After

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
Post Reply
User avatar
Perry
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1012
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am

After

Post by Perry » Wed Apr 29, 2020 5:44 am

This is the part where we become friends
after the love has died; where kisses
turn to texts which trail off because
I am now someone she never misses —

unlike the days when she couldn’t live
without me. Perhaps I should be glad.
Friendship is a deeper kind of love,
or so I've heard. I miss what we had:

long nights of skin pressing warm skin,
becoming animals ‘til dawn.
But every night must end. Nothing lasts
forever, or even lasts for long.

But are we still friends? That is a thin
reed to cling to now it’s over.
I won’t learn to love her as a friend
until I find another lover.

Original ending:

I haven’t heard from her in nine days.
If I love her I must let her roam.
I won’t learn to love her as a friend
until my aching finds a new home.

-end-

Although I'm gay, I sometimes get tired of always representing the gay point of view in my love poems, so I wrote this from the perspective of a heterosexual male. Also, I thought it might help all you alpha males to appreciate it more.

My concern is primarily the bridge from stanzas 1 to 2.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

User avatar
Perry
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1012
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am

Re: After

Post by Perry » Sat May 02, 2020 8:07 pm

Given that no one has commented on this in 3-1/2 days, there must be something wrong with it; but I won't know what that is unless you tell me.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

User avatar
Firebird
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 2291
Joined: Tue May 21, 2013 9:46 pm

Re: After

Post by Firebird » Sun May 03, 2020 8:50 am

Hi Perry,

Generally I think it’s ok, but it’s all a bit too familiar/generic for me and dare I say it, unoriginal. I know what you mean about the ‘bridge‘ between s1 and s2 being a bit of a stumble, but I think it’s ok. Some specific comments below.

Cheers,

Tristan

Perry wrote:
Wed Apr 29, 2020 5:44 am
This is the part where we become friends
after the love has died; where kisses
turn to texts which trail off because
I am now someone she never misses —

unlike the days when she couldn’t live (could not?)
without me. Perhaps I should be glad. (‘Couldn’t live without her’ is a bit of a cliche)
Friendship is a deeper kind of love,
or so I've heard. I miss what we had: (‘what we had’ is fairly worn out language)

long nights of skin pressing warm skin,
becoming animals ‘til dawn. (strong two lines)
But every night must end. Nothing lasts
forever, or even lasts for long. (Strongest stanza for me)

But are we still friends? That is a thin
reed to cling to now it’s over.
I won’t learn to love her as a friend
until I find another lover. (This is fairly familiar territory, which doesn’t add much insight to this situation)

Original ending:

I haven’t heard from her in nine days.
If I love her I must let her roam.
I won’t learn to love her as a friend
until my aching finds a new home.

-end-

Although I'm gay, I sometimes get tired of always representing the gay point of view in my love poems, so I wrote this from the perspective of a heterosexual male. Also, I thought it might help all you alpha males to appreciate it more.

My concern is primarily the bridge from stanzas 1 to 2.

User avatar
JJWilliamson
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3299
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am

Re: After

Post by JJWilliamson » Sun May 03, 2020 10:54 am

I find myself agreeing with Tristan, Perry.

The first three lines are a good hook in my opinion but it trails off into the mundane after that. It's a pleasant enough read
and I wasn't bored, finding the questions interesting.

I also wondered if you were going for some kind of meter. It seems to read well from a rhythmical pov and the rhymes
are fine, unforced and believable, but I did study your meter. L4, for example, is perfect iambic pentameter with
a headless first foot and a feminine end. You appear to going for IP all the way and I've left a couple of examples
but will say more when I know what your intent was. Tricky one, this.
Perry wrote:
Wed Apr 29, 2020 5:44 am
This is the part where we become friends ...I get a couple of scans out of this line. Are you stressing 'we'? I did and ended up with two stresses on beCOME FRIENDS.
after the love has died; where kisses
turn to texts which trail off because
I am now someone she never misses —

unlike the days when she couldn’t live ...Nice troche in the third foot. Good IP
without me. Perhaps I should be glad.
Friendship is a deeper kind of love,
or so I've heard. I miss what we had:

long nights of skin pressing warm skin,
becoming animals ‘til dawn.
But every night must end. Nothing lasts
forever, or even lasts for long.

But are we still friends? That is a thin
reed to cling to now it’s over.
I won’t learn to love her as a friend
until I find another lover.

Original ending:

I haven’t heard from her in nine days.
If I love her I must let her roam.
I won’t learn to love her as a friend
until my aching finds a new home.

-end-
Best

JJ
Long time a child and still a child

User avatar
Perry
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 1012
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am

Re: After

Post by Perry » Sun May 03, 2020 10:06 pm

Tristan and JJ, thank you for your feedback. You gave me what I needed. I do think that these things have been said before.

I can't say more because I'm trying to fix a computer problem. Thanks again.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.

User avatar
lotus
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 390
Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2016 3:29 am

Re: After

Post by lotus » Wed May 13, 2020 5:20 pm

Perry wrote:
Wed Apr 29, 2020 5:44 am


Although I'm gay, I sometimes get tired of always representing the gay point of view in my love poems, so I wrote this from the perspective of a heterosexual male. Also, I thought it might help all you alpha males to appreciate it more.

dear Perry

i find using "she" in poems speaks of feminine energy
rather than masculine energy
and has more to do with sensitivity than sexuality
and that a "she" or a "he" is not any specific person

i would enjoy to hear this poem spoken
in a so called romance language i.e. Spanish, French ,Italian

a warm smile
silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

capricorn
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 195
Joined: Wed Oct 03, 2018 10:49 pm
Location: Birmingham UK

Re: After

Post by capricorn » Fri May 15, 2020 4:24 pm

Hi Perry,

I am wondering what this might sound like if' 'she' was changed to 'you' so it would be addressed directly to the person. Also, 'you' could then be female or 'male'

Eira

Pauline
Preponderant Poster
Preponderant Poster
Posts: 947
Joined: Mon Oct 26, 2009 10:30 pm
antispam: no

Re: After

Post by Pauline » Fri May 15, 2020 11:30 pm

Perry. If you keep this in the first person, I feel it's a much stronger piece.

Is the part where we become friends?
After the love has died and our kisses
turn to texts which trail off because
I am now someone you never miss.

I remember the days you couldn’t live
without me. Perhaps I should be glad.
Friendship is a deeper kind of love.
Or so I've heard. I miss what we had.

Long nights of skin pressing warm skin.
Becoming animals ‘til dawn.
But every night must end. Nothing lasts
forever, or even lasts for long.

But are we still friends? That’s a thin
reed to cling to now it’s over.
I won’t learn to love you as a friend
until I find another lover.

I Love this.
Every single word.

One of your best for me.
Thanks for sharing. :D

Post Reply