Redefining Delineation

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coffeedodger
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Redefining Delineation

Post by coffeedodger » Mon Jun 28, 2010 9:43 am

EDIT: I've chopped out some of the surplus alliteration while trying to keep some shape to it. Hopefully it is less tedious and 'shouty' now. Although some shoutyness is part of the point in expressing anger and contempt for those pointless office tossers who actually think their lives are worthwhile.

Redefining Delineation

Your suit is a day darkened wool-nylon amalgam of
managerial anagrams and tin hardened intent bent
on twisting deceitful armour and chain-mail from finesse.

You regress evolution to the wait, weight, wait, weight
of worry mail or the instantaneous malice of e-mail.
You facilitate nothing but counterfeit notions of change
as a valid currency, confusing the means of exchange with
a meaningful transaction on the premise change enhances
its loose value merely from being jangled. You are a jangler.
A tosser, of coins, purposelessly subjecting people to
evaluation, devaluation and dereliction via denigration.

Each gesture generates blame from acclaim with the
diplomacy of a slingshot and the spiked club of the clique,
claim, counter-clique culture, insisting weight is the same
as substance, pounds are superior to groats, ounces are
ungrammatical and democracy works best with no choice.
Yet discrimination can't discriminate between the fire
and the firing, the ring and the bull. Targets are missed.
Others don't exist but still move or become removed.

This is where you come in. Through the front door,
precisely when sweat and adrenaline are cold calling.
She aims a kiss at your cheek. You swerve it just in time.




Redefining Delineation

Your suit is a day darkened wool-nylon amalgam of
managerial anagrams and a tin hardened intent bent
on twisting deceitful armour and chain-mail from finesse.
You regress evolution to wait, weight, wait, weight, wait
for the heavy chain of worry mail or the instantaneous
malice of e-mail. Your facile facilities facilitate nothing
but counterfeit notions of change as a valid currency
confusing the means of exchange with a meaningful
transaction on the premise that change enhances its
loose value merely from being jangled. You are a jangler.
A tosser, of coins, purposelessly subjecting people to
evaluation, re-evaluation, revaluation, devaluation and
dereliction in a process of devolving devolution via
the denigration of random generation. Each gesture
generates blame from acclaim with the diplomacy of a
slingshot and the spiked club of the clique, claim,
counter-clique culture, insisting weight is the same as
substance, pounds are superior to groats, ounces are
ungrammatical and democracy works best with no choice.
Yet discrimination can't discriminate between the fire
and the firing, the ring and the bull. Targets are missed.
Others don't exist but still move or become removed.

This is where you come in. Through the front door,
precisely when sweat and adrenaline are cold calling.
She aims a kiss at your cheek. You swerve it just in time.
Last edited by coffeedodger on Tue Jun 29, 2010 10:51 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Raincoat
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Re: Redefining Deliniation

Post by Raincoat » Mon Jun 28, 2010 11:37 am

I like this, has a Kafka-like quality (bureaucratic despair !) to it.sometimes it feels as if your focus has been on finding words rather than imagery which I guess suits the underlying theme of the poem (which I may have totally misunderstood) the beginning feels more like a tirade, then at the end a more personal image is introduced, I'm wondering if this event could have been built up throughout, filtered in somehow?
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." Henry David Thoreau

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Re: Redefining Deliniation

Post by Raincoat » Mon Jun 28, 2010 11:41 am

also, have I got it totally wrong but the title should be delineation?
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." Henry David Thoreau

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Re: Redefining Deliniation

Post by Ros » Mon Jun 28, 2010 1:13 pm

I enjoyed this a lot. I think it works best from 'You are a jangler.' onwards, perhaps because at that point I get more of a feeling of one real person performing some sort of review/audit. Some of the earlier phrases I found a bit too generalized (though reading it again, I'm not so sure why I'm getting that impression) - perhaps because in of them, 'Your facile facilities facilitate nothing' in particular, the alliteration seems to be taking precedence. You're walking a fine line here, but I think mostly it's a success. Very much like your ending.

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Re: Redefining Deliniation

Post by clarabow » Mon Jun 28, 2010 8:49 pm

I want to like this and be engaged but parts just don't work for me - not sure why as there are some very good lines - I particularly like the end ones. I think that perhaps the alliteration is over-done in part and works well else where!

Your facile facilities facilitate nothing - I like this for example but felt nothing let the line down.

Imagery and perhaps more emotional content might help the reader but I think in the end this poem will probably generate differing views and what works for one won't work for another.

evaluation, re-evaluation, revaluation, devaluation and
dereliction in a process of devolving devolution via
the denigration of random generation - seems a bit ott.

On the other hand I liked this part

Each gesture
generates blame from acclaim with the diplomacy of a
slingshot and the spiked club of the clique, claim,
counter-clique culture, insisting weight is the same as
substance, pounds are superior to groats, ounces are
ungrammatical and democracy works best with no choice

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Re: Redefining Deliniation

Post by David » Mon Jun 28, 2010 8:56 pm

I really enjoyed this, cd, particularly the wonderfully formal, ornate and convoluted insult - or frank appraisal - with which you start (and go on, for most of the rest of the poem). It's the sort of thing Cyrano might have come up with.

Excellent stuff, and very palatable, like - cue naff but accurate simile - a fine single malt.

Cheers

David

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Re: Redefining Deliniation

Post by David » Mon Jun 28, 2010 8:59 pm

Raincoat wrote:also, have I got it totally wrong but the title should be delineation?
Yes, I think it should.

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Re: Redefining Delineation

Post by coffeedodger » Mon Jun 28, 2010 9:52 pm

Yes it should. And now is.
:)
It is correct in my word doc. but I had a brain lapse when putting the title up here. Apologies to those offended by my shabby spelling! :oops:

The poem is pretty much unedited 'stream of consciousness' stuff so I wouldn't argue that it could do with a bit of pruning towards the beginning in particular. I'll have a think about it in the light of comments but don't want to rush into edits of what could be a potential 'marmite' poem.

My first go on here, not knowing what to expect, so the generally fairly positive responses thus far are encouraging. Ta!

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Re: Redefining Delineation

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jun 29, 2010 12:27 am

Hi

Some nice moments in this, the internal rhymes especially pleasing, the end quite delightful.
I do think the volume is a little too high with all that alliteration and so many "tion" nouns. The abstracts do work away at the trope but I got a little bit bored about halfway down. Paring away the top half, prior to "jangle" might be the way to start editing. Also, I'd listen carefully to combinations of words and the effects these have on the reader. Right now it feels a little like being shouted at.

You got a real name?

B.

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Re: Redefining Delineation

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jun 29, 2010 1:39 am

Forgot to mention, the weight/wait word play in line 4 doesn't really work when read aloud. . .

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Re: Redefining Delineation

Post by coffeedodger » Tue Jun 29, 2010 10:43 pm

Cheers Brian. I've taken on board what has been stated about the excessively strident tone and the litany of alliterative litter has been trimmed. Still might be too much for some tastes....... As for the wait, weight, it isn't meant to be a performance poem. Reading it aloud off the page (or screen) to myself is enough for me to cope with!

I do have a name but I thought the purpose of my witty forum moniker is to create a persona within which I can suffocate my drab and depressing reality!

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Re: Redefining Delineation

Post by ray miller » Wed Jun 30, 2010 12:51 pm

Felicitations.I was rather fond of "your facile facilities facilitate nothing". Still "You are a jangler. A tosser, of coins" remains. Do you need that comma after tosser?Actually, I think jangler should find its way into the title. Diplomacy of a slingshot is great also. There are many fine bits, enjoyed a lot.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Redefining Delineation

Post by coffeedodger » Wed Jun 30, 2010 4:18 pm

Thanks Ray. I was rather fond of that line too, but it is a bit of a tongue twister and bordering on the pretentious. Although that could be said about all of it!! In the end it is an exercise in word play and I'm happy that everyone who has commented seems to like some of it. It's one of those I could tinker with endlessly but still not come up with an entirely satisfactory piece. The comma after tosser is to re-inforce the insult.

I am a jangler. A tosser, of words!! :)

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Re: Redefining Delineation

Post by calico » Wed Jun 30, 2010 4:46 pm

Hi, I like the sentiments in this and particularly the sense that it is written by an insider - make sure you keep hold of that in your edits otherwise it is a tirade rather than insider knowledge. It is the details about the feeling of waiting for email and the complex clique/counter-clique, and the textile composition of a suit that make it feel real.

There is only one bit that feels too wordy now to me which is

A tosser, of coins, purposelessly subjecting people to
evaluation, devaluation and dereliction via denigration.

how about

A tosser, of coins, dealing out
evaluation, devaluation and dereliction via denigration.

or something? I don't know though - subjecting is good to reinforce these ideas. Anyway, it's good, and although relentless to the very end, not over the top to my mind.

Thanks.

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Re: Redefining Delineation

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Jul 05, 2010 4:33 pm

Hi CD,

I enjoyed this - it made me think of Scott Adams (the creator of DILBERT) and his take on Managers and Consultants.

Possibly "tosser" would be best at the end of a line, then there would be no need for a comma.

Hope your job interview/performance review/whatever/ went OK. :)

Geoff
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Re: Redefining Delineation

Post by coffeedodger » Tue Jul 06, 2010 1:01 am

cheers Geoff. Coffee gives me headaches and reacts adversely with the medication.....nuff said!!

It isn't a poem about one tosser, but a series of tossers that I have encountered over the years who share an absurd desire to impose their stupid roolz and regulashunz in order to exercise their egos. They share traits of cold hearted disregard for the consequences of their arbitary cruelty on others and generally enjoy making other people's lives a misery by being obstructive and arrogant beyond their stated powers, beyond the boundaries of the law and utterly beyond belief.And they get away with it because the complaints procedures against these c***s are a biased, self-serving closed shop of cock-headed cronies and arse lickers.

Only one was work related. The others perpertate their vile crimes from within the NHS in Warwickshire! In the end I gave them all a piece of my mind, which sadly means I am now lacking three quarters of my brain, a career and a future. Not that I really give a s**t about that any more. :roll: Writing poems fills the void between existence and death, which is how it should be for anyone who is serious about being apathetic.

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Re: Redefining Delineation

Post by ray miller » Thu Jul 08, 2010 8:44 pm

Ah, I knew there was something about this struck a chord.I used to work for the NHS in Warwickshire too. I didn't see you around. What cell did you occupy?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Redefining Delineation

Post by coffeedodger » Sat Jul 10, 2010 12:55 am

I didn't work there ray. I was a 'client' aka victim of the mental health services in warwick and leamington. Never have so many liars, bullies and lawbreakers been allowed to perpetrate so much conceit, deceit, arrogance and cruelty. The complaints procedure is a closed shop whereby they just close ranks and lie to protect each other. A bunch of evil ***ts, the lot of 'em. :evil:

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