Ice cream

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
Sharra
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1605
Joined: Mon May 26, 2008 6:59 am
antispam: no
Location: Whitstabubble
Contact:

Ice cream

Post by Sharra » Thu Sep 23, 2010 4:10 pm

I like this room. The barely-used bed poised
over floorboards that I sweep everyday
whilst looking out over the garden
where I burrowed into the ground and the mud
compacted under my fingernails
clings to my skin like the way names stick
even now I’ve shed my caterpillar fat
and I’m as light as a butterfly
I still never eat lunch just make do
with the ice cubes I eat instead
of the ice cream I bought last summer
when you came to stay for a week
only you left after two days
and have been silent ever since.
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

Ros
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 7965
Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 4:53 pm
antispam: no
Location: this hill-shadowed city/of razors and knives.
Contact:

Re: Ice cream

Post by Ros » Thu Sep 23, 2010 6:46 pm

Oh, I like this one. Great pace. Perhaps 'crunch' instead of the second eat? Adds to the alliteration and avoids repeating the word? I see how you need it for the caterpillar, but I'm not so keen on light as a butterfly. But these are minor nits. Great stuff.

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6535
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Ice cream

Post by ray miller » Thu Sep 23, 2010 9:35 pm

Liked it lots, "clings to my skin like the way names stick" is a great line. I'd only quibble the beginning and end. "I like this room" is underwhelming - even if it's meant to be.The last two lines are ok, but no more than that.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

User avatar
aaron
Posts: 39
Joined: Thu Sep 23, 2010 3:57 pm

Re: Ice cream

Post by aaron » Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:44 am

I think this is a really beautiful poem - and it moves me because I think the theme is about the emotionality of loss, the expression of which is an anorexic behaviour. This is the way it strikes me anyway; and I developed anorexia after a painful loss. This is something I've written about allot. Icecream has really unhelpul connotations as a title; immediately you are anticipating something duvenile or humarous. There is also great poetic slippage between experiences and a nice use of sensously evocative language. Its a good corrective to some other poems I have seen here.

calico
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 400
Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2010 7:06 pm
Location: london lovely london
Contact:

Re: Ice cream

Post by calico » Fri Sep 24, 2010 9:23 am

Great Sharra! Practically perfect in every way.

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: Ice cream

Post by brianedwards » Fri Sep 24, 2010 1:22 pm

Full stop needed after butterfly? You lose me a bit there. The end could do with a bit more meat, or maybe just a little more interesting sonic device perhaps? It does fall a little flat towards the end. Great draft though, lots worth developing.

B.

Sharra
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1605
Joined: Mon May 26, 2008 6:59 am
antispam: no
Location: Whitstabubble
Contact:

Re: Ice cream

Post by Sharra » Fri Sep 24, 2010 3:53 pm

Thanks for the comments :)
Ros, 'crunch' is a great suggestion.
Ray, I'll have another look at the ending as it felt a little weak to me too.
aaron and calico - thanks.
Brian, I don't want any punctuation in it, the lines are sposed to flow on so that bit could be read 'even now I’ve shed my caterpillar fat, and I’m as light as a butterfly, I still never eat lunch' maybe i should change it to 'still I never eat lunch' ?
or find another way to tweak it so it's less confusing.
Nicky
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

Annwn
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun Aug 29, 2010 12:35 pm

Re: Ice cream

Post by Annwn » Sat Sep 25, 2010 4:09 am

I like this room...that gets me...its...from a lot of beginnings
The barely-used bed poised
over floorboards that I sweep everyday...i sweep my bed as well [needs a ''the'' i think..that wont disturb the beat ]
i like the constant nature of this...streaming through the mind like the original thoughts did


louis

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: Ice cream

Post by brianedwards » Sat Sep 25, 2010 4:13 am

Mmm, I see Nicky.
The fullstop in the first line set me up to expect a poem with punctuation . . . and then there is another at the end. Probably wise to throw those lines around a bit. Ambiguity is one thing but obfuscation is another . . .

B.

Annwn
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
Posts: 76
Joined: Sun Aug 29, 2010 12:35 pm

Re: Ice cream

Post by Annwn » Sat Sep 25, 2010 4:30 am

i would assume that i ve got that right m'dear...by the way...and there was intent in that...

delph_ambi
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 857
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2010 1:33 pm
Location: November
Contact:

Re: Ice cream

Post by delph_ambi » Sat Sep 25, 2010 9:00 am

Good stuff. Effectively and appropriately 'light'.

A few nitpicks/suggestions:

Line one: I would lose 'poised' as it gave me an image of the bed somehow levitating to allow you to sweep underneath it.

Line two: I don't think you need 'that'.

Line six: lose 'like'. Smoother without.

Line eight: consider re-wording as, "and I'm butterfly-light" as that's, to my mind, a fresher way of expressing the same thing.

Lines ten and eleven, I'd lose both definite articles, ie: "with ice cubes I eat instead / of ice cream I bought last summer"

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: Ice cream

Post by brianedwards » Sat Sep 25, 2010 9:03 am

Annwn wrote:i would assume that i ve got that right m'dear...by the way...and there was intent in that...
Huh?

Sharra
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1605
Joined: Mon May 26, 2008 6:59 am
antispam: no
Location: Whitstabubble
Contact:

Re: Ice cream

Post by Sharra » Sat Sep 25, 2010 1:03 pm

Thanks Delph
I've taken on board almost all your suggestions, and I especially liked butterfly-light. :)
Nicky
x
It is at the edge of the
petal that love waits

Mr Black
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
Posts: 62
Joined: Fri Sep 24, 2010 10:32 pm

Re: Ice cream

Post by Mr Black » Sun Sep 26, 2010 9:11 pm

removed
Last edited by Mr Black on Sun Mar 20, 2011 10:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

coffeedodger
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
Posts: 50
Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 8:34 pm

Re: Ice cream

Post by coffeedodger » Sun Sep 26, 2010 10:05 pm

No it isn't just you. I can't abide poems with invisible punctuation.

Post Reply