In Full Light She Asks Each Lover To Read Her Differently

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PaulSteveLaurence
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In Full Light She Asks Each Lover To Read Her Differently

Post by PaulSteveLaurence » Mon Jul 25, 2016 9:53 am

Lip lover's tongue recites a "Where the Wild Things Are"
italic roman sentence that begins at her bitten bottom rose scented lip
curves under her jaw, snakes
down her neck, between her breasts,
over her stomach until it reaches
three dots before her vulva,
and inhales her summer fruit.

Sole lover whispers a gothic lettered "Alice In Wonderland"
sentence that begins under right foot's third toe,
flourishes over her instep,
around her ankle, under her knee
and up the lily aroma of her thigh,
trips lightly
over small apple of her back,
and, against strict instruction
paraphrases, cuts and pastes frenziedly down her other
leg a kiss on each of her painted toes.
Last edited by PaulSteveLaurence on Mon Jul 25, 2016 8:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.

k-j
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Re: In Full Light She Asks Each Lover To Read Her Differentl

Post by k-j » Mon Jul 25, 2016 5:48 pm

Interesting and different and not unerotic.

I think the poem is really in the last two verses - the first three seem like tuning-up and I'm not sure they add very much.

I really like the way the two texts introduce each stanza. I don't think you need to mention the author and the title though. One or the other would suffice, since we are dealing with the best-known work in each case.

"Inhales her summer fruit" and "she has never felt so wet" are a bit OTT, literary-porny for me, but the rest of these two verses is very smoothly done.

Edited to ask: are you actually three people, Paul, Steve and Laurence?
fine words butter no parsnips

PaulSteveLaurence
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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2016 9:06 pm

Re: In Full Light She Asks Each Lover To Read Her Differentl

Post by PaulSteveLaurence » Mon Jul 25, 2016 6:28 pm

k-j wrote:Interesting and different and not unerotic.

I think the poem is really in the last two verses - the first three seem like tuning-up and I'm not sure they add very much.

I really like the way the two texts introduce each stanza. I don't think you need to mention the author and the title though. One or the other would suffice, since we are dealing with the best-known work in each case.

"Inhales her summer fruit" and "she has never felt so wet" are a bit OTT, literary-porny for me, but the rest of these two verses is very smoothly done.

Edited to ask: are you actually three people, Paul, Steve and Laurence?
Thankyou for your comments kj. I agree with most and shall edit accordingly, perhaps, after others have also commented. I'm glad you find it "not unerotic". There is always a danger of slipping into crudity and OTT sleaze as today's society sees it purely in commercial terms. I am one person who does not go by an assumed name, or nom de plume.
Last edited by PaulSteveLaurence on Mon Jul 25, 2016 8:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Basnik
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Re: In Full Light She Asks Each Lover To Read Her Differentl

Post by Basnik » Mon Jul 25, 2016 7:28 pm

Hi,

I liked it too but agree that the final two stanzas are the strongest. Is 'elaborate' used as a verb or an adjective by the way?

Again, I think the last line is ott but I like the summer fruit line, fits with the other imagery and is more subtle. Do you need a comma after toe in final stanza, and after instruction?

Otherwise I thought the sinuous snaky lines worked well and the starting conceit of each stanza was original and engaging.

Best,
Richard
bez prace, nejsou kolaci - without work, there are no cakes (Czech proverb)

PaulSteveLaurence
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Re: In Full Light She Asks Each Lover To Read Her Differentl

Post by PaulSteveLaurence » Mon Jul 25, 2016 8:19 pm

Basnik wrote:Hi,

I liked it too but agree that the final two stanzas are the strongest. Is 'elaborate' used as a verb or an adjective by the way?

Again, I think the last line is ott but I like the summer fruit line, fits with the other imagery and is more subtle. Do you need a comma after toe in final stanza, and after instruction?

Otherwise I thought the sinuous snaky lines worked well and the starting conceit of each stanza was original and engaging.

Best,
Richard
Thankyou, Basnik, edited as per kj and your excellent suggestions.

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