Figure Of Eight Feathers

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PaulSteveLaurence
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Figure Of Eight Feathers

Post by PaulSteveLaurence » Tue Jul 26, 2016 2:37 pm

don't deliberate any stroke
beaks don't question their stab
claws don't ask before they kill

no overseeing clock
no targets set by others
only crying mouths

keyed to earthcloud
wavegust
eyes see you as food
Last edited by PaulSteveLaurence on Fri Jul 29, 2016 8:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

Boat
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Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers

Post by Boat » Wed Jul 27, 2016 8:20 pm

Hello, PSL.

Kestrel? Nature at its rawest?

Pat.
What the hell do I know about poetry?

PaulSteveLaurence
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Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers

Post by PaulSteveLaurence » Wed Jul 27, 2016 8:56 pm

Boat wrote:Hello, PSL.

Kestrel? Nature at its rawest?

Pat.
Any bird of prey, Pat. Thankyou for reading and commenting.

Basnik
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Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers

Post by Basnik » Wed Jul 27, 2016 9:41 pm

Hi,

I think this is quite a difficult theme to explore, especially post-Hughes etc. I like your handling of repetition but not sure it's really adding anything. I felt the 'wavegust' was good though, more Hopkins-esque and engaging the senses than the rest.

Best,
Richard
bez prace, nejsou kolaci - without work, there are no cakes (Czech proverb)

Arian
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Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers

Post by Arian » Thu Jul 28, 2016 6:34 pm

I like this quite a lot, though I tend to agree with Rich's* comment on repetition.

Does 'deliberate' work? I realise you mean it in the sense of lending intention to an act, and it's technically ok, but it sounds a bit odd to my ear. On the other hand, I can't think of an alternative - 'intentionalise' is even worse!

Nice piece.

Cheers
Peter


* Good to see you around!

PaulSteveLaurence
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Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers

Post by PaulSteveLaurence » Thu Jul 28, 2016 9:30 pm

Arian wrote:I like this quite a lot, though I tend to agree with Rich's* comment on repetition.

Does 'deliberate' work? I realise you mean it in the sense of lending intention to an act, and it's technically ok, but it sounds a bit odd to my ear. On the other hand, I can't think of an alternative - 'intentionalise' is even worse!

Nice piece.

Cheers
Peter


* Good to see you around!
To me the alliterative sense is important vernacular wise.

ray miller
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Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers

Post by ray miller » Fri Jul 29, 2016 7:29 am

2nd stanza I like a lot. 3rd one, well, it didn't engage me. Wavegust is nice.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

PaulSteveLaurence
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Re: Figure Of Eight Feathers

Post by PaulSteveLaurence » Fri Jul 29, 2016 8:39 am

ray miller wrote:2nd stanza I like a lot. 3rd one, well, it didn't engage me. Wavegust is nice.
Thankyou, Ray. Edited.

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