lost life

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Firebird
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lost life

Post by Firebird » Sun Jan 14, 2018 7:45 pm

on a beach,
once full
with treasures,
I find
one ribbed edge
of ammonite,
that curls
in
and in.

David Smedley
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Re: lost life

Post by David Smedley » Mon Jan 15, 2018 10:53 am

Worked for me. the last 2 lines brought that bit of extra depth. The last 5 lines also worked on their own.

D.

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Re: lost life

Post by Firebird » Mon Jan 15, 2018 1:41 pm

Hi David, pleased you like it, and think you are right, it could work with just the final five lines. My only reservation is that if I did that I'd lose the idea that the beach was hunted out of fossils, and that once when the N was a child there were many full annomites to be found, and how this implies (in the form of a full annomite, not just the edge of one) that N was looking forward to a well mapped out future/or one that had lots to look forward to. I know, I'm probably pushing it here.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: lost life

Post by David Smedley » Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:21 pm

My only reservation is that if I did that I'd lose the idea that the beach was hunted out of fossils, and that once when the N was a child there were many full annomites to be found.
Yes your right, your intention regarding what you wanted to imply to the reader did come across to me.

D.

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Re: lost life

Post by Suzanne » Mon Jan 22, 2018 8:58 am

Hi firebird,

I think adding some color or sound would enhance the whole. Just a thought.

Suzanne

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