Out Of My League - revision

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ray miller
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Out Of My League - revision

Post by ray miller » Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:24 am

Revision

These days she always ends up on top,
eyes tight shut the better to fuck
and focus on felicity. She’s unaware
I’m travelling somewhere in between
Accrington Stanley and York City.
It’s a tip I came across in a self-help book
way back in the seventies: to delay orgasm,
work your way through a mental list.
So I memorised the teams of the Football League.
In those days I’d rarely make it
past the Bristols, but with time and practice
I began to reach the Middlesboroughs
and Southends on a regular basis.
If she opened her eyes she might mistake
my furrowed brows for blissfulness
when I’m just trying to avoid
the drop into The Conference.


Original


These days she always ends up on top,
eyes tight shut the better to fuck
and focus on felicity, unaware
I’m somewhere in between
Accrington Stanley and York City.
A tip I picked up from a self-help book
way back in my early twenties:
to delay ejaculation,
work your way through a mental list.
So I memorised the teams of the Football League.
In those days I’d rarely make it
past the Bristols, but with time and practice
I began to reach the Middlesboroughs
and Southends on a regular basis.
Lately, lots of sides have been slipping out
the league altogether, to be substituted
by less familiar places. Every year it gets harder
to remember all ninety-two teams.
If she opened her eyes she might mistake
my furrowed brows for blissfulness
when I’m just trying to dodge
the drop into The Conference.
Last edited by ray miller on Tue Jan 28, 2020 11:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Out Of My League

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Jan 15, 2020 2:22 pm

.
Hi ray,
great title. Like the beginning and the (ahem) climax, but the middle section (L8 - to 'places' or even 'teams') isn't doing much, for me.

"Every year it gets harder" - boasting? :)

('when all I'm trying to do is dodge' ?)


Regards, Not.


.

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Perry
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Re: Out Of My League

Post by Perry » Fri Jan 17, 2020 1:25 am

I think that this is a very good poem -- humorous and yet poignant. There's a certain sadness to having to delay ejaculation (pleasure) with what amounts to a word game, and the poem conveys that feeling along with the humor in a balanced way.
ray miller wrote:
Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:24 am
These days she always ends up on top,
eyes tight shut, the better to fuck [add comma]
and focus on felicity, unaware
that I’m somewhere in between [add "that"]
Accrington Stanley and York City.
A tip I picked up from a self-help book
way back in my early twenties: to delay ejaculation,
work your way through a mental list.
So I memorised the teams of the Football League.
In those days I’d rarely make it
past the Bristols, but with time and practice
I began to reach the Middlesboroughs
and Southends on a regular basis.
Lately, lots of sides have been slipping out
of the league altogether, to be substituted [add "of"]
by less familiar places. Every year it gets harder [substitute "places" with "names"?]
to remember all ninety-two teams.
If she opened her eyes she might mistake
my furrowed brows for blissful joy
when I’m just trying to dodge
the drop into The Conference.
"blissful joy" might be a redundancy, but I feel that "ness" needs to be replaced with a one-syllable word to make it flow better. I'm sure you can think of something that's not redundant.

As time passes, I find myself eliminating adjectives and adverbs that aren't absolutely necessary as I feel that they clutter up (and therefore dilute) a poem, and thus I struck "tight", "way back" and "all".

My changes above are very specific. I was just applying my own sensibility to your syntax. They are, of course, suggestions. You should use your own syntax.

Good work.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

ton321
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Re: Out Of My League

Post by ton321 » Thu Jan 23, 2020 12:31 am

Hi Ray
Enjoyed very much. I would cut cut lines 15-18, to me it reads better,
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Jackie
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Re: Out Of My League

Post by Jackie » Sat Jan 25, 2020 9:18 pm

I would cut cut lines 15-18, to me it reads better,
I agree with Tony on this point. These lines are a letdown from "on a regular basis," which I loved.

Much enjoyed!
Jackie

ray miller
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Re: Out Of My League - revision

Post by ray miller » Tue Jan 28, 2020 11:30 am

Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I've put lines15-18 on the subs bench for now, though I'm not sure that doesn't dilute the ending.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Out Of My League - revision

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Feb 01, 2020 5:27 pm

.
Hi ray,
I like the revision, though I think you can drop 'orgasm', not needed (in the context, or after 'fuck').

Maybe leave a line after 'list' (L8)?

Would one mistake a 'furrowed brow' for 'blissfulness' and not 'concentration'? (Unfocused gaze?)

(did wonder about 'struggling' for 'travelling')

Really like the 'relegation battle' ending ... Though if you've memorised the league, wouldn't arriving
at the conference suggest greater staying power? Or does arriving there 'accidentally' has a negative
connotation. Even in the original it's not clear why there'd be a consequence to misremembering, rather
than the one the comes from being unable to concentrate, or why N is memorising a new list each year.


Regards, Not


.

ray miller
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Re: Out Of My League - revision

Post by ray miller » Sun Feb 02, 2020 12:30 pm

Thanks, Not. Orgasm is necessary - for all sorts of reasons.
I thought about 2 stanzas, ending the first at "list", maybe I'll do that.
OK, I hoped I'd not have to go into detailed explanations, but.... the list would change each year as 2, or is it 3, teams exchange places from League 2 and The Conference.
Except The Conference isn't called that anymore, it's The Vanarama. But the main reason I stick with The Conference is the idea that the last thing N wants is a "conference", to talk about "issues", especially bedroom issues. Other than that, people can make what they will of "the drop", the obvious one is demotion, deterioration, no sex at all.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Out Of My League - revision

Post by Poet » Mon Feb 03, 2020 6:37 am

I don't get "into the drop of conferences", what does that mean?

ray miller
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Re: Out Of My League - revision

Post by ray miller » Mon Feb 03, 2020 9:20 am

Poet wrote:
Mon Feb 03, 2020 6:37 am
I don't get "into the drop of conferences", what does that mean?
Well, on the one hand, The Conference is, or was, simply a lower tier of English football. On the other hand, The Conference, or more commonly The Conference Room is the section of public houses where men of a certain age meet on a regular basis to discuss their sexual difficulties, their "issues". Honesty and candour is expected and anyone suspected of being too coy will be penalised. The penalty generally takes the form of being obliged to drink extra pints of their least favourite beer. This tends to exacerbate the original sexual problem, of course, but is also fun to watch.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Out Of My League - revision

Post by Poet » Sun Jun 21, 2020 1:49 am

ray miller wrote:
Mon Feb 03, 2020 9:20 am
Poet wrote:
Mon Feb 03, 2020 6:37 am
I don't get "into the drop of conferences", what does that mean?
Well, on the one hand, The Conference is, or was, simply a lower tier of English football. On the other hand, The Conference, or more commonly The Conference Room is the section of public houses where men of a certain age meet on a regular basis to discuss their sexual difficulties, their "issues". Honesty and candour is expected and anyone suspected of being too coy will be penalised. The penalty generally takes the form of being obliged to drink extra pints of their least favourite beer. This tends to exacerbate the original sexual problem, of course, but is also fun to watch.
Interesting!

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Re: Out Of My League - revision

Post by TrevorConway » Wed Jul 01, 2020 6:42 pm

Hey Ray,

Nice work. Although the title fits with the football team, it kind of threw me off (the "if she's out of his league, why are they shagging?" reaction). How about "Avoiding the Drop"? Could it work better to avoid mentoring York City until the end? (e.g. "yet to reach York City"). Not much to suggest, as it hit so many right notes, and it didn't sag. I decided to throw in a few stanza breaks and see how it looks/sounds...

These days she always ends up on top,
eyes tight shut the better to fuck
and focus on felicity. She’s unaware
I’m travelling somewhere in between
Accrington Stanley and York City.

It’s a tip I came across in a self-help book
way back in the seventies: to delay orgasm,
work your way through a mental list.
So I memorised the teams of the Football League.

In those days I’d rarely make it
past the Bristols, but with time and practice
I began to reach the Middlesboroughs
and Southends on a regular basis.

If she opened her eyes she might mistake
my furrowed brows for blissfulness
when I’m just trying to avoid
the drop into The Conference.

All the best,

T

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