Skein over a reservoir

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1lankest
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Skein over a reservoir

Post by 1lankest » Fri Apr 06, 2018 3:44 pm

It burrows through fog, corbelling
a raft of air beneath it: water,
punctuated by the drum of wings.

Who then, having changed its mind
boomerangs and climbs, incorrigibly
singular, into a monolith-dawn.

k-j
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Re: Skein over a reservoir

Post by k-j » Fri Apr 06, 2018 4:26 pm

I'm not sure about "burrows". It's kind of a slow-sounding verb isn't it? I'd think something like "drills" would be better here.

"Corbelling" felt a bit flashy on first read but I'm coming round to it.

"Who" feels out of place grammatically but I'm sure you realise that.

I would lose "incorrigibly" which is a word I struggle to take seriously, and a short line 5 would add heft I think.

"Monolith-dawn", hmm... not really seeing it.

I wasn't familiar with this sense of "skein". Interestingly "corbel" apparently has a bird-related etymology.
fine words butter no parsnips

1lankest
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Re: Skein over a reservoir

Post by 1lankest » Fri Apr 06, 2018 5:37 pm

Ta k-j. Agree with all here. Incorrigibly is there to echo macneice but I will lose it. Not sure about the monolith dawn. I think one shrouded in fog becomes inspeperable from the fog itself, hence monolithic. Hmmm...

Thanks for helpful crit!

L

churinga
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Re: Skein over a reservoir

Post by churinga » Sat Apr 07, 2018 12:57 am

I would put the title in the window even though it appears above it, it is so much part of the poem. I would even put it as a title/first line.


It burrows
I also don't like 'burrows', too much associated with earth bound creatures

corbelling
I like corbelling, was new to me.

the drum of wings.
A bit ordinary.

Who then, having changed its mind
The grammatical mistake really bugs me.

.....incorrigibly
singular,
These two are a real tongue twister, I agree 'incorrigibly' I could live without.


It took me into your world which is so different from mine. I liked the ending. I could imagine it.

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lotus
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Re: Skein over a reservoir

Post by lotus » Tue Apr 10, 2018 8:41 am

perhaps play with the layout
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Skein.png
Skein
Skein.png (36.99 KiB) Viewed 1234 times
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

1lankest
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Re: Skein over a reservoir

Post by 1lankest » Wed Apr 11, 2018 6:28 pm

Thanks Lotus, Churinga, some helpful ideas. I agree the grammatical error can't be overlooked.
Not thrilled with this one. I nice image, perhaps, but no more.

L

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