A Poem

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
Suzanne
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4898
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
antispam: no
Location: Land of the Midnight Sun

A Poem

Post by Suzanne » Thu Dec 29, 2016 7:54 pm

A Poem

I said, just as tenderly
as butterflies rise and fall
when I hear your voice,
each word of a poem
is set into its place.

Write me a poem, you said,
then rolled me onto my back
under a sky of white round
dandelion tufted clouds

and I laced them together
placed a crown upon your head.
And told you, words
are not as easy
to string together as vapor.







.

Macavity
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6130
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: A Poem

Post by Macavity » Fri Dec 30, 2016 3:16 pm

hi Suzanne,
I guess that final sentence makes your point with the word 'vapour'. However, then rolled me onto my back provides the dynamic in the poem for me.

An option...
I said, just as tenderly
as butterflies rise and fall
when I hear your voice,
each word is set in place.

Write me a poem, you said,
then rolled me onto my back
under a sky of white dandelion
clocks tufted in clouds

and I laced them together
placed a crown upon your head.
I presumed the parallel use of 'place' was intended.

best

mac

68degrees
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 105
Joined: Sat Dec 03, 2016 6:44 pm

Re: A Poem

Post by 68degrees » Sat Dec 31, 2016 3:51 pm

Suzanne wrote:A Poem

I said, just as tenderly
as butterflies rise and fall
when I hear your voice,
each word of a poem
is set into its place.

Write me a poem, you said,
then rolled me onto my back
under a sky of white round
dandelion tufted clouds

and I laced them together
placed a crown upon your head.
And told you, words
are not as easy
to string together as vapor.







.
Things I like: it's romantic. And personal. And gentle. I said / you said approach.

Things I don't like: The title. Dandelion clouds is cliche. Vapor? I just don't get that.

68degrees

Suzanne
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 4898
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
antispam: no
Location: Land of the Midnight Sun

Re: A Poem

Post by Suzanne » Sat Dec 31, 2016 5:13 pm

Thank you, Mac and 68degrees.

I thought my last lines read awkwardly. I was not completely sold on the word vapor for the clouds but could not think of another word. Ether didn't seem right...

And wondered about my title.

This seems like a poem unfinished.

Thanks for the comments.
Suzanne

User avatar
bodkin
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3181
Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:51 pm
antispam: no
Location: Two inches behind my eyes just above the bridge of my nose.

Re: A Poem

Post by bodkin » Tue Jan 03, 2017 4:43 pm

I'd be OK for "vapour" for "clouds" but less so with "clouds" for "words"... How are clouds easy to string together?

Unless you are trying to say stringing clouds is hard? I thought not, but...

There is a saying "as easy as plaiting fog" which means hard (in the sense of hard because ungraspable, rather than because resistant...)

Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/

Antcliff
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 6599
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
Location: At the end of stanza 3

Re: A Poem

Post by Antcliff » Fri Jan 06, 2017 6:56 pm

Suzanne....just calling by to say that I really liked the butterfly comparison.

Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur

Post Reply