At The Thunder House

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Poet
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At The Thunder House

Post by Poet » Thu Feb 20, 2020 7:19 am

There was sound being played at the Thunder House
Guitars guitar, drums drumming, singers singing, the
bass bass! There was sound being played at the Thunder house
It never seemed to end
The playing continued on in the house, the smell of burning rubber
filled their noses, the house was struck with love all around
And the house was being assailed with sound!
There was a band playing and there names were the Treble Kids
They loved to rock out to metal tunes, they had catchy lyrics
And catchy riffs, not to mention they loved to perform all around
The Thunder House was packed with people
The garage was out of this world, with outer space themed shapes
And thunder strikes, the Treble Kids loved to impress the girls
As they continued their playing at the Thunder House
Last edited by Poet on Fri Feb 21, 2020 9:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: At The Thunder House

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri Feb 21, 2020 3:52 pm

.
Hi Poet,
I think your layout is working against you, there should be rhythm and movement (given the subject) but it all feels very static.
Is 'the house' the same as 'the Thunder House'? I couldn't tell.
If drums drum and singers sing, then really guitars should guitar and the bass bass :)

Just a thought ...

There was sound being played at the Thunder House
where The Treble Kids played was the Thunder House
[Not] The garage [but] out of this world, outer space
themed shapes And thunder strikes ....


Regards, Not


.

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Re: At The Thunder House

Post by Poet » Fri Feb 21, 2020 9:17 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Fri Feb 21, 2020 3:52 pm
.
Hi Poet,
I think your layout is working against you, there should be rhythm and movement (given the subject) but it all feels very static.
Is 'the house' the same as 'the Thunder House'? I couldn't tell.
If drums drum and singers sing, then really guitars should guitar and the bass bass :)

Just a thought ...

There was sound being played at the Thunder House
where The Treble Kids played was the Thunder House
[Not] The garage [but] out of this world, outer space
themed shapes And thunder strikes ....


Regards, Not


.
Yeah the house is the same as the Thunder House, and thanks for your opinion on this presentation, do you think I should rewrite this poem?

NotQuiteSure
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Re: At The Thunder House

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Feb 22, 2020 11:57 am

.
Hi Poet.
Poet wrote:
Fri Feb 21, 2020 9:17 pm
do you think I should rewrite this poem?
If it does what you want, and how you want, then no. If not, yes :)

That said, if you do rewrite it you're not committed to keeping the new(er) version, and there's always a chance you discover something you missed first time around. I suppose my question to you is, what do you have to lose?

Regards, Not


.

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