Lady from Madrid (revision)

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RCJames
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Lady from Madrid (revision)

Post by RCJames » Wed May 29, 2019 5:29 pm

Her eyes flash revolution
at the first shot fired,
the struggle re-defined.

Her strategies sprawl
outside the standard lines,
in variations of the absurd.

She speaks in tones,
a desert sound,
chimes, Japanese gongs.

Her thought vibrates comfortably,
full risk, at far reaches,
with unheard of solutions.

She challenges
the shifting center,
eases barricades to the wings

with a director's mastery
and indifference
to the beauty of her voice.

She's termagant,
a cyclone
in a box canyon.

At the over-leaping brilliance
of her gaze, the horizon
opens to her report.




(original)
Her eyes flash revolution
at the first shot fired,
the march home free.

She looks for possibilities
outside the standard lines,
in variations of the absurd.

The language she's chosen
is a tone, a desert sound,
chimes, Japanese gongs.

Her thought vibrates comfortably,
hauling in unheard of solutions
in far reaches, at full risk.

She gets off on changes
inside the shifting center,
eases barricades to the wings

with a performing clown's
nonchalance and wry indifference
to the beauty of her voice.

She's rambunctious,
stirring things up, like a zephyr
in a box canyon.

At the over-leaping brilliance
of her gaze, the horizon
opens to her report.
Last edited by RCJames on Sun Jun 09, 2019 4:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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lotus
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Re: Lady from Madrid

Post by lotus » Wed May 29, 2019 5:49 pm

dear RC

that zephyr breeze
has a mellow revolutionary zither feel to it

lots of juxtaposition
in this p0em
that intrigues me

silent lotus

“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

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JJWilliamson
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Re: Lady from Madrid

Post by JJWilliamson » Wed May 29, 2019 6:24 pm

Hi RC

I love the title and am intrigued by this lady from Madrid, so much so that it merits a second and third read.
I will come back later to offer you some feedback, but in the meantime I'll just say I enjoyed this very much.
It had a enigmatic feel, or rather she did, that I found captivating.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: Lady from Madrid

Post by RCJames » Sun Jun 02, 2019 4:11 pm

Thank you silent - I love how you unearth unlikey morsels from the pieces you're commenting on - Gracias - RC

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Re: Lady from Madrid

Post by RCJames » Tue Jun 04, 2019 3:39 pm

jj - She was an actress I saw in a movie that took place in Madrid, but, for the life of me, I can't remember her name or the name of the movie.
State of my memory at this age, I'll keep trying to google her. - RC

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Re: Lady from Madrid

Post by JamesM » Wed Jun 05, 2019 7:15 am

Hello RC,
they are coming thick and fast.
Her eyes flash revolution
at the first shot fired,
the march home free.
A strong start weakened by that last line that
allows ambiguity in.
She looks for possibilities
outside the standard lines,
in variations of the absurd.
While the idea here is good, the structure of the sentence and
bland word choices let you down. 'looks for'
'possibilities', 'outside'...etc. They lack punch.
The language she's chosen
is a tone, a desert sound,
chimes, Japanese gongs.
This is better especially L3 but again the opening
is flat, 'language' is weak and the perfect tense
also lessens the impact.
Her thought vibrates comfortably,
hauling in unheard of solutions
in far reaches, at full risk.
Again, the ideas a re sound but it
feels like you haven't quite hit the spot,
'hauling' seems inaccurate. 'in' and 'at'
are confusing and awkward.
She gets off on changes
inside the shifting center,
eases barricades to the wings

with a performing clown's
nonchalance and wry indifference
to the beauty of her voice.
'Gets off' strikes the wrong tone as does the introduction
of the clown image. 'Wry' doesn't quite fit
with portrait you've been building.
She's rambunctious,
stirring things up, like a zephyr
in a box canyon.

At the over-leaping brilliance
of her gaze, the horizon
opens to her report.
Again, 'rambunctious' feels misplaced.
As does 'zephyr' with its implied gentleness
yet paired with 'stirring things up'.
Your close, however, hits the spot.
Seems like I've not much liked this when, in fact,
I really like what you are trying to do.
It's just some of your word choices and syntax which
are bogging this down.

Regards

RCJames
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Re: Lady from Madrid

Post by RCJames » Wed Jun 05, 2019 7:03 pm

James - Got'cha - I"ll work on it - Thanks - RC

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Re: Lady from Madrid (revision)

Post by Poet » Tue Jun 11, 2019 2:07 am

RC this is the same poem I've read from poetrycircle. Interesting that you are here too.

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Re: Lady from Madrid (revision)

Post by RCJames » Tue Jun 11, 2019 2:56 pm

Poet - Yah, in this world you're allowed to be in more than one place at a time - RC

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