An exchange

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ton321
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An exchange

Post by ton321 » Sat Apr 11, 2020 12:07 am

Revision 2


Some mornings I gave
the birds lardons and tidbits,
old pobs and sweetmeats;

in return the crows
would give as good as they got,
all the shiny things,

the old fashioned milk
bottle tops, silver and gold,
pennies in a pile,

knowing I would be dazzled.


revision

I ventured into
their world, the awful clamour,
and raptor-faces.

Some mornings I gave
the crows lardons and tidbits,
old pobs and sweetmeats;


in return they dropped
polished pieces of metal,
pennies in a pile,

knowing I would be dazzled.



Original

I ventured into
their world, the awful clamour,
and raptor-faces.

Some mornings I gave
the crows lardons and tidbits
in the back-garden;

in return they dropped
polished pieces of metal,
pennies in a pile,

knowing I would be dazzled.
Last edited by ton321 on Wed Apr 15, 2020 11:57 pm, edited 8 times in total.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

Macavity
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Re: Birds

Post by Macavity » Sat Apr 11, 2020 5:43 am

hi Tony

Like how the birdie exchange shows their knowledge, contempt, for us.

I thought raptors were birds of prey?

best

mac

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Birds

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat Apr 11, 2020 10:50 am

.
Hi Tony,
like the ending, but I've reservations about raptor-faces as well (would 'saurian' work?)
(Quite a few 'ins' for in such a small space!)

Wondered if it might be trimmed a bit ...

Crows

Some mornings I ventured
into their awful clamour,
give them lardons, tidbits.

In turn they drop pennies
shiny metal objects, gewgaws
in the back garden

knowing I will be dazzled.


Regards, Not


.

ton321
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Re: Birds

Post by ton321 » Sun Apr 12, 2020 12:49 am

Hi Mac, Not,

Thanks for the feedback. I think all birds originate from dinosaurs, hence raptor, not just birds of prey. Also i can't condense further, because the piece is a set in the form of 3 haikus, of 5, 7, 5, syllables, with the last line of seven syllables. It was just a story i read about about someone who had actually fed crows, and they dropped shiny pieces of metal in the same place where the food had been, even coins,
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

TrevorConway
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Re: Feeding the Crows

Post by TrevorConway » Sun Apr 12, 2020 12:31 pm

Hey Tony,

I like this a lot. It feels quite complete, which can be difficult to achieve with such a short poem, I think. My first impression was that the only change that might improve it was removing the comma after "clamour". On repeated reading, a few more suggestions came to mind, mainly for the first half of the poem. I didn't think you needed to mention "the crows" directly, because of the title of the poem. On that, how about just "Feeding Crows" as a title? Suggestions/changes given below. Hope it's of some help.


I [ventured into: could be improved with a more visual idea/less familiar phrase]
their world, the awful clamour[, : remove comma]
and raptor-faces.

Some mornings[,] I [gave them: either this or change it to some synonym/image/metaphor equivalent to "offered" or "presented"? Could then delete "them"]
lardons and tidbits,
old pobs and sweetmeats;


in return[,] they dropped
polished pieces of metal,
pennies in a pile,

knowing I would be dazzled.

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Re: Feeding the Crows

Post by Firebird » Sun Apr 12, 2020 8:21 pm

Hi Tony,

I really like the irony at the end of this poem. It works very well, indeed.

I wouldn’t worry too much about sticking to the 5/7/5 haiku form, as amongst most serious haiku practitioner who write in English at present it is considered trite and a misrepresentation of what haiku should translate into in English and as such is pretty much dead. Therefore, I agree with Not, it could be tightened a little, especially in s2.

Much enjoyed.

Cheers,

Tristan
ton321 wrote:
Sat Apr 11, 2020 12:07 am
revision

I ventured into
their world, the awful clamour,
and raptor-faces.

Some mornings I gave
the crows lardons and tidbits,
old pobs and sweetmeats;


in return they dropped
polished pieces of metal,
pennies in a pile,

knowing I would be dazzled.



Original

I ventured into
their world, the awful clamour,
and raptor-faces.

Some mornings I gave
the crows lardons and tidbits
in the back-garden;

in return they dropped
polished pieces of metal,
pennies in a pile,

knowing I would be dazzled.

Richard
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Re: Feeding the Crows

Post by Richard » Mon Apr 13, 2020 10:48 am

I see what you say about s1 Tony, but it doesn’t work for me I am afraid. Liked the end a lot. R

ton321
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Re: An exchange

Post by ton321 » Wed Apr 15, 2020 11:53 pm

Trevor thanks for the feedback, decided to change the first stanza, and the title. Also thanks for the suggestions, very helpful.
Not, I'm no expert on haiku, but the inspiration has been reading George Szirtes efforts on Instagram, which follow the same pattern, mainly as an exercise in form, and trying something different. Thanks for the comments Richard.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

ray miller
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Re: An exchange

Post by ray miller » Thu Apr 16, 2020 7:19 am

What's a pob? I didn't know what a lardon was either, but I found that in the dictionary. Now I've discovered a word that rhymes with hard-on I know I shan't rest until I've used them in a poem.
I like the original opening verse, gives a bit of sinister to the poem. On the other hand, I'd prefer "thinking I'd be dazzled" as the last line, like they were making an effort to please.
I must confess, on first reading I thought it was another poem about coronavirus - how the crows were lording it and the return of the milk deliveries. How sad am I?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.

ton321
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Re: An exchange

Post by ton321 » Thu Apr 16, 2020 11:05 pm

Hi Ray, thanks for the comments, : :lol: ,. There's no excuse for not using "hard on" in your next piece, now !
Every alteration in a piece seems to please some, but not others, but thanks for your response, much appreciated.
"Thinking I'd be dazzled" is 6 beats, not the requisite 7 to fit the form, but thanks for the nuance-shift.
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

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