Driving to Arcadia

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David2
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Driving to Arcadia

Post by David2 » Fri Jul 12, 2013 5:12 pm

The forecourt was deserted.

A pair of antiquated pumps
held their bulbous heads up
as rain ran down their faces -
those unreadable expressions.

We sat a while but no-one came,
only water on the windscreen
like the dream dissolve in films.

The rain was mythological.

The car became a boat, a submarine,
a place of refuge. To leave it seemed so hard.

A brimming bucket stood nearby -
nothing else, in this mountain stillness,
this liquefying landscape.

The borders of Arcadia are uncertain.

Nash

Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by Nash » Sat Jul 13, 2013 11:09 am

Hah! This is very timely. I was just this minute talking about seeing the mythological in the mundane with Mrs Nash and then came on here to read this.

Love this line:
David2 wrote:like the dream dissolve in films
and the sheer boldness of this line:
David2 wrote:The rain was mythological.
and the last line is a corker. Sums the whole thing up very nicely.

Great title, great concept, great execution.

Cheers,
Nash.

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by Antcliff » Sat Jul 13, 2013 12:30 pm

Hi,

I see, Et in Arcadia Volvo.

The unreadable pumps are great.
The whole thing is nicely vivid!!

I can imagine various ways of understanding the last, enjoyably enigmatic (?) line.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by brianedwards » Sat Jul 13, 2013 5:05 pm

Nice. Nix lines 1, 5, 8, 9, 11? Much improved without, for me.

B.

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by David2 » Sat Jul 13, 2013 7:45 pm

I'm glad you liked that, chaps. I was leafing through an old notebook, and among much pap I found something similar to this that did seem to capture a moment I remember, so it seemed worth saving.

Brian -

A pair of antiquated pumps
held their bulbous heads up
as rain ran down their faces.

We sat a while but no-one came,
only water on the windscreen.

The car became a boat, a submarine.

A brimming bucket stood nearby -
nothing else, in this mountain stillness,
this liquefying landscape.

The borders of Arcadia are uncertain.


Interesting!

Cheers all

David

Nash

Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by Nash » Sat Jul 13, 2013 9:18 pm

That is an interesting suggestion from Brian. It makes the poem tighter and more succinct but, on the downside, it does lose some of its charm and personality in the process. I don't think that I'd be able to pick the revised version out of a line-up as one of David's poems.

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by Macavity » Sun Jul 14, 2013 12:28 pm

like the dream dissolve in films.
Lovely connection David, the picture came immediately into focus.

The pacing of the poem felt right to me.

cheers

mac

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Jul 14, 2013 2:10 pm

David,

I like both the long and the short versions, but - whatever you do - please nix
"the rain was mythological"
- to me, it doesn't make sense.
I think I know what you are trying to say, but the the poem invokes the idea anyway.

If you drop "dream dissolve" I'd be tempted to replace "liquefying" with "dissolving".

Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by brianedwards » Sun Jul 14, 2013 3:18 pm

Nash wrote:That is an interesting suggestion from Brian. It makes the poem tighter and more succinct but, on the downside, it does lose some of its charm and personality in the process. I don't think that I'd be able to pick the revised version out of a line-up as one of David's poems.
Good point Nash. I aspire to be David minus the charm! :D

B.

Nash

Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by Nash » Sun Jul 14, 2013 3:41 pm

brianedwards wrote:Good point Nash. I aspire to be David minus the charm!
:lol:

Nash

Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by Nash » Sun Jul 14, 2013 3:43 pm

...it's good to see you back, Brian!

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by Macavity » Sun Jul 14, 2013 4:34 pm

please nix
"the rain was mythological"
- to me, it doesn't make sense.
I think I know what you are trying to say, but the poem invokes the idea anyway.
That was my thought, but then...
and the sheer boldness of this line:

David2 wrote:The rain was mythological.
Not so sure now.

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by Ros » Sun Jul 14, 2013 7:23 pm

Hmm, I think I like

The rain was mythological.

but I'm with Brian on losing lines 1,5,8. It's still David without them.

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Nash

Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by Nash » Sun Jul 14, 2013 9:01 pm

I'll concede on L5 (I felt it was perhaps a slight weakpoint) and possibly even L1. But surely we can't lose L8? It's the crux of the poem, where the narrator cinematically drifts from the realm of the mundane into a mythological daydream.

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by brianedwards » Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:49 pm

Nash wrote:I'll concede on L5 (I felt it was perhaps a slight weakpoint) and possibly even L1. But surely we can't lose L8? It's the crux of the poem, where the narrator cinematically drifts from the realm of the mundaneness into a mythological daydream.
i suppose it's a taste thing. I think the transition from watching water build up on the windscreen (there's your cinema link) to feeling like the car is a boat is more believable. I can relate to that feeling and thus experience it with the N. I experience the poem. I can't relate to being in a car in the rain and thinking "this is like a dream dissolve in a film. This rain is mythological". I experience only the reading of the poem.

Either way, it's still a nice piece.

B.

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Jul 15, 2013 10:29 am

I can see that the boat is mythical, but I'm still having problems with "the rain was mythological" because it is also real.
I think the statement needs to be more obtuse.

If it were fine rain you could say it was mistic. :)
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by BenJohnson » Mon Jul 15, 2013 5:19 pm

If for no other reason I would love this for its last line. Quite like the result of Brian's edit though.

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by David2 » Mon Jul 15, 2013 7:35 pm

Stubbornly, I think I need all three of the contested lines, but they are, in ascending order of dispensibility, 8, 1 and 5.

To my mind.

Cheers all

David

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by dedalus » Sun Jul 21, 2013 11:13 am

Very good indeed!

Tinkering ...

The forecourt was deserted.

A pair of antiquated pumps
held their bulbous heads up
as rain ran down their faces.

We sat a while but no-one came,
only water on the windscreen
like dreams dissolve in films.

The rain was mythological.

The car became a boat, a submarine,
the rain kept running down,
a place of refuge. To leave it seemed so hard.

A brimming bucket stood nearby -
nothing else, in the mountain stillness,
the liquefying landscape.

The borders of Arcadia are uncertain.

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Re: Driving to Arcadia

Post by Arian » Wed Jul 24, 2013 7:03 pm

Late to it, but I like both versions. For me, Brian's edit, or something close to it, has the edge. The mythological rain struck me as a little laboured, too overtly poetic, without an obvious payload. As Geoff says, the rest of the poem does the work, anyway.

Still, interesting piece, as always.

Cheers
peter

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