Found Him Again on Facebook(version 3)

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capricorn
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Found Him Again on Facebook(version 3)

Post by capricorn » Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:33 pm

Found you Again on Facebook (v3)

That college disco, the group sang
Let’s Dance. A feather-touch
on my shoulder and husky whisper

‘Dance with me?’ He was a sandy haired
Paul McCartney, his dark suit
enhanced with a narrow neon tie.

Can’t Take my Eyes off You. We jived
twisted, until the music slowed
- Sealed with a Kiss.

He fed me Black Magic, romance
only murmured because he wasn’t free.
The faded chocolate box still hides

his letters at the back of my wardrobe.
Now I struggle, to recognise any feature,
fifty years have fuzzed details of his face.

Beatle style is side brushed now, greying,
and The Way You Look Tonight -
is the image of my late grandpa.

Yet, he still has that captivating smile
that sets butterflies loose inside my ribcage –
like it is only Yesterday

My finger hovers over friend request –
would he remember or even recognise me?
Perhaps it’s best to Let it Be

---------------------------------------------------------
Found Him Again on Facebook(version2)

That college disco, the group sang
Let’s Dance. A feather-touch
on her shoulder and husky whisper

Dance with me? He was a sandy haired
Paul McCartney, his dark suit
enhanced with a narrow neon tie.

Can’t Take my Eyes off You They jived
twisted, eyes writing love notes until
the music slowed - Sealed with a Kiss.

He fed her Black Magic, hungry lips
mouthing frisky fingertips. Romance
only murmured - he wasn’t free.

The faded chocolate box still hides
his letters at the back of her wardrobe.
Now she struggles, to recognise any feature

fifty years have fuzzed details of his face.
Beatle cut is side brushed now, greying.
He looks the image of her late grandpa

- elderly, spectacled with a paunch.
She won’t send a friend request,
He might not remember her anyway.

-----------------------------------------------
Found Him Again on Facebook

A feather-touch on her shoulder
and husky whisper - like to dance?
They twisted, jived, eyes writing love-notes.

He fed her Black Magic, hungry lips mouthing
frisky fingertips. The faded box still hides
his letters at the back of her wardrobe.

He was a sandy-haired Paul McCartney,
Beatle cut is side brushed now, greying.
She squints, struggling to recognise any feature,

fifty years has fuzzed details of his face.
He looks so much like her late grandpa,
an aging, spectacled man, with a paunch.

----------------------------------------------------
I have deleted this last stanza

Logging out she shuts down,
limps away - her crumpled image
caught in the mirror.
Last edited by capricorn on Mon Feb 24, 2020 11:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Found Him Again on Facebook

Post by Poet » Sun Feb 02, 2020 7:24 am

Punch is spelt wrong, was that your intention Capricorn? Anyway great poem. My critique is that the five senses were not present and you should repair this poem with some smell, and you know what I mean next.

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Re: Found Him Again on Facebook

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:50 am

.
Hi Eira,
not sure how the title holds up without the final stanza (or some version of it).

I think s3 and s4 are strong (though, if 'grandpa' do you need 'aging'? And the
final line isn't pulling its paunch, I mean weight) but s1 and s2 seem a little rushed.

Some cut and paste suggestions ...


A feather-touch on her shoulder
his husky whisper - like to dance?

a sandy-haired Paul McCartney,
he fed her hungry lips Black Magic

she remembers frisky fingertips.
at the back of her wardrobe

the faded box still hides his letters
She struggles to recognise any feature,

squints, fifty years has fuzzed so many details
He looks the spit of her late grandpa, she thinks.

His Beatle cut is side combed/parted now,
a grey, spectacled man, with a paunch.



----------------------------------------------------

I have deleted this last stanza

Logging out she shuts down,
limps away - her crumpled image
caught in the mirror.

I don't think you need 'her crumpled image' but perhaps a reference
to whatever the song was they danced to, or a Beatles lyric?



Regards, Not


.

ray miller
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Re: Found Him Again on Facebook

Post by ray miller » Sun Feb 02, 2020 12:00 pm

I'd keep the stanza you discarded, or some version of it anyway.

She turns him off, shutting down, - something like that
limps away - her crumpled image
caught in the mirror. - last line is a bit well-worn

You could say something about the respective statuses - is that a word?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

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Re: Found Him Again on Facebook

Post by tatterdemalion » Mon Feb 03, 2020 2:56 pm

Hi Capricorn, this is what I'd keep. Any changes are in blue.

A feather-touch on her shoulder
his husky whisper - like to dance?
They twisted, jived.

He fed her Black Magic, lips mouthing
frisky fingertips. The faded box hides
his letters at the back of her wardrobe.

A sandy-haired Paul McCartney,
Beatle cut is side brushed now, greying.
She squints, struggling to recognise any feature,

fifty years have fuzzed his face.
He looks so much like her late grandpa.

There is a playfulness in these lines. I agree with Not, I wouldn't include the deleted stanza, it brings down the mood.

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Re: Found Him Again on Facebook

Post by bjondon » Tue Feb 04, 2020 7:39 pm

Hi Eira - for me the most real part is the lost stanza.
It's right in the present and carries with it some of
the breathless trauma of the computer session -
and then the memories bloom outwards, half consoling,
half haunting.
So I'd consider beginning with that.
And maybe 'there' instead of 'caught'.

Jules

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Re: Found Him Again on Facebook

Post by JJWilliamson » Sat Feb 08, 2020 3:39 pm

Yes, keep that last strophe, Eira. I've hummed and harred but have finally come round to keeping it.
capricorn wrote:
Sat Feb 01, 2020 11:33 pm
Found Him Again on Facebook

A feather-touch on her shoulder
and husky whisper - like to dance?
They twisted, jived, eyes writing love-notes.

He fed her Black Magic, hungry lips mouthing
frisky fingertips. The faded box still hides ...Can finger tips be frisky? I wondered about "warm".
his letters at the back of her wardrobe.

He was a sandy-haired Paul McCartney,
Beatle cut is side brushed now, greying.
She squints, struggling to recognise any feature,

fifty years has fuzzed details of his face. ...Maybe, and I mean maybe had instead of has.
He looks so much like her late grandpa,
an aging, spectacled man, with a paunch. ...Old perhaps. Not all grandpa's are old. My friend was a grandpa at 43. Aaaaargh!! :)

Much enjoyed

JJ
----------------------------------------------------
I have deleted this last stanza

Logging out she shuts down,
limps away - her crumpled image
caught in the mirror.
Long time a child and still a child

capricorn
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Re: Found Him Again on Facebook(version 2)

Post by capricorn » Mon Feb 10, 2020 4:49 pm

Sorry to be late replying- you have given me a wealth of suggestions. One thing seems sure, that deleted stanza needs to stay in some form.
I have written another version - more detailed. (I found the very long original under another name and added some details from that)

Poet -I meant Paunch not punch. Interesting ideas about adding a smell. Thinking on that one.

Not - You said St 1&2 seemed a bit rushed, so I've added more details.

Ray - you are quite right about the ending stanza, it needed to stay in some way.

Tatter - Thank you for some useful thoughts

Jules - Yes, the last stanza needed to stay. I have rewritten it with more detail and the ending is a bit different now.

JJ -yes, it wasn't finished without the ending. I've rewritten the ending slightly -hope it works.

Thanks everyone
Eira

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