Bones

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ray miller
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Bones

Post by ray miller » Thu Jul 18, 2013 1:46 pm

We’d a semi-detached
with not much of a garden,
only so many places
you could bury a bone.
One evening was yawning
when she made a suggestion -
a game of canasta,
we would wager our freedom.
The loser would serve
and the winner be master,
commander, dictator
for a time we’d determine.

I had visions of her
in vertiginous heels,
scarlet mesh stockings
and the band of white flesh
at the height of her thighs
defenceless as snow.
A camisole crotchless,
her sex between brackets;
unguents and oils
to purple and glisten;
wrists wrapped in velvet -
the tease of resistance.

Though I lost, defeat promised
as much as success did.
I want you to kiss my bones
she said. Not a bizarre
love ritual or death wish,
nor a tame essay at arousal.
Bones was her dog. I hated
the bitch. She was testing
my obedience or held out
a hope I might learn to love.
But I couldn’t and didn’t
and now hate all the more, for
we haven’t played canasta since.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

brianedwards
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Re: Bones

Post by brianedwards » Thu Jul 18, 2013 2:05 pm

The first two stanzas gave me a bit of a boner,
but sadly it sagged at the end. I'm alone. Err...

B.

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twoleftfeet
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Re: Bones

Post by twoleftfeet » Fri Jul 19, 2013 10:08 am

Ray,

I agree with Brian: tbh, S2 is so good that whatever follows it has to be a let-down/(insert your own joke)

In S1 - "master,commander" is a nice touch - I was tempted to Goooogle Russel Crowe to see if he was into BDSM. :)

Just a suggestion: Move down "Bones was her dog" and change "love" to "love it".
e.g

Though I lost, defeat promised
as much as success did.
I want you to kiss my bones
she said. Not a bizarre
love ritual or death wish,
nor a tame essay at arousal.
She was testing my obedience
or holding out a hope that
I might learn to love it.
But I couldn’t and didn’t.
Bones was her dog and
I still hate the bitch.
we haven’t played canasta since.


Of course, the change to "love it" would negate the implication that N is incapable of love - which may have been your intended meaning.

I'd be interested to know whether the choice of card game has any relevance (beyond sounding good) as I haven't the foggiest knowledge of the game.
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

Nash

Re: Bones

Post by Nash » Sat Jul 20, 2013 10:41 am

Can a camisole be crotchless? I mean it is by its very nature, isn't it a top half kind of a thing? If it doesn't have an integral gusset then can that gusset be said to be missing?

I'm off for a lie down.

Nash.

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Re: Bones

Post by BenJohnson » Sat Jul 20, 2013 11:44 am

Not feeling the let down of verse three personally. I wonder about the beginning though
We’d a semi-detached
with not much of a garden,
only so many places
you could bury a bone.
Does this add anything to poem? It doesn't appear to be picked up later. What would you think of dropping it?

ray miller
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Re: Bones

Post by ray miller » Sat Jul 20, 2013 2:03 pm

Nash wrote:Can a camisole be crotchless? I mean it is by its very nature, isn't it a top half kind of a thing? If it doesn't have an integral gusset then can that gusset be said to be missing?



Nash.
Where's Ros when we need her?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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twoleftfeet
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Re: Bones

Post by twoleftfeet » Sat Jul 20, 2013 2:26 pm

ray miller wrote:
Nash wrote:Can a camisole be crotchless? I mean it is by its very nature, isn't it a top half kind of a thing? If it doesn't have an integral gusset then can that gusset be said to be missing?



Nash.
Where's Ros when we need her?
What's a gusset?
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Bones

Post by Ros » Sat Jul 20, 2013 3:25 pm

ray miller wrote:
Nash wrote:Can a camisole be crotchless? I mean it is by its very nature, isn't it a top half kind of a thing? If it doesn't have an integral gusset then can that gusset be said to be missing?

Nash.
Where's Ros when we need her?
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Yes, usually a top half sort of thing.

I know nothing about undergarments with bits intentionally missing :shock:

Ros
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Re: Bones

Post by Ros » Sat Jul 20, 2013 3:27 pm

twoleftfeet wrote:
ray miller wrote:
Nash wrote:Can a camisole be crotchless? I mean it is by its very nature, isn't it a top half kind of a thing? If it doesn't have an integral gusset then can that gusset be said to be missing?



Nash.
Where's Ros when we need her?
What's a gusset?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gusset

apparently not to be confused with the component of medieval armour!
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ray miller
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Re: Bones

Post by ray miller » Sat Jul 20, 2013 3:37 pm

Strictly speaking, I mean camiknickers. But I've checked and you can buy crotchless camisoles on eBay, as we speak. Quite cheap, too. I'm tempted. But then I wonder, do you pay more for crotchless camisoles or less. Hmmmm? I'm quite drunk, so if I return, just take it all with a pinch of salt.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

ray miller
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Re: Bones

Post by ray miller » Sat Jul 20, 2013 4:05 pm

I noticed the 7th and 8th lines should be reversed.
I have 2 alternative final verses, actually. One is darker and involves not just kissing but burying bones. The other involves a sister.
I'll have a closer look at your suggestion tomorrow, Geoff. Canasta takes ages and you use two packs of cards. Draw your own conclusions.
Ben, the burying bones in the garden is meant to imply, how shall I say it, a certain lack of imagination, limitations to sexuality even.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Bones

Post by BenJohnson » Sat Jul 20, 2013 4:32 pm

Ben, the burying bones in the garden is meant to imply, how shall I say it, a certain lack of imagination, limitations to sexuality even.
I'm now worried I have just displayed my lack of imagination and what that implies about my limitations. At least I should be safe from people seeking my knowledge of gussets.

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