Manoeuvre

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
calico
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 400
Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2010 7:06 pm
Location: london lovely london
Contact:

Manoeuvre

Post by calico » Fri Nov 25, 2011 1:52 pm

v2

The first time I asked her out she was in the Leisure Centre
with an ex, that’s why she said
“Piss off”. But she said it politely,
so I studied her in Geography, I made maps. I crossed the river

to her house and fell in: she had to lend me
her Dad’s clothes.
The wedding took place locally,
she was pregnant at the time and her dress had to be adjusted twice!

Everyone came,
even Glen and Matthew Allen. Sometimes lying in bed
I hold my body very tense then think, why am I doing that,
and relax.

original
The first time I asked her out
she was in the Leisure Centre
with an Ex, that’s why she said “Piss off."
But she said it politely.
So I studied her in Geography, I made maps.
I crossed the river
to her house and fell in:
she had to lend me her Dad’s clothes.
The wedding took place locally.
She was pregnant at the time
and her dress had to be adjusted twice!
Everyone came, even Glen
and Matthew Allen.
Sometimes when I lie in bed
I hold my body very tense
then I think, why am I doing that,
and I relax.


NB Edit- just trying to get commas right. And in/at the Leisure Centre??
Last edited by calico on Thu Dec 01, 2011 11:17 am, edited 3 times in total.

k-j
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 3004
Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2005 10:37 pm
Location: Denver, CO

Re: Manoeuvre

Post by k-j » Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:30 am

Well I love this! Superb!

There really is greatness in every line. I especially love the exclamation mark!

And the names, Glen and Matthew Allen. And the "even" before them.

And the last four lines - WOW.

Best poem I've read in a long time.
fine words butter no parsnips

calico
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 400
Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2010 7:06 pm
Location: london lovely london
Contact:

Re: Manoeuvre

Post by calico » Sun Nov 27, 2011 11:40 am

Really? Thanks! Trying to get punct. just right now.

JohnLott
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1326
Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2011 9:35 pm
Location: Devon

Re: Manoeuvre

Post by JohnLott » Sun Nov 27, 2011 3:45 pm

I like this Megan - but not as much as k-j because I am not sure about the N going to her house and falling in; and who are Glen and Matthew Allen - should I know them? And why does the N tense up; isn't he happy?

8)

J.
Before you shave with Occam’s razor - Try epilation or microlaser

k-j
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 3004
Joined: Thu Aug 04, 2005 10:37 pm
Location: Denver, CO

Re: Manoeuvre

Post by k-j » Sun Nov 27, 2011 5:18 pm

calico wrote:Really? Thanks! Trying to get punct. just right now.
Yes. Re: punctuation, I think the full stop at the end of line four is new? I'd prefer a comma there.

Also, have you added an "I" or two? In line five and in either the penultimate or last line? Maybe one too many "I"s.
fine words butter no parsnips

calico
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 400
Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2010 7:06 pm
Location: london lovely london
Contact:

Re: Manoeuvre

Post by calico » Sun Nov 27, 2011 10:42 pm

Great. thanks. Quite right about the I's, how did I not see that!
JohnLott wrote:who are Glen and Matthew Allen - should I know them?
No!

Post Reply