Beyond the Page (v3)

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Firebird
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Beyond the Page (v3)

Post by Firebird » Sat Jan 25, 2020 11:05 pm

V3

The trick
is to see through
the snowy expanse,

and to pen some lines
that remain
when the snow has melted.


V2

The trick
is to see through
the snowy expanse,

and to pen some lines
that still remain
when the snow has melted.



V1

The trick
is to see through
the snowy expanses,

and to pen some lines
that still remain
when the snow has melted.

Macavity
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Re: Unless you’re writing about the page

Post by Macavity » Sun Jan 26, 2020 12:40 am

I like the use of expanses here Tristan because of the contrast with the succinct form. The focus and specifics define value. Not that smooth, blanket of general impression.

best

mac
Last edited by Macavity on Sun Jan 26, 2020 11:43 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Unless you’re writing about the page

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Jan 26, 2020 11:29 am

.
Hi Tristan,
just minor niggles.

should it be 'beyond' rather than 'through'?
those snowy expanses or the snowy expanse ?
cut 'and' and 'some' from L4?
(tentatively, when the snows melt ?)


Regards, Not


.

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Re: Unless you’re writing about the page

Post by Jackie » Sun Jan 26, 2020 2:10 pm

Tristan, I like that you distinguish the two-fold task of writing, and connect them with the properties of snow: it obscures clear vision, it's expansive, and the excitement of it melts away, leaving you with who you are.

So thoughtful.
Jackie

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Re: Unless you’re writing about the page

Post by Firebird » Sun Jan 26, 2020 7:22 pm

Hi Mac, Not and Jackie. Many thanks for the comments.

Mac, I’m pleased you like the expanses/brevity contrast.

Not, I thought about ‘beyond’ but settled for ‘through’, mainly because it is literally correct to say ‘see through the snow’; if it were ‘beyond’ it may mean somewhere where it hadn’t snowed at all. You are right in a way though, as it is ‘beyond’ the page, which the snow is a metaphor for. There’s a slight lack of symmetry here in the metaphor, but I think I can live with it.

I think you are right about ‘expanse’, and will make the change.

I’m not keep on losing ‘and’ and ‘some’ because the line sounds stilted without them. And I like the rhythm of the final line.

Jackie, really pleased you like it and found it a thoughtful read.

Cheers All,

Tristan

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Re: Unless you’re writing about the page

Post by ray miller » Tue Jan 28, 2020 11:17 am

I like the drift of the poem, but I don't get the title.
that still remain - "still" is redundant, I think.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Unless you’re writing about the page

Post by Firebird » Wed Jan 29, 2020 12:53 pm

ray miller wrote:
Tue Jan 28, 2020 11:17 am
I like the drift of the poem, but I don't get the title.
The snow is the page, so I suppose this is a poem about writing and the blank page, not what is beneath/beyond the page which most poems are about. So, in theory, this poem works unless you are writing about the page itself. The page can’t be beyond itself can it?

‘Still’ will be removed.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Unless you’re writing about the page

Post by Macavity » Fri Jan 31, 2020 4:53 pm

Hi Tristan,
If the snow is the page, then the page melts in the sense that it is no longer a white expanse, but defined by those penned lines. My mind is stuck on the fact that snow unfreezes to water, a transformation, but the page is still the page. Perhaps I am being too literal minded and it is the perception of the written/unwritten page that registers (though maybe I am tangling myself in what makes the page relevant).

best

mac

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Re: Unless you’re writing about the page

Post by Firebird » Fri Jan 31, 2020 7:58 pm

Macavity wrote:
Fri Jan 31, 2020 4:53 pm
Hi Tristan,
If the snow is the page, then the page melts in the sense that it is no longer a white expanse, but defined by those penned lines. My mind is stuck on the fact that snow unfreezes to water, a transformation, but the page is still the page. Perhaps I am being too literal minded and it is the perception of the written/unwritten page that registers (though maybe I am tangling myself in what makes the page relevant).
Hi Mac,

Thanks for returning. My intention in the first stanza was for the snow to act a metaphor for the page in the sense that with both you have to imagine what lies beyond/beneath them. My intention in the second stanza was to use the snow metaphor in a different way: the lines have now been penned, but will they ring true beyond the page (the snow melting away) when they are read either out loud or in the mind of another reader. The page melts away when the poem becomes sound, is memorised, or the words are internalised in the mind of the reader.

You are excellent reader of my work Mac, so I suspect this isn’t working if you are struggling with it.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Re: Beyond the Page (v3)

Post by Macavity » Sat Feb 01, 2020 9:27 am

the lines have now been penned, but will they ring true beyond the page (the snow melting away) when they are read either out loud or in the mind of another reader. The page melts away when the poem becomes sound, is memorised, or the words are internalised in the mind of the reader.
I think the new title nails that intention.

best

mac

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