The Pub's Boot Room (final revision )

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JJWilliamson
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Re: The Pub's Boot Room (revision 2)

Post by JJWilliamson » Thu Jul 25, 2019 4:29 pm

Tentative revision based on replies received. Useful feedback, there, folks.

Thanks to all.

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

NotQuiteSure
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Re: The Pub's Boot Room (revision 2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Jul 25, 2019 5:25 pm

.
Hi JJ,
'afters' took me in an entirely unexpected direction, not what I was expecting at all :)

S1 - I think the 'of x and y' in L1 and L2 sets up an expectation that 'where' fails
to meet. Perhaps a period after 'macs' and then Here laces ... ? ('It speaks' does
not apply to the final two lines').

S2 - maybe 'cling on to ...' ?
Doesn't 'warm' imply 'drying'? Might they be 'steaming' or 'dripping' or 'sweating' or something
to compare with 'pestilential'?

S3 - think you need a third 'to' in L3,
(could you contrive to swap the 'shores'
for a 'hanging valley'?)
it wanders, slow, round Watendlath,
by ...

S4 - do you need 'I think', maybe Once more with ... to continue the flow of S3?
If the 'mud' is 'claggy' then how does it 'splash'? If only there were cattle in a country lane :)

S5 - Should it be
'Though
...
there's nothing beats a
welcome ale
with ...
?


Purely out of curiosity, and in no way a nudge towards a punchier opening, is the boot room
directly ahead when one enters (intrigued by the pictures on the link David posted and
trying to visualise the place) ?


Regards, Not


.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Tue Jul 30, 2019 10:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

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JJWilliamson
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Re: The Pub's Boot Room (revision 2)

Post by JJWilliamson » Sat Jul 27, 2019 8:36 am

Thanks, Not, for the considered comments. Appreciated.
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 5:25 pm
.
Hi JJ,
'afters' took me in an entirely unexpected direction, not what I was expecting at all :) ...Ah, it's ok, Not. I've finally arrived at a final decision, after much thought. I will revert to 'laughter', simply for the ease of access and accuracy. The more I thought about it the more I realised how the simple 'laughter' conveyed/suggested so much without me actually stating the cause or source of the said laughing.

S1 - I think the 'of x and y' in L1 and L2 sets up an expectation that 'where' fails
to meet. Perhaps a period after 'macs' and then Here laces ... ? ('It speaks' does
not apply to the final two lines'). ...I'm happy enough with the progression and train of thought.

S2 - maybe 'cling on to ...' ? ...I prefer the iamb to your suggested anapest. I actually like the anapestic foot, and unlike many purists I believe it has a place in iambic verse.
Doesn't 'warm' imply 'drying'? Might they be 'steaming' or 'dripping' or 'sweating' or something
to compare with 'pestilential'? ...The pipes do the warming and they dry on the box. I saw it as a progression.

S3 - think you need a third 'to' in L3, ...Metrically it would be clumsy and I don't really see the problem. I could but do I need to?
(could you contrive to swap the 'shores'
for a 'hanging valley'?) ...It would have to be plural and metrically speaking I'd be substituting one syllable for four. That's a giant leap for one man. :) It would also be a geomorphological incongruity.
it wanders, slow, round Watendlath,
by ...

S4 - do you need 'I think', maybe Once more with ... to continue the flow of S3?
If the 'mud' is 'claggy' then how does it 'splash'? If only there were cattle in a country lane :) ...Claggy mud definitely splashes, but it all depends on the clagginess of the mud in question. :)

S5 - Should it be
'Though ...I think that might be a better word. Let me think on it.
...
there's nothing beats a
welcome ale ...'a pint' is more imperial. :)
with ...
?

Actually, I keep returning to S5 because the grammar bothers me a bit, though I can't quite be sure why. I think it's 'in' that bothers me as I toy with "from" or some other more suitable word.


Purely out of curiosity, and in no way a nudge towards a punchier opening, is the boot room
directly ahead when one enters (intrigued by the pictures on the link David posted and
trying to visualise the place) ? ...This is more a tribute to boot rooms everywhere but as you enter the first door, directly on the right there's a tiny snug that doubles as a boot room, or used to.


Regards, Not


.
Thanks again; always good to think.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

RCJames
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Re: The Pub's Boot Room (final revision )

Post by RCJames » Sat Jul 27, 2019 11:25 pm

jj - If a non-English speaker heared this read aloud they might have a very different idea of what the subject or mood of it is, because the sounds the tones and the combined metric and rhythmic devices really are almost playful, at the least sonically pleasing. Enjoyed it very much - RC

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Re: The Pub's Boot Room (final revision )

Post by JJWilliamson » Sun Jul 28, 2019 1:10 pm

Delighted you enjoyed, RC. Thanks for letting me know how the rhythms and music hit you. Appreciated.

I like writing about ordinary things and often attempt to look at everyday situations from an optimistic perspective.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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Re: The Pub's Boot Room (final revision )

Post by Firebird » Sun Jul 28, 2019 4:04 pm

Lovely JJ, as I’d expect. Many an untold tale in the boot room, I’m sure. My only nit would be your use of ‘pestilential‘. It seems out of place with the rest of the poem’s diction.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: The Pub's Boot Room (final revision )

Post by JJWilliamson » Tue Jul 30, 2019 7:19 am

Thanks, Tristan. Delighted you liked.
Firebird wrote:
Sun Jul 28, 2019 4:04 pm
Lovely JJ, as I’d expect. Many an untold tale in the boot room, I’m sure.

My only nit would be your use of ‘pestilential‘. It seems out of place with the rest of the poem’s diction. ...Ah NO!! That's my pride and joy. :) I rarely get the chance to slip a four syllable word into metered verse, especially where iambic tetrameter is concerned. One word takes four of the eight available syllables, and it FITS! Opening the door to a boot room is sometimes like opening the gates of Hell. It's an olfactory tsunami. :)

Cheers,

Tristan
Good to see you again and I hope your worthy cause met with a sympathetic ear.

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

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