, especially where he says the first step is to ask yourself if you're writing for yourself or for another audience. I'm a firm believer in using journals to get the pain out and clarify my thinking enough to write a poem.

Could I also suggest you look at Cameron's handy hints at writing contemporary poetry under the Board Index?

That said, congratulations on coming up with this clause!
the same loss I despise for its misty grey spite
. I love both its sounds and the way it captures the complexity of loss.

Jackie

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