Dandelion (V4)

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
User avatar
Firebird
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2291
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Dandelion (V4)

Post by Firebird » Sat Apr 25, 2020 5:49 pm

V5

No flower flatters as much
when stretching out its petals.

I’d love to do for you
more than this morning sun.


V4

No flower flatters as much
when stretching out its petals.

How envious am I
of this morning sun.


V3

No flower flatters as much
when stretching out its petals.

I’d love to do to you
what the sun does to the dandelion.


V2

No flower flatters as much
when stretching out its petals.

Why can’t I do for you
what this morning sun does.


V1

No flower flatters as much
when stretching out its petals.

I’d like to do for you
what this morning sun does.

TrevorConway
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 146
Joined: Mon Mar 09, 2020 10:09 am

Re: Dandelion

Post by TrevorConway » Sat Apr 25, 2020 6:34 pm

Hey Tristan,

How about twisting it a bit at the start

No flower flatters
so much as you,
stretching your petals to the morning.

then taking it off in another direction if you like (though maybe it also works as a very short poem; not sure, but definitely worth considering other avenues to go down, I think, maybe giving a sense of the "you" and the relationship with him/her).

T

NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2006
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: Dandelion

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun Apr 26, 2020 3:18 pm

.
Hi Tristan,
s1 is excellent, but s2 doesn't rise to meet it (not enough romance in the language, for me).
I like the idea of being envious of the sun (and the title).

Regards, Not

.

Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5855
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Dandelion (V3)

Post by Macavity » Tue Apr 28, 2020 8:36 am

hi Tristan,

I found V3 too emphatic in the second couplet. I'm not sure do is too 'earthly' or just too ordinary a verb (whereas flatters delivers)
No flower flatters as much
when stretching out its petals.

I’d like/love to bring/gift/give to you
what this morning sun brings/gifts/gives.
I liked the moment/immediacy of this morning.

best

mac

NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2006
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: Dandelion (V3)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Apr 28, 2020 10:45 am

.
Hi Tristan, the problem persists, and I agree with mac about v3/s2.

How about

No flower flatters as much
as when you stretch out your petals.

How envious I am
of this morning sun.


?

Regards, Not


.

User avatar
Firebird
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2291
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: Dandelion (V3)

Post by Firebird » Tue Apr 28, 2020 12:42 pm

Thanks Mac for the suggestions. Unfortunately, however much I play around with them, I can’t quite get them to work in the way I want. The sound it’s quite like.

Not, I really like your suggested second stanza and may well use it. The sound/tone is right.

Cheers both,

Tristan

NotQuiteSure
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2006
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm

Re: Dandelion (V4)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Tue Apr 28, 2020 1:44 pm

.
Hi Tristan,
not quite sure about the inversion 'am I' but other than that I think this one hits the right note. It reads well. (Would changing 'this' for 'the' help or hinder?)

Regards, Not.

.

Macavity
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 5855
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Re: Dandelion (V4)

Post by Macavity » Tue Apr 28, 2020 2:19 pm

Thumbs up on v4. Telly, but I like the 'v' sound and verbs are more difficult to pitch.

best

mac

TrevorConway
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 146
Joined: Mon Mar 09, 2020 10:09 am

Re: Dandelion (V4)

Post by TrevorConway » Tue Apr 28, 2020 3:04 pm

I actually prefer the ending of V1. Would this work at all for you?

I'd love to do for you
more than the morning sun.
Firebird wrote:
Sat Apr 25, 2020 5:49 pm
V4

No flower flatters as much
when stretching out its petals.

How envious am I
of this morning sun.


V3

No flower flatters as much
when stretching out its petals.

I’d love to do to you
what the sun does to the dandelion.


V2

No flower flatters as much
when stretching out its petals.

Why can’t I do for you
what this morning sun does.


V1

No flower flatters as much
when stretching out its petals.

I’d like to do for you
what this morning sun does.

User avatar
Firebird
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2291
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: Dandelion (V4)

Post by Firebird » Tue Apr 28, 2020 4:38 pm

Hi Trev,

I think I agree with you. The poem seems to have lost its soul, if it ever had one :D .

I quite like you option. But I think I am heading towards
No flower flatters as much
when stretching out its petals.

I’d love to do for you
what this morning sun does.
Thanks for pulling me back.

Cheers,

Tristan

TrevorConway
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 146
Joined: Mon Mar 09, 2020 10:09 am

Re: Dandelion (V4)

Post by TrevorConway » Tue Apr 28, 2020 8:40 pm

No bother, Tristan. It's easy to get pulled off in other directions that seem good for a while, but it's necessary to the undo button on the odd occasion. I find ending on "does" a bit weak, but it's a better ending than V3 and V4.

Good luck with it,

T
Firebird wrote:
Tue Apr 28, 2020 4:38 pm
Hi Trev,

I think I agree with you. The poem seems to have lost its soul, if it ever had one :D .

I quite like you option. But I think I am heading towards
No flower flatters as much
when stretching out its petals.

I’d love to do for you
what this morning sun does.
Thanks for pulling me back.

Cheers,

Tristan

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3299
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: Dandelion (V4)

Post by JJWilliamson » Thu Apr 30, 2020 9:08 am

It's the second strophe that counts with the first being the set up. My preference is V3. I think V5 is too suggestive, given the gentleness of the other versions. You could leave something for the reader EG only " When I hear you stir/ how envious I am of the morning sun".

Just a thought.

Enjoyed

Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

Post Reply