Amati

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Marc
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Amati

Post by Marc » Mon Jul 15, 2013 3:39 pm

..............she so
............resembled
...........a cello with
.........her suntanned
...... back and long dark
..........plait hanging
............. down
.............like a
..........fingerboard
........ that I fancied
....the notion of tattooing
...f holes to either side of
.her fine waist. I would put
....a bow in her hair and
........gently seat her
..............on a
................s
............... p
............... i
................k
................e

Marc
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Re: Amati

Post by Marc » Mon Jul 15, 2013 3:44 pm

Is there a way of doing that without the dots?! Kind of spoils it - lol!

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Re: Amati

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Jul 15, 2013 4:47 pm

Very good, Marc.

I didn't know that people actually have this tattoo!

Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Amati

Post by Suzanne » Mon Jul 15, 2013 6:04 pm

LOL!

Really enjoyed.
Suzanne

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Re: Amati

Post by BenJohnson » Mon Jul 15, 2013 6:33 pm

A painful ending! What would happen if you used the center align tag like

[center]she so
resembled
a cello with
her suntanned
back and long dark
etc...[/center]

I like the poem and the way you play on words like bow.

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Re: Amati

Post by David2 » Mon Jul 15, 2013 7:01 pm

On a spike? Yikes. Shrike-like!

Beautifully carved, Marc.

Cheers

David

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Re: Amati

Post by Marc » Mon Jul 15, 2013 9:09 pm

Ha! Thanks all
But- David and Ben: you're being too literal re the spike... The spike I had in mind was purely pleasurable ;)

Cheers
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Re: Amati

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jul 16, 2013 12:49 am

[center]she so
resembled
a cello with
her suntanned
back and long dark
plait hanging
down
like a
fingerboard
that I fancied
the notion of tattooing
f holes to either side of
her fine waist. I would put
a bow in her hair and
gently seat her
on a
s
p
i
k
e[/center]

Well executed Marc. I especially like where down falls. "fine" feels a little like filler to get the line length.

B.

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Re: Amati

Post by Marc » Tue Jul 16, 2013 10:27 am

Thanks Brian. Hmm..Fine...filler? Maybe. Will consider.

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Re: Amati

Post by twoleftfeet » Tue Jul 16, 2013 11:05 am

Marc wrote:Ha! Thanks all
But- David and Ben: you're being too literal re the spike... The spike I had in mind was purely pleasurable ;)

Cheers
Marc
In that case your font needs adjusting, Marc :)

[center]she so
resembled
a cello with
her suntanned
back and long dark
plait hanging
down
like a
fingerboard
that I fancied
the notion of tattooing
f holes to either side of
her fine waist. I would put
a bow in her hair and
gently seat her
on a
s
p
i
k
e
[/center]
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Amati

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jul 16, 2013 12:00 pm

twoleftfeet wrote:
Marc wrote:Ha! Thanks all
But- David and Ben: you're being too literal re the spike... The spike I had in mind was purely pleasurable ;)

Cheers
Marc
In that case your font needs adjusting, Marc :)

[center]she so
resembled
a cello with
her suntanned
back and long dark
plait hanging
down
like a
fingerboard
that I fancied
the notion of tattooing
f holes to either side of
her fine waist. I would put
a bow in her hair and
gently seat her
on a
s
p
i
k
e
[/center]
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Amati

Post by Marc » Tue Jul 16, 2013 4:42 pm

Ha ha ha.. very funny! :D
Actual lol!

Yeah, that's about the size of it :p

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Re: Amati

Post by Ros » Tue Jul 16, 2013 7:00 pm

Brilliant! In fact, thinking about it, the best use of concrete shape for a poem that I've ever seen.

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Re: Amati

Post by Marc » Wed Jul 17, 2013 11:32 am

Thanks very much Ros, very flattered! :))

Marc

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Re: Amati

Post by dedalus » Fri Jul 19, 2013 6:04 am

Yes, better WITHOUT the dots: I've seen some of the later versions above and think the first is the best. A very original and well-thought out poem. It's slight, perhaps, but impossible not to like!

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Re: Amati

Post by vesuvius » Thu Jul 25, 2013 11:15 am

Visual form poems so often fail where words are used to fill space. There's a little bit of that here, but not much.

I'd start with some imagery and then mention the cello later. Build the picture slowly even though it's already there - it's not necessarily obvious immediately.

Any way to get this looking even more like a cello? It's not perfect. Write the poem inside a picture then take the picture out?

I love the bow in her hair.

The spike was a bit too dark until I realised what you meant and then maybe just a little crass!

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Re: Amati

Post by Macavity » Sat Jul 27, 2013 5:45 am

Any way to get this looking even more like a cello? It's not perfect.
That was my thought too. Good attempt though.

mac

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