Haiku for Odysseus

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
Marc
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 978
Joined: Sun Sep 06, 2009 7:43 pm
antispam: no
Contact:

Haiku for Odysseus

Post by Marc » Mon Jul 15, 2013 2:56 pm

Odysseus was
strapped to his mast in torment.
Butes dived in to swim

but Aphrodite
rescued him. I cannot hope
for such kind mercy.

So fill up my ears
with the beeswax of TV;
dumb me down with tea.

Draw the curtains close,
think about work tomorrow:
then upstairs to bed.

Locked inside at night,
safe from rivers of blue lights,
sirens in my head.
Last edited by Marc on Tue Jul 16, 2013 10:15 am, edited 2 times in total.

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Haiku for Odysseus 2013

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Jul 15, 2013 4:56 pm

I'm liking this a lot, Marc.

Have you been seduced by working from home? :)

save me from notions
fancifully tempting me
from other oceans.


Somehow this doesn't sound quite right.(NO, I have nothing better to offer..)

Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

Nash

Re: Haiku for Odysseus 2013

Post by Nash » Mon Jul 15, 2013 5:10 pm

I like this too, Marc. Clever build up and use of 'sirens' in the last line.

You've got some lovely rhymes going on but I wonder if it gains anything from being a series of haikus? Just thought it might free the language up a bit if it's not constrained into syllable counts?

Not keen on the title at all though.

Cheers,
Nash.

BenJohnson
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1701
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:32 am
antispam: no
Location: New Forest, UK
Contact:

Re: Haiku for Odysseus 2013

Post by BenJohnson » Mon Jul 15, 2013 5:16 pm

Particularly like
So fill up my ears
with the beeswax of TV;
dumb me down with tea,
Has echoes of Adrian Mitchell
So fill my ears with silver
Stick my legs in plaster
Tell me lies about Vietnam

User avatar
twoleftfeet
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6761
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up

Re: Haiku for Odysseus 2013

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Jul 15, 2013 5:53 pm

I've got a block of beeswax - it's very hard.
How did they get it in their ears? Heating it up, I suppose, but you wouldn't catch me doing it (unless I was being paid to watch the X Factor).

"The beeswax of TV" is impressive, and the "tea" reference made me think of the Lotus Eaters.
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

Marc
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 978
Joined: Sun Sep 06, 2009 7:43 pm
antispam: no
Contact:

Re: Haiku for Odysseus 2013

Post by Marc » Mon Jul 15, 2013 9:31 pm

Thanks guys :)
Nash - I think you're about the title. I will change it.

And yes, I think 'fancifully' is wrong Geoff, I'll rethink.

Cheers all :)

Marc

brianedwards
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5375
Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:35 am
antispam: no
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: Haiku for Odysseus 2013

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jul 16, 2013 2:51 am

S4 is the weakest Marc (can't really make sense of it to be honest), and I wonder if you need it at all. If you drop it there is a longer gap between the mythological elements at the start and end. It gives "sirens" more punch I think.
Also, why 6 beats in the last line? I'm no adherent to the 5-7-5 rule in English haiku, but it does jar having followed the pattern in the previous stanzas. Nix "wild"? Adds a pleasing ambiguity perhaps.

B.

Marc
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 978
Joined: Sun Sep 06, 2009 7:43 pm
antispam: no
Contact:

Re: Haiku for Odysseus

Post by Marc » Tue Jul 16, 2013 10:25 am

Thanks Brian.

Have considered and agree with your suggestion re stanza 4. Geoff doesn't like the 'fancifully' and 'fanciful notions' is a cliche anyway. Gone, thanks guys.

I was aware of the 6 beats in the last line and partly thought it amusing to give in to a temptation in the last line....! On the other hand that's really a cop out to justify the use of 'wild' - I rather liked the rivers of blue lights/wild sirens in my head but to keep form I've dropped it.

And I've taken the year from the title - unnecessary, hopefully that helps, Nash.

Thanks all

Marc

Post Reply