Comfort Screening (version 2)

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1lankest
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Comfort Screening (version 2)

Post by 1lankest » Fri Nov 08, 2013 9:56 am

Rain, and shrouded moon,
enlist the lights of houses
dimly set to evening.

Inside
the lines of over-peopled
couches slump, oblivious:

no patter of rain
on roof, the moon –
dutifully silent.

Few thoughts, only the screenings
squarely shown in frames
of varying celestial sizes;

the thousands of channels,
mostly animals in need (or care),
the rest in stews

(however many minutes
fewer to prepare.)
None see, for browsing, the

darkness rest its forehead
on the windows, nodding
nightly disbelief through

newly insulated panes.
Only to find, smugly
nodding back, comfort raise

its winning fist
and lift, with cosy animosity,
its lighted houses’ easy heat,

the saccharine screens,
all loosely held
in glass.

v2

Rain, and dozy moon,
enlist the lights of houses
dimly set to evening.

Inside
the lines of over-peopled
couches wait, oblivious:

no patter of rain
on roof, the moon –
dutifully silent.

Instead, the screenings
squarely shown in frames
of varying improbable sizes;

the thousands of channels,
mostly animals in need (or care),
the rest in stews

(however many minutes
fewer to prepare.)
None see, for browsing,

darkness rest its forehead
on the windows, nodding
nightly disbelief through

newly insulated panes.
Only to find, smugly
nodding back, comfort raise

its winning fist
and lift, with cosy animosity,
its lighted houses’ easy heat,

the screens,
all loosely held
in glass.
Last edited by 1lankest on Fri Nov 08, 2013 4:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.

ray miller
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Re: Comfort Screening

Post by ray miller » Fri Nov 08, 2013 10:47 am

Enjoyed very much

the thousands of channels,
mostly animals in need (or care),
the rest in stews - I love these 3 lines

(however many minutes
fewer to prepare.) - I don't quite get this, I think you're suggesting homogeneity but doesn't seem to be phrased right.

Rain, and shrouded moon,
enlist the lights of houses - enlist is interesting, the rain and moon have a purpose?

None see, for browsing, the - I think you could lose "the" or move it to the following line. I just hate seeing "the" stuck at the end of a line.

darkness rest its forehead
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Comfort Screening

Post by Elphin » Fri Nov 08, 2013 2:23 pm

Hello Luke

This poem is the proverbial curates egg for me - I like the way you have personified the rain, the dark and the moon and some interesting word choices, like enlist. The stanza Ray points to is engaging too.

On the downside, the subject of the couch potatoes is too easy a target for me and I think some of the language is lacking originality. I particularly hesitated at shrouded in reference to the moon and saccharine and celestial..... over used words in poetry.

my thoughts

elph

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Re: Comfort Screening

Post by k-j » Fri Nov 08, 2013 3:10 pm

Elphin wrote:Hello Luke

This poem is the proverbial curates egg for me - I like the way you have personified the rain, the dark and the moon and some interesting word choices, like enlist. The stanza Ray points to is engaging too.

On the downside, the subject of the couch potatoes is too easy a target for me and I think some of the language is lacking originality. I particularly hesitated at shrouded in reference to the moon and saccharine and celestial..... over used words in poetry.

my thoughts

elph
My thoughts exactly. I think the voice comes across as smug in S4 and at the end. In S4 I have a big problem with "few thoughts" and the description of the TV is needlessly ornate. Though I do like the animals in need/in stews comment! "Saccharine" always seems like a term of condescension to me.

But I really like the idea of the darkness having lost the battle, being shut out and feeling a bit sad.
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: Comfort Screening

Post by 1lankest » Fri Nov 08, 2013 4:29 pm

Thanks guys.

Ray, cheers. Agree about the superfluous 'the'.

Elphin and K-J, thanks for your responses. I did expect these criticisms and to a large extent I agree.
Elphin, you are right about the unoriginal language. I often drift here (hence the 'Especially as I Write' piece!)

K-J, I guess I did intend for condescension to come across, however perhaps poetry isn't the time or place for such patent commentary. This is something I'm learning.

I have revised the poem and I'd be very interested hear if the changes alter your opinions.

Luke

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Re: Comfort Screening (version 2)

Post by David2 » Sun Nov 10, 2013 10:55 am

1lankest wrote:K-J, I guess I did intend for condescension to come across, however perhaps poetry isn't the time or place for such patent commentary. This is something I'm learning.
Hi Luke. Condescension is always tricky, as it's so hard for it not to come across in an unappealing manner. (You may be experiencing that sensation now, in which case I apologise!) It always prompts two questions to the writer:

1. Who are you condescending to?

2. Sorry, who are you again?

So, as I say - tricky! Best avoided if possible. And, after all, use every man after his desert, and who shall scape whipping?

I did like the bits that k-j and Elph liked as well.

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Re: Comfort Screening (version 2)

Post by 1lankest » Sun Nov 10, 2013 12:34 pm

Thanks David. I do agree. Does the second version succeed in losing the condescension enough in your view? Not sure if it's a keeper this one, although I am quite attached to the concept of defeated darkness! Great to know your thoughts on V2.

Luke

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Re: Comfort Screening (version 2)

Post by twoleftfeet » Sun Nov 10, 2013 12:48 pm

Hi, Luke

I didn't feel I was being condescended to - everyone veggies out in front of the telly at one time or another don't they,
including your good self?

I'm afraid I got somewhat lost towards the end with all the personification and what I took to be the juxtaposition of
TV screens and double-glazing!?

The image I really liked was of the TV's with "frames of varying celestial sizes": gazing at the TV vs stargazing.

Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?

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Re: Comfort Screening (version 2)

Post by 1lankest » Sun Nov 10, 2013 1:57 pm

thanks geoff,

Yes I am as much of a tele addict as anyone. The poem is extremely self-deprecating! That is what I intended for the 'celestial' image, glad you like it.

The personification at the end was mainly about comfort winning out over the its antithesis, often at the expense of creativity and life -affirming experiences. It is self-lamenting!

Luke

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Re: Comfort Screening (version 2)

Post by Elphin » Sun Nov 10, 2013 2:15 pm

Hello Luke

I will come back to say that I dont think changing some of the words I pointed out can really rescue the poem -- because I do think it is commentary and not a great subject.

However I do agree you should stay attached to darkness being defeated -- a moment of inspiration will come to you at some point and that and the other good points from the poem will suddenly make their way into a poem with a slightly different subject

cheers

elph

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Re: Comfort Screening (version 2)

Post by 1lankest » Sun Nov 10, 2013 2:19 pm

Thanks elph,

Good advice and just what I needed to hear. I'll keep it fermenting away and move on, as they say.

Luke

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