Las' Chance Aberdeen

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RCJames
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Las' Chance Aberdeen

Post by RCJames » Mon Jun 24, 2019 7:18 pm

This should be played and sung - but I don't see a way of posting audio here.

This is a variation on standard blues form with country dialect a part of it.


Gonna hot-foot it up to Aberdeen this morning
My good gal she left me without no warning,
All 'a way to Aberdeen, the sky was stormin'.

Way grow too hard, I'm 'a go straight there,
nothin' above or down below make me care,
I'll show my sweet mama, take her to the fair.

Gonna grab my jumper,* hang it on the wall,
catch it honey baby now just before it fall,
ain't gonna be my baby, I hear the devil's call.

Whup my plow horse up the last long hill,
she won't be my fair brown, tall Sara will.
Ho, giddup, I got just one more row to till.

Her midnight voice sound just like a flute,
gonna tangle up my guitar, play it like a lute;
I'll be her conductor, put on my formal suit.

Yah, my good gal left without no warning,

I got this one last dream I want to fill,
she won't be my sweet mama, tall Sara will.


*There's a variety of phrases regarding "jumper"
but they all refer to favorable conditions for
extra-marital sex.
Last edited by RCJames on Tue Jun 25, 2019 4:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Perry
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Re: Las' Chance Aberdeen

Post by Perry » Tue Jun 25, 2019 2:25 am

I like it. It shows ambition to write in any dialect, and I think you've done this well. The story line rolls out in a logical progression.

I have never had a great familiarity with specific poetic forms, so I can't tell if you are using one here. However, it sticks out like a sore thumb that you didn't completely rhyme the final triplet. You said you are using a "country" dialect, but I still wonder if you could use the word "chill" in the final stanza:

Yah, my good gal left me in a deep chill,
I got this one last dream I want to fill,
she won't be my sweet mama, tall Sara will.


Does that work for you? I think that this line:

I'll be her conductor, put on my formal suit.

Would be better like this:

I'll be her conductor, wear my formal suit.

To make it work as a poem and not just song lyrics, you need the meter to be as regular and smooth as possible.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

RCJames
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Re: Las' Chance Aberdeen

Post by RCJames » Tue Jun 25, 2019 11:16 pm

Perry - This really is more of a song than a poem, using the standard 12 bar blues structure. I broke it at the end
into two parts - in the song you'd have a solo before that single line that repeats the main theme - a solo after
that single line and then the ending couplet. I'd like to play the audio I have but don't see how to do it - RC

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Perry
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Re: Las' Chance Aberdeen

Post by Perry » Wed Jun 26, 2019 12:41 am

Sorry if I evaluated it as a poem. There is a board on this forum where you can post song lyrics.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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Re: Las' Chance Aberdeen

Post by RCJames » Wed Jun 26, 2019 1:06 am

Nobody's fault - unless possibly mine - I did post it as a poem to feature the lyrics rather than performance.
I appreciate your comment that the narrative was clear to you.

The only forum I've seen here that accepts audio is a "featured audio" forum that I guess you have to be
chosen for - RC

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Perry
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Re: Las' Chance Aberdeen

Post by Perry » Wed Jun 26, 2019 4:47 am

There's a board called "Music and Song Lyric Discussion".
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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