Minor Constellations

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RCJames
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Minor Constellations

Post by RCJames » Mon Apr 29, 2019 4:12 pm

Under the Southern Cross
we're awash in stars
brighter than all others
around it.

We touch,
exploring small constellations,
feeling for connections
to the larger pulse,
the dynamic of celestial zones,

then pause
and give our eyes
back to the night sky,

filled with further reaches,
our reaches,
anything tangible,

the dance
of our joined lips,

universes
behind closed eyes.


(1st rev.)
Under the Southern Cross
we wish upon its stars,
brighter than any others.

We touch,
exploring small constellations,
feeling for connections
to the larger pulse,
the dynamic of celestial zones,

then pause and look
back to the night sky
filled with further reaches,
our reaches,
anything tangible,

the dance
of our joined lips,

universes
behind closed eyes.



(original)
Under the Southern Cross
we wish upon its stars,
brighter than any others.

We touch,
exploring small constellations,
feeling for connections
to the larger pulse,
the dynamic of celestial zones,

then pause and give our eyes
back to the night sky
filled with further reaches,
our reaches,
anything tangible to hold.

Just give us the moment,
we’ll cradle it with hands
subtly introduced
to the interstellar movements
now become the dance
of our joined lips,

universes
shining
behind closed eyes.
Last edited by RCJames on Wed Jun 12, 2019 11:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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lotus
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Re: Minor Constellations

Post by lotus » Thu May 23, 2019 4:47 pm

dear RC

the remanence of something i whispered elsewhere before
a warm smile
silent lotus



i wonder if the ending might be
suggestive enough ,, with fewer words




us
the moment
the dance

joined lips

universes
behind closed eyes
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

RCJames
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Re: Minor Constellations

Post by RCJames » Thu May 23, 2019 6:34 pm

silent - I had revised the ending at OAF but hadn't changed it here - RC

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Minor Constellations

Post by JJWilliamson » Sat May 25, 2019 6:50 am

Minor constellations bring sweet sensations.

Hmmm! Heady days.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

RCJames
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Re: Minor Constellations

Post by RCJames » Wed Jun 05, 2019 11:32 pm

jj - enjoyed the comment - thanks - RC

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Re: Minor Constellations

Post by Poet » Tue Jun 11, 2019 3:53 pm

Nice poem.

RCJames
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Re: Minor Constellations

Post by RCJames » Tue Jun 11, 2019 9:13 pm

Thank you poet - RC

barrett
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Re: Minor Constellations

Post by barrett » Wed Jun 12, 2019 10:52 pm

Beautiful piece, RC.

Shame to lose "then pause and give our eyes / back to the night sky" in the revision. Lovely line but I see that it interferes with the ending.

I do wonder about the first stanza. Is it possibly a little prosaic in comparison to the rest? The second line could almost be considered a bit twee perhaps. Just some thoughts, great poem nonetheless.

All the best,
barrett

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Re: Minor Constellations

Post by RCJames » Wed Jun 12, 2019 11:30 pm

barrett - I tried your suggestions - think they work - thanks - not sure if the repeat of "eyes" is an issue - RC

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