Trick

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Trick

Post by brianedwards » Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:06 am

Trick

Look how she turns
the apple in her hand
knowing there will be no inquisition.

Look how her cheek reflects
the bluebells.




~

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: Trick

Post by brianedwards » Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:49 pm

Thanks Rob. I wouldn't bother reading too deeply here my friend, it just is what it is . . .

B.

benjamin
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 139
Joined: Tue Aug 31, 2010 5:36 pm

Re: Trick

Post by benjamin » Wed Oct 27, 2010 3:09 pm

I quite like this. I'm not sure "knowing there will be no inquisition" is strong enough though.
[center]The tree of artistry must be replenished from time to time with the blood of Art.[/center]

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: Trick

Post by brianedwards » Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:12 am

Thanks Benjamin. I was considering "unafraid of consequence" instead, but today I'm wondering if that line is needed at all . . .

coffeedodger
Productive Poster
Productive Poster
Posts: 50
Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 8:34 pm

Re: Trick

Post by coffeedodger » Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:19 am

More drivel.

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: Trick

Post by brianedwards » Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:25 am

Thanks.

Elphin
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2947
Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2007 4:10 pm

Re: Trick

Post by Elphin » Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:24 am

Coffeedodger

This is not the standard of crit expected on the Experienced Board.

elph

delph_ambi
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 857
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2010 1:33 pm
Location: November
Contact:

Re: Trick

Post by delph_ambi » Thu Oct 28, 2010 12:08 pm

I read the first line and see her turning, then read the second and realise its the apple that's turning, so I'm wrong-footed and annoyed, but I read on anyway. All is forgiven if you remove the 'knowing there will be no inquisition' line. I'm not quite sure why that improves the poem so much, but it does.

Meesha
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 271
Joined: Mon Aug 30, 2010 9:52 am

Re: Trick

Post by Meesha » Thu Oct 28, 2010 6:41 pm

knowing there will be no inquisition.

If it's an original sin, the above line is way off and telly. Hence the piece is better off without it.

Tis a very lazy line from you btw.Trick to me infers prostitute.
The rest is clever.

M

BenJohnson
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1701
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:32 am
antispam: no
Location: New Forest, UK
Contact:

Re: Trick

Post by BenJohnson » Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:06 pm

Meesha wrote:knowing there will be no inquisition.

If it's an original sin, the above line is way off and telly. Hence the piece is better off without it.

Tis a very lazy line from you btw.Trick to me infers prostitute.
The rest is clever.

M
I sometimes think I am far too innocent, I was reading trick as dictionary definition number one and no prostitutes arose in my reading. Rather I was reading this more as a description of a certain innocence, now confused. :?

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: Trick

Post by brianedwards » Fri Oct 29, 2010 1:00 am

This has nothing to do with prostitutes Ben, the comment reveals more about Jasper than it does my poem.

Cathy, the heart of the poem lies in that line break for me . . . I guess I can take your annoyance (a peculiar emotion to evoke with a poem!) as a sideways compliment! :D

Appreciate all the input, thanks.

B.

Meesha
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 271
Joined: Mon Aug 30, 2010 9:52 am

Re: Trick

Post by Meesha » Fri Oct 29, 2010 10:02 am

You should lift your arms length (hand) a little then, B. About three feet upward :mrgreen:



Look how she turns
the apple in her eye.

Look how her cheek reflects
the bluebells
knowing there will be no inquisition.


M

Post Reply