Snow Hoard (v3)

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
1lankest
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1698
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Snow Hoard (v3)

Post by 1lankest » Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:09 pm

V3

The drift on Trussel Road summits at six or seven feet
before the down-curve. Wisps of powder circulate,
settle, then climb again. They carry cargo from the East:

microliths of piercing cold, specks of amber, torcs, lunulae
spinning gold across the white. A Beast, they call it,
this fugue of riches, unearthed by a change of wind.


V2

The drift on Trussel Road summits at six or seven feet
before the down-curve. Wisps of powder circulate,
settle, then climb again. They carry cargo from the East:

microliths of piercing cold, specks of amber, torcs, lunulae
spinning gold across the white. A Beast, they call it,
this fugue of riches, unearthed by a sudden change of wind.

Original

The drift on Trussel Road summits at six or seven feet
before the down-curve. Wisps of powder circulate
in patterns of lace, filigree. They carry cargo from the East:

microliths of piercing cold, specks of amber, torcs, lunulae
spinning gold across the white. A Beast, they call it,
this fugue of riches, unearthed by a sudden change of wind.
Last edited by 1lankest on Mon Mar 19, 2018 5:40 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5717
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Snow Hoard

Post by Macavity » Mon Mar 12, 2018 9:17 pm

hi Luke

I did not know the words microliths or lunulae. That was of interest. The wisps/lace/filigree were more familiar - in the poetic sense. Perhaps more about Trussel Road would ground the poem?

best

mac

Ros
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 7965
Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 4:53 pm
antispam: no
Location: this hill-shadowed city/of razors and knives.
Contact:

Re: Snow Hoard

Post by Ros » Wed Mar 14, 2018 10:57 am

I think it's lovely, the idea of the snow bringing treasures from the far north. Good stuff.

Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk

1lankest
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1698
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Snow Hoard

Post by 1lankest » Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:27 pm

Thanks Mac...possibly you're right but I wanted the focus to be the snow, and what it carries, not the landing ground!
Thanks Ros, really glad you like it.

L

David
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 13692
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Re: Snow Hoard

Post by David » Wed Mar 14, 2018 4:48 pm

Ros wrote:I think it's lovely, the idea of the snow bringing treasures from the far north. Good stuff.
I agree, and caught beautifully by the title, which hooked me as soon as I read it. Glad the poem delivered on its promise.

Mac is right about lace and filigree and (in effect) poetical commonplaces, though. Can you make it more surprising? (Think of Louis McN!)

Microliths I knew, but not lunulae. I think the use of microliths is excellent.

Cheers

David

churinga
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 478
Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2018 12:54 am
Location: Sydney, Australia
Contact:

Re: Snow Hoard

Post by churinga » Wed Mar 14, 2018 5:19 pm

The drift on Trussel Road summits at six or seven feet
'summits' is an interesting word choice, almost ironic, given the height.

Wisps of powder circulate
in patterns of lace, filigree.
I like the sonics of this, I read filigree as a verb. It may be cliched in terms of word choice but they way it's put together saves it.

They carry cargo from the East:
This has an echo of 'wise men from the East' but is at odds with (I am assuming) the cold coming down from the North.

microliths of piercing cold, specks of amber, torcs, lunulae
spinning gold across the white. A Beast, they call it,
this fugue of riches,
This was interesting, 'fugue of riches' is original.

..... by a sudden change of wind.
This is a let down, it is very literal and prosaic.

I think you need to grow the poem, it cries out for more verses.

1lankest
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1698
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Snow Hoard

Post by 1lankest » Fri Mar 16, 2018 10:00 am

Thanks David, I love the Macneice poem, Snow. Perhaps this was subconsciously inspired by it. Soundlessly collateral and incompatible.

I have changed those words, I agree they are overused. Hope the new version isn't too dull. Feel it might be. Thanks churinga - not sure I agree that the last line is prosaic, given the wind's role here as the archaeologist. Not sure I have seen that before in a poem....

But you might be right about the need for more verses.

L

Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5717
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Snow Hoard (revised)

Post by Macavity » Fri Mar 16, 2018 9:22 pm

Hope the new version isn't too dull. Feel it might be.
The revision does show a progression from listing words to verbs. You are right though. The invention of S2, and the cargo notion, are more imaginative, fresher writing.

a 'fickle change of wind' may be an option in the closing line

best

mac

David
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 13692
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Re: Snow Hoard (revised)

Post by David » Sat Mar 17, 2018 6:32 pm

A simple change, but a telling one, I think, Luke. It's even better now. (I only saw one change, in L3 - did I miss any others?)

Cheers

David

1lankest
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1698
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Snow Hoard (revised)

Post by 1lankest » Sun Mar 18, 2018 3:51 pm

Thanks mac, good shout. Or maybe just 'a change of wind...'?

Ta David, really pleased you like it. Hurrah!

Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5717
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Snow Hoard (revised)

Post by Macavity » Mon Mar 19, 2018 7:13 am

Or maybe just 'a change of wind...'?
Yes, I feel that's it Luke. The simple is often more effective than yet another pointed modifier. The element of chance quietly conveyed.

cheers

mac

1lankest
Preternatural Poster
Preternatural Poster
Posts: 1698
Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: Snow Hoard (v3)

Post by 1lankest » Mon Mar 19, 2018 5:42 pm

Thanks Mac, quite agree. Final version posted.

L

ray miller
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 6513
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am

Re: Snow Hoard (v3)

Post by ray miller » Wed Mar 21, 2018 11:34 am

Nice poem. 4th line a bit too long? I prefer the original lace and filigree passage.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

Post Reply