Pilot-Light

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ton321
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Pilot-Light

Post by ton321 » Thu Jan 23, 2020 12:34 am

Revision

Its cobalt bud of flame
seemed as distant
as Pluto as I peered through
the window of the boiler-housing;

when seen from outer space
astronaughts view the blue planet afresh
and fall in love in again.

original


Its blue bud of flame
seemed as lonely and distant
as Pluto as I peered through
the window of the boiler-housing;

when it went out
as it frequently did,
I marveled at the aplomb
with which he re-lit it;

rehearsed, a kind of dance
that belied emergency;
nothing ever goes out
entirely.
Last edited by ton321 on Tue Jan 28, 2020 12:17 am, edited 3 times in total.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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Perry
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Re: Pilot-Light

Post by Perry » Thu Jan 23, 2020 5:40 am

ton321 wrote:
Thu Jan 23, 2020 12:34 am
Its blue bud of flame
seemed as lonely and distant
as Pluto as I peered through
the window of the boiler-housing;

when it went out
as it frequently did,
I marveled at the aplomb
with which he re-lit it;

rehearsed, a kind of dance
that belied emergency;
nothing ever goes out
entirely.
First, I'm putting this in the present tense just so you'll see how it reads. (I also altered the punctuation a little.)
I wonder if this isn't better?

Its blue bud of flame
seems as lonely and distant
as Pluto as I peer through
the window of the boiler-housing;

when it goes out,
as it frequently does,
I marvel at the aplomb
with which he re-lights it,

rehearsing a kind of dance
that belies emergency;
nothing ever goes out
entirely.

The million-dollar question is who "he" is in the eighth line -- you don't tell us, and it seems to me that that's important.

I also wonder at the conclusion. In real life, nothing ever stays lit forever, so I wonder if you might be drawing a false conclusion.

A pilot light seems like a pretty minor thing to be writing about, and that's another concern that I have about the poem. However, it does have a pleasant lilt and flow to it.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

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Poet
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Re: Pilot-Light

Post by Poet » Thu Jan 23, 2020 6:45 am

ton321 wrote:
Thu Jan 23, 2020 12:34 am
Its blue bud of flame
seemed as lonely and distant
as Pluto as I peered through
the window of the boiler-housing;

when it went out
as it frequently did,
I marveled at the aplomb
with which he re-lit it;

rehearsed, a kind of dance
that belied emergency;
nothing ever goes out
entirely.
Interesting, though it should be in present tense as that would read better.

Macavity
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Re: Pilot-Light

Post by Macavity » Thu Jan 23, 2020 9:40 pm

Enjoyed S1-S2, but S3 felt a bit nailed on message time.

best

mac

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Re: Pilot-Light

Post by tatterdemalion » Sat Jan 25, 2020 11:09 am

Hi ton, thought this was fun, begins with a clear image, not overwritten.
There are some things I'd cut, I'd lose the last two lines, they don't add much I thought.
I agree with Perry about ''he'', you need to introduce this person. I'd put his name in the title

''(Name) and the pilot light''

Its blue bud of flame
seemed lonely and distant I'd cut the first ''as''
as Pluto as I peered through
the window of the boiler-housing;

when it went out
as it frequently did,
I marvelled at the aplomb
with which he re-lit it;

rehearsed, a kind of dance
that belied emergency. ''belied'' bothers me here, it isn't fun enough, how about ''vetoed'' or ''gainsaid''?

ton321
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Re: Pilot-Light

Post by ton321 » Tue Jan 28, 2020 12:12 am

Thanks Perry, the poem is from a childs point of view, so I don't want to change it to the present tense, but can see how it might make it read a bit easier, more immediate, I suppose. Poet, Mac also thanks for having a look, suggestions. Tatt, I've altered a couple of things, thanks for the input
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

ray miller
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Re: Pilot-Light

Post by ray miller » Tue Jan 28, 2020 10:11 am

I'd suggest something like below, which endeavours to keep the best bits and put them in the right order. That sounds more cocky than it's meant to.
ton321 wrote:
Thu Jan 23, 2020 12:34 am
Revision

When it went out
as it frequently did,
I marveled at the aplomb
with which he re-lit it;

Its blue bud of flame
seemed as distant
as Pluto as I peered through
the window of the boiler-housing;

in outer space astronauts view
the blue planet afresh
and fall in love in again.

Nothing ever goes out
entirely.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Pilot-Light

Post by capricorn » Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:20 pm

Interesting poem. I like Ray's suggestions for improvement.

There is something about 'bud of flame that doesn't sound right (to me) how about

Blue bud-like flame

Eira

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