The Record Ghosts (v4)

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Antcliff
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The Record Ghosts (v4)

Post by Antcliff » Fri Oct 04, 2013 7:30 pm

I.M. Benjamin Taylor,
born 1844


There'll always be one:
a missing sibling.
On the census in their teens,
no record of an early death,

but leaving no adult trace;
no marriage, madhouse,
inked or ticketed migration,
no newspaper, letter, "X"

no mark of any shape;
haunting far more,
with even less substance,
than the known Victorian dead.









v3
There'll always be one:
a missing sibling.
On the census in their teens,
no early death recorded,

but leaving no adult trace;
no marriage, madhouse,
inked or ticketed migration,
no newspaper, letter,

no mark of any sort;
haunting far more,
with even less substance,
than the known Victorian dead.









v2
There'll always be one:
a missing sibling.
On the census in their teens,
no death recorded,

but no adult trace;
no marriage, madhouse,
inked or ticketed migration,
no newspaper tale, letter,

no mark of any sort at all;
with even less substance,
haunting far more than
the known Victorian dead.



v1

I.M. Benjamin Taylor,
born 1844



There'll always be one:
a missing sibling.
On the census in their teens,
no death recorded, but

no later adult trace;
no marriage, madhouse,
registered migration,
no newspaper tale, letter

no mark of any sort at all,
haunting far more than
the known Victorian dead,
with even less substance.
Last edited by Antcliff on Wed Oct 16, 2013 12:01 am, edited 20 times in total.
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

Macavity
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Re: The Record Ghosts

Post by Macavity » Sat Oct 05, 2013 8:41 pm

hi Seth,
I read this in terms of no closure because there is no record of such, though I don't comprehend the closing line. Perhaps N. is researching family history and is frustrated by the 'missing' narrative?

mac

ray miller
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Re: The Record Ghosts

Post by ray miller » Sun Oct 06, 2013 7:24 pm

Lot of commas, Seth. I wonder whether a full stop should be used at the end of the 2nd line. And a few judicious semicolons. Do you need Victorian, especially as you've supplied his birth date?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Antcliff
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Re: The Record Ghosts

Post by Antcliff » Mon Oct 07, 2013 11:47 am

Thanks Ray
Yeh, I'll probably take those suggestions.

Thanks, Mac
Yeh, you have it. Sometimes the chase into the past just peters ou.....
And when it does I find myself quite haunted by them. A play on "matter" was intended there at the end.
Anybody seen Ben Taylor around? He left the family home in Wrexham in c.1860 and has not been back since. He was an iron puddler.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: The Record Ghosts

Post by twoleftfeet » Mon Oct 07, 2013 8:58 pm

Seth,

Are you requiring a near-rhyme with "letter" and "matter"?

If not, IMHO "substance" might be better than "matter"

Enjoyed this a lot
Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

Antcliff
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Re: The Record Ghosts

Post by Antcliff » Mon Oct 07, 2013 10:10 pm

Thanks, Geoff
Are you requiring a near-rhyme with "letter" and "matter"?
I was, yes..with the matching rhyme that would be at end of first stanza embedded in st2..."later". But, as you suggest, the near rhyme is perhaps not really worth having/distracting. Yeh, perhaps substance would be a better option.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: The Record Ghosts (v2)

Post by David2 » Sun Oct 13, 2013 3:58 pm

Very good, very haunting subject matter. And you're right, there is always one, at least.

I must admit, I didn't notice the (near-)rhyming.

Just wondering whether it would be better to reorganise the last verse so as to finish on "the known Victorian dead", which is a lovely resonant phrase.

What on earth is an iron puddler?

Cheers

David

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Re: The Record Ghosts (v2)

Post by Antcliff » Sun Oct 13, 2013 7:57 pm

Thanks, David
Yep, sometimes more than one.

I like that idea of ending on that line. Done.

To be a Welsh puddler, you need big, hot balls.
http://www.sirhowy.com/puddler.html


Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: The Record Ghosts (v3)

Post by Ros » Mon Oct 14, 2013 6:27 pm

This is tightening up nicely. do you need the 'at all'?

Ros
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Re: The Record Ghosts (v3)

Post by David2 » Mon Oct 14, 2013 6:31 pm

Antcliff wrote:To be a Welsh puddler, you need big, hot balls.
OK. What else?

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Re: The Record Ghosts (v3)

Post by Antcliff » Mon Oct 14, 2013 6:58 pm

Ros wrote:This is tightening up nicely. do you need the 'at all'?

Ros
Thanks Ros,
I was clinging on to it because "aaaall" sat nicely with "haaaaunt". "Sort" is enough. It should go.

David,
a horrible, dangerous job by all accounts. I've never seen a re-enacting of the old process at an iron forge. I'd very much like to see it.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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