I'd row to Skye (v2)

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Antcliff
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I'd row to Skye (v2)

Post by Antcliff » Mon Oct 07, 2013 5:38 pm

or jump to Jura,
leap, rocks in my pockets,
all the way to Colonsay

or stretch a rhyme
to goaty Gometra. But no,
even then you wouldn't love me

or even if I swam to Harris,
circled Uist,
gave Benbecula a kiss

or even if I flapped to Hirta,
ate the moss.
You just don't give a toss.


v1

or jump to Jura, leap,
rocks in my pockets,
all the way to Colonsay, or

stretch a rhyme
to goaty Gometra. But no,
you wouldn't love me, even then

even if I swam to Harris,
circled Uist,
gave Benbecula a kiss, or

even if I flapped to howly,
lost-hat Hirta, lived on silverweed
and scraped-up moss.
You just don't give a toss.
Last edited by Antcliff on Wed Oct 09, 2013 12:03 am, edited 3 times in total.
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

Elphin
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Re: I'd row to Skye

Post by Elphin » Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:33 pm

I think to work Seth this needs to be strictly rhythmical.

Unexpected ending - which is good

elph

Antcliff
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Re: I'd row to Skye (v2)

Post by Antcliff » Wed Oct 09, 2013 12:00 am

Thanks, Elph

Probably so. :D I'll make it more so at least.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

ray miller
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Re: I'd row to Skye (v2)

Post by ray miller » Wed Oct 09, 2013 12:27 pm

I thought the original last verse was the best bit.

leap, rocks in my pockets, - doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, that line.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Antcliff
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Re: I'd row to Skye (v2)

Post by Antcliff » Wed Oct 09, 2013 12:39 pm

Thanks for returning, Ray
ray miller wrote:I thought the original last verse was the best bit.
Me too. It will be restored.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

David2
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Re: I'd row to Skye (v2)

Post by David2 » Wed Oct 09, 2013 6:38 pm

I like it. I like it so much I find I don't like the brutal bathos of the ending (which Elph likes, which makes me think I'm being over-precious. I probably am.)

So the ending is certainly effective. I agree with Ray about the original last verse.

Cheers

David

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Re: I'd row to Skye (v2)

Post by Antcliff » Thu Oct 10, 2013 8:48 am

Thanks, David

Ha!..I'm not sure that there is much to this other than a build up to "brutal bathos". I'll see if I can give my hero a better fate in an alternative version perhaps.

They smoked silverweed and moss on St Kilda when the boat with tobacco did not arrive.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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