Curiosity (v3b)

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Firebird
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Re: Curiosity (v3)

Post by Firebird » Wed Jan 29, 2020 5:08 pm

So no sketching? Shame, I liked that.
Yep, I much prefer the poem without the sketching, but see what others think. They may disagree.

Cheers,

Tristan

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Curiosity (v3)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Jan 31, 2020 3:05 pm

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Thanks Tristan.
Firebird wrote:
Wed Jan 29, 2020 5:08 pm
but see what others think
In the meantime ... 3b


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Re: Curiosity (v3b)

Post by Firebird » Fri Jan 31, 2020 8:40 pm

Hi Not, I think V3b nails it. My only nits are about punctuation. See below.

It’s sounding really good.

Cheers,

Tristan


NotQuiteSure wrote:
Fri Jan 17, 2020 12:14 pm
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v3b
Curiosity


In the holidays she observed the cat,
hidden by the rhododendron, shrinking
amongst dry, yellowy culms of goose grass.
She noted the incremental turning
of its head away from her: golden eyes,
pecked to sockets, closed up with soil. She saw
how it began to snarl, and found herself
smiling at each thin-lipped revelation:
the way the loose tongue hung like a shadow
of its last breath, white whiskers thistle-stiff. (maybe a dash instead of a comma in this line)
She watched but did not see the industry
of maggots, in its ruptured belly, burst
- black, and winged, and hungry for the world.
September, returned to school, she wrote, this (I much prefer the punctuation in v3 of this line)
summer I did scientific research.

__________________________________
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NotQuiteSure
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Re: Curiosity (v3b)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:21 am

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Hi Tristan,
thanks very much for returning.
I've switched that comma but I'll hang on to the other for a while longer,
give JJ's suggestion a fair hearing (as it were).


Regards, Not

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Re: Curiosity (v3b)

Post by capricorn » Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:09 pm

Hi Not,

V3b really does sound great - the best.

I do agree with JJ about yellowy though and don't feel it sounds quite right. Perhaps 'yellowing'.

Eira

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Re: Curiosity (v3b)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:48 am

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Hi Eira,
thanks, and thanks for returning.
I thought/think that 'yellowy' has a sense of movement to it (and it's not a word I'd normally use),
plus, if 'yellowing' then 'dry' becomes implied and ... more work! Aargh. Will ponder.

Regards, Not

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