Untitled

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k-j
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Untitled

Post by k-j » Sat Jul 02, 2016 5:48 am

The rain continues.
I go out in it.
My hair mats to my skin.
It is so rare
that rain stays, steady rain.
The drone
of lawnmowers is stayed.
A moon is there somewhere.
I think of how your chin
is when
you laugh.

And how you swim.
More rain.
You in the bath.
fine words butter no parsnips

Antcliff
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Re: Untitled

Post by Antcliff » Sat Jul 02, 2016 2:57 pm

Very good.
And good to see you around K-J.

I read this as a post-split up poem. The outer rain pairing with inner ache. Of course that is a familiar pairing in song lyrics, but this still managed to seem fresh to me. Liked the closing line and the mat. And the stays/stayed play.

Cheers, Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

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Re: Untitled

Post by Boat » Sat Jul 02, 2016 8:35 pm

If you live in England I can see where the inspiration for this poem came from.

A smooth read.
What the hell do I know about poetry?

ray miller
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Re: Untitled

Post by ray miller » Mon Jul 04, 2016 8:55 am

Do lawnmowers drone? Maybe. But if they do, I'd like The drones of lawnmowers are stayed.

I think of how your chin
is when
you laugh.

Odd line breaks?

Nice ending.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

David
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Re: Untitled

Post by David » Tue Jul 05, 2016 4:32 pm

Excellent ending, I thought. The rest is no mean shakes either, but the ending is terrific. (It does, as Seth says, sound like a post-split up poem. Which, unless it's a flight of fancy, would be sad.)

Cheers

David

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Untitled

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Jul 05, 2016 5:21 pm

A very moving poem, and one to return to. Loved it.

I think when a number of electric lawn mowers are busy cutting grass, a constant drone is to be heard. Not sure I'd be able to separate the individual mowers.
Personally, I'd stick with 'is'. Still mulling it over.

Best

JJ

PS A good title would nail this.

J
Long time a child and still a child

Arian
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Re: Untitled

Post by Arian » Tue Jul 05, 2016 6:55 pm

I really like this, k-j.

The staccato form of the first 3 lines is just perfect for setting the emotional scene, and the rest is a powerful evocation of (possibly lost, but not necessarily) love.

I stumbled over the usage of 'stayed', but on reflection I think it works.

Overall, a very accomplished piece.

Cheers
peter

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Re: Untitled

Post by Firebird » Wed Jul 06, 2016 2:37 pm

I really like this. Clever use of the rain. I especially like the moon behind the clouds. Lovely image. The magic still there, as is the love but lost too.

Good poem.

Cheers,

Tristan

k-j
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Re: Untitled

Post by k-j » Wed Jul 06, 2016 6:00 pm

Thanks all! Not quite a break-up poem, just a family-away-on-holiday-without-me poem, thank god!
fine words butter no parsnips

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Re: Untitled

Post by Macavity » Wed Jul 06, 2016 9:06 pm

hi KJ

Enjoyed much of this. Especially the opening three lines. Maybe me, I'm probably missing the point, but not keen on all that drone of 'is'. An occasional apostrophe may disguise some.
k-j wrote:The rain continues.
I go out in it.
My hair mats to my skin.
It's so rare
that rain stays, steady rain.
The drone
of lawnmowers is stayed.
A moon [s]is[/s] there somewhere.....................a more precise, less passive verb to liven the line? It's a bit dull otherwise.
I think of how your chin.............................I don't see the picture
is when
you laugh.

And how you swim.
More rain.
You in the bath.
best

mac

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Re: Untitled

Post by PaulSteveLaurence » Mon Jul 25, 2016 12:04 pm

Very romantic ending. I was going to ask that you revise a few lines, then saw your emphasis on the "sta" sound and it makes sense.

Lou
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Re: Untitled

Post by Lou » Mon Jul 25, 2016 4:06 pm

Hi k-j,

A very nice watery poem which says everything without outstaying its welcome. Please think of a title for this lovely piece, 'Untitled' is a kind of oxymoron, isn't it?

Best,
Lou

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Re: Untitled

Post by David » Mon Jul 25, 2016 6:56 pm

k-j wrote:Thanks all! Not quite a break-up poem, just a family-away-on-holiday-without-me poem, thank god!
Aha! I knew that - sort of - although I hadn't said. It just came to me that "You in the bath" could just as easily be a memory of your daughter as of your wife.

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Re: Untitled

Post by Basnik » Mon Jul 25, 2016 7:33 pm

I liked it too, lovely echoing and plangent mood. My only nit would be the underwhelming 'is' on the penultimate line of the first stanza, but read against that its simplicity could be what helps make it work. More an opinion than a not actually...

Yours, drenched,
Richard
bez prace, nejsou kolaci - without work, there are no cakes (Czech proverb)

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