Encounter.

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
ton321
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 12:54 am

Encounter.

Post by ton321 » Wed Apr 22, 2020 1:49 am

Revision 1

The Pink moon

is just a full moon,
named after a wild flower
in America.

It slips through the gap
in the curtains, anyway,
the nights currency,

silver, to our eyes.
But I might be colour blind,
and it might be pink.

This is how money is spent.


Revision

Silently, slowly,
the full moon tip toes through the
gap in the curtains

while I am reading.
I put down my book and look.
Just another coin.

The nights currency
in small denominations,
always spendable-

nothing that would get me mugged.





Original

in the dead of night
the pink moon tip toes through the
gap in the curtains,

almost uncertain,
a silver coin in its slot,
in its own dream-time,

sweet-time, it passes,
giving me a smiling look,
hands behind its back,

showing me its one true face.
Last edited by ton321 on Sun May 03, 2020 11:54 pm, edited 10 times in total.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2006
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: Pink-Moon

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Apr 22, 2020 1:16 pm

.
Hi Tony,
I think the biggest weakness is the opening line (though the title isn't doing much). It has something of the 'it was a dark and stormy night' about it. There's a rhythm there (I think) that comes and goes, maybe it should stay?

(If the moon is pink, why is the coin silver?)


Just a thought ...


the pink moon tip toes
through the only gap
in the curtains,
almost uncertain,
a silver coin
in a thin slot,
slipping in

its own sweet-time,
dream-time, passing
by me, stops me,
giving me
a smile, a look,

the pink moon
hands behind
its back,
shows me
its one true face
and leaves.


Regards, Not


.

TrevorConway
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 146
Joined: Mon Mar 09, 2020 10:09 am

Re: Pink-Moon

Post by TrevorConway » Wed Apr 22, 2020 8:41 pm

Hi Tony,

I definitely agree with Not here about ditching the first line, and the idea of "in its own sweet time" feels too familiar as well, I think.

I didn't really buy the idea of the moon/moonlight coming in and doing all this. Maybe it's because the moon and moonlight seem like very still things, unlike, say, TS Eliot's fog that rubs its back on the window panes, which somehow lends itself more to animation/movement, if that makes any sense.

I guess if it was stated at the beginning that the speaker is half-dreaming, etc., the moon's activity would sit easier. Or if it was the speaker who was tiptoeing to the curtain, almost uncertain, etc., I'd be with this poem a bit more, I think.

Hope the feedback helps in some way anyway,

T
ton321 wrote:
Wed Apr 22, 2020 1:49 am
in the dead of night
the pink moon tip toes through the
gap in the curtains,

almost uncertain,
a silver coin in its slot,
in its own dream-time,

sweet-time, it passes,
giving me a smiling look,
hands behind its back,

showing me its one true face.

David
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 13716
Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2006 4:40 pm
Location: Ellan Vannin

Re: Pink-Moon

Post by David » Thu Apr 23, 2020 4:59 pm

Hi Tony. I think the image of the moonlight coming through the chink in the curtains like a silver coin into a slot is a great one. I suppose there is a problem in that it is the moonlight coming in but the moon itself that visibly resembles a coin, but the image still works for me.

I don't mind the first line. It's like a stage direction. I could happily do without "sweet-time", which seems like unnecessary embroidery.

Also wondering about this coin with hands.

But I like the last line, and I think the image at the heart of the poem is strong enough to sustain the whole thing. Just.

I like it.

Cheers

David

penguin
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 241
Joined: Sat Feb 27, 2010 1:17 pm

Re: Pink-Moon

Post by penguin » Fri Apr 24, 2020 9:31 am

Lines 2-6 are fine, the rest doesn't move me much. Calling the poem pink-moon and then referring only to its silveriness seems rather perverse.
Tiptoes - one word, I think.

ton321
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 12:54 am

Re: Always showing its one true face.

Post by ton321 » Sun Apr 26, 2020 12:27 am

Not, I know I'm supposed to know that that the first line of the original sounds like the opening to another poem, but I don't know, actually. I've changed it anyway. Trevor its more of a snapshot, than an action-take, but thanks for the comments. David, thanks for the comments, I've kept the heart of the piece, glad you recognised it. Penguin -thanks for stopping by.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2006
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: Encounter.

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Apr 26, 2020 3:08 pm

.
Hi Tony,
seems less a revision and more a companion piece.
Not keen on the opening line (doesn't do much for me) and not certain about the ending.
Is it a 'mugging' if it's indoors? But that's a niggardly niggle.
I do like the 'night's currency' (you're missing the possessive apostrophe there) and the
idea that it's 'spendable'. That said I think S3 seems awkward.

Perhaps a slight re-ordering?


while I am reading.

a furtive moon
rolls through the
gap in the curtains

Just another coin.

The nights currency
in small denominations,
always spendable-

I put down my book.
- nothing
that would get me mugged.


I know it won't help, but ... I like both and would suggest keeping them as separate
pieces in their own right.


Regards, Not



.

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3299
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Encounter.

Post by JJWilliamson » Sat May 02, 2020 9:33 am

What a dilemma. I like both versions, Tony.

The others have all made some fine comments, ones I found myself nodding to.
I miss the coin/slot reference and agree about the mugging aspect.

Some thoughts for your perusal:

ton321 wrote:
Wed Apr 22, 2020 1:49 am
Revision

Silently, slowly, ...Not bad but we all know the moon is silent and slow. How about dropping your silver coin
through the slot as your opening hook?
the full moon tip toes through the
gap in the curtains

while I am reading.
I put down my book and look. ..."I put my book down"? -- Not sure if it matters, grammatically speaking, but it sounds right to my ear.
Just another coin.

The nights currency
in small denominations,
always spendable-

nothing that would get me mugged. ..."Nothing that would worry me" ---something like that.


Enjoyed

JJ




Original

in the dead of night
the pink moon tip toes through the
gap in the curtains,

almost uncertain,
a silver coin in its slot,
in its own dream-time,

sweet-time, it passes,
giving me a smiling look,
hands behind its back,

showing me its one true face.
Long time a child and still a child

ton321
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 429
Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 12:54 am

Re: Encounter.

Post by ton321 » Sun May 03, 2020 11:59 pm

Thanks Not, JJ, for your comments. This piece feels like it could have dozens of variations/iterations, but I appreciate your suggestions,
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

Franklinsun
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Apr 30, 2020 8:31 am

Re: Encounter.

Post by Franklinsun » Mon May 04, 2020 7:26 am

Hello, Tony.

Normally I wouldn't ask this sort of thing, but since there's already been some back and forth about the edits of this poem being variations rather than strictly linear versions, I thought I'd ask. I feel like the poem marked revision is the best version out of the three, and I have some thoughts about working on that version. Would you like those thoughts? I totally understand if not, and in any case I'll have a think about suggestions for the poem marked edit one.

Cheers!

Francis.

Post Reply