The Storyteller

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Suzanne
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The Storyteller

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jul 16, 2013 7:39 am

Original first draft



Crest


When he came, she said
I want you

I want to know if your eyes
would listen when I told stories
of my imaginings

if your breathing would pause
when the words led you back
into my blackened corners

and if you would hold your breath
and wait with me
on the top of the wave

until I was done
with all my telling.




.......


When he came, she said
I've waited for you

I want to see your eyes
listen when I tell you stories
of my imaginings

hear your breathing pause
when the words
lead you back
into the corners of my rooms

feel you hold your breath
and wait

with me
on the top of the wave

until I am done
with all my telling.





.
Last edited by Suzanne on Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

brianedwards
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Re: The Storyteller

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:05 am

She wants to see his eyes listen? Or see his eyes when he listens? It gets a bit histrionic towards the end, the images less fresh than your more recent work.

B.

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Re: The Storyteller

Post by BenJohnson » Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:13 am

I've no problem with eyes listening, it builds an image of the listener intently watching the speaker, lip reading to gain every word.

My problem is that is doesn't go far enough for a master storyteller, for example

hear your breathing pause
when the words
lead you back
into the corners of my rooms

The corners of my rooms sounds a little dull to me.

lead you back in to the dark recesses
of my deepest rooms

would lead me to feel that this might be an exciting journey.

Suzanne
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Re: The Storyteller

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:18 am

Oh, you are correct. Yep.

......


The dream of pink boxes and pearls

The subject line in my inbox simply said: "Paris?"
And the geometry of rooftops,
statue-edged brown boulevards
with rain-slick sidewalks shone
under a hundred French feet.

In a red awning cafe we drank
with a man who guessed your name
was Ben. Played spin the bottle
with a vintage postcard of the Eiffel Tower;
once trapped under the glass top
of our table, you smuggled it away

in a pink pastry box. We ate pearls
of sugar outside the Louvre, and chalked out
life's muddy angled meanings
on the concrete stairs.

Even in the dream I believed
your message held magical content.


Suzanne

brianedwards
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Re: The Storyteller

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:19 am

BenJohnson wrote:I've no problem with eyes listening, it builds an image of the listener intently watching the speaker, lip reading to gain every word.
Aahh! I get that Ben, yes. I'd assumed it was a typing error and that the line should be "when you listen as I tell you". Doh!
Still, I think "listen" could be dropped altogether. We still have the image of the eyes when listening.

B.

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Re: The Storyteller

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:20 am

Suzanne wrote:Oh, you are correct. Yep.

......


The dream of pink boxes and pearls

The subject line in my inbox simply said: "Paris?"
And the geometry of rooftops,
statue-edged brown boulevards
with rain-slick sidewalks shone
under a hundred French feet.

In a red awning cafe we drank
with a man who guessed your name
was Ben. Played spin the bottle
with a vintage postcard of the Eiffel Tower;
once trapped under the glass top
of our table, you smuggled it away

in a pink pastry box. We ate pearls
of sugar outside the Louvre, and chalked out
life's muddy angled meanings
on the concrete stairs.

Even in the dream I believed
your message held magical content.


Suzanne
Woah, that's more like it lady. Tell me you didn't just turn that one out!

B.

Suzanne
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Re: The Storyteller

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:25 am

Thanks Ben, I posted the first real draft which was more like you suggested. I am rusty, lol.
Thanks for the comment.

I like listening eyes, B. but I see what you mean.
Thanks Ben for your comment on that. Leaning towards keeping it.

Lol, rusty wheels spin slow.
Suzanne

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Re: The Storyteller

Post by brianedwards » Tue Jul 16, 2013 8:29 am

The earlier version much better I think Suzanne. You cut away too much and lost the character I think. Maybe consider ditching the references to breathing, work with those eyes more, show us what they see and how they react.

B.

Suzanne
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Re: The Storyteller

Post by Suzanne » Tue Jul 16, 2013 1:21 pm

brianedwards wrote:The earlier version much better
B.


I will work on it. Thanks, B. I agree.
Suzanne

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