Jesse James

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
Antcliff
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6602
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
Location: At the end of stanza 3

Jesse James

Post by Antcliff » Mon Jul 18, 2016 11:57 am

The two "J"s helped.
You need the right sort of name.
"Ronald Endicott Gulliver"
is no outlaw's moniker.
It lacks the easy
sonic bonding
of Cassidy and Sundance.

My father said,
"It's such a shame
our surname "Crook"
is used for crooks".
So I decided
I'd be Crook the crook.

Which could have worked.
But Robert the robber
stole my idea
and left me, as evidence,
only a discarded "T".
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3290
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Jesse James

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Jul 19, 2016 5:48 am

Great title that's virtually impossible to ignore, Seth.

The ensuing poem put a big smile on my face, so much so that I read it a few times.

You could have trumped his 'T' with an 'ED' by calling yourself,"Crook the crooked". :)

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6535
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Jesse James

Post by ray miller » Tue Jul 19, 2016 11:45 am

I don't think the last verse is as good as it might be, but the rest is fine. You might have stuck "double-barrel" in as being rather apt for gunslingers. I do like Crook the crook. There's something Ealing comedy about it.

Miller the Killer
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Basnik
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 394
Joined: Sun Jan 18, 2009 12:26 pm

Re: Jesse James

Post by Basnik » Tue Jul 19, 2016 12:20 pm

Bright, breezy and funny poem. How about 'phonic' rather than 'sonic'? I know they are similar in meaning but the 'ph' sound goes well with the 'b' of bonding.

Yours,
Rich the Snitch.
bez prace, nejsou kolaci - without work, there are no cakes (Czech proverb)

Antcliff
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6602
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: Jesse James

Post by Antcliff » Thu Jul 21, 2016 1:31 pm

Snitch/Killer...thank you.

Yours

Leif the thief
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

User avatar
Jackie
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1261
Joined: Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 am
Contact:

Re: Jesse James

Post by Jackie » Thu Jul 21, 2016 11:13 pm

All the same, t'were the fame.
The disdain brought down
on mouths just for sayin' it
that made James Jesse.

(After all, I was Jackie Jones for 22 years and look what good it did me!) :wink:

Jackie

Boat
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat May 28, 2016 8:37 am

Re: Jesse James

Post by Boat » Fri Jul 22, 2016 8:16 pm

Hello, Ant.

I feel such a dunce but I just don't get the last line?

Pat.
What the hell do I know about poetry?

Post Reply