Vital Signs (v2)

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NotQuiteSure
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Vital Signs (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Apr 29, 2020 11:48 am

.
v2
Vital Signs


I'll know that the lockdown's over
when the managing directors
of all the supermarkets
who have been keeping me informed
announce the end of rationing
by email. I've missed frozen spinach
(special offers, and the culture war).

I'll know that the lockdown's over
when they backfill the roadworks
that silence dug along our street
and in which I think I hear the sounds
of my childhood.

I'll know that the lockdown's over
when the black death, once again,
billows up from gutters, croaks
forty thousand statistics,
just background noise, pollution:
keep the engines
of the economy turning
.

I'll know that the lockdown's over
when former newspapers (you know
which ones) return to victim blaming,
and campaigns for a medal
occupy front pages, displacing
calls for a decent wage. How can they
think of striking at a time like this?
Don't they know Poverty is a Vocation
.

I'll know that the lockdown's over
when the Public Inquiry absolves
The Government: concluding
it would not have been possible
for them to foresee ... all reason-
able steps were taken
. I know it
will be over when the small print
obituary for Brexit Unicorns (extinct,
casualties of covid),
passes unnoticed.

I'll know that the lockdown's over
when the old "normal" is unmasked
and found to be in quite rude health.


_____________



Vital Signs


I'll know that the lock-down's over
when the managing directors
of all the supermarkets
who have been keeping me informed
announce the end of rationing
by email. I've missed frozen spinach
(special offers, and the culture war).

I'll know that the lock-down's over
when they backfill
the archaeological excavation
of silence in which I heard
the sounds of my childhood
loud as birdsong and clapping
on a Thursday.

I'll know that the lock-down's over
when the black death emerges
from the gutters once again
and forty thousand statistics
are background noise, air pollution:
we must keep the engines
of industry turning.


I'll know that the lock-down's over
when former newspapers
resume their victim blaming,
and campaigns for a medal
occupy front pages, displacing
demands for a decent wage.
How can they think of striking
at a time like this?
To quote
a billionaire: Poverty,
is a vocation.


I'll know that the lock-down's over
when the public inquiry absolves
the government: concluding
it would not have been possible
for them to foresee ... all reason-
able steps were taken. I'll know it
when the small print obituary
for Brexit Unicorns (extinct,
due to covid),
passes unnoticed.

I'll know that the lock-down's over
When the old "normal" is unmasked
and found to be in quite rude health.




.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Wed Apr 29, 2020 6:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Macavity
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Re: Vital Signs

Post by Macavity » Wed Apr 29, 2020 12:50 pm

Enjoyed the write Not. it hits a few targets.
of all the supermarkets
who have been keeping me informed
announce the end of rationing
by email.
Yes, definitely been an angle to advertise!
the archaeological excavation
Not sure about archaeological, takes me further back than childhood.

I thought you might have the science says in there somewhere...along with the current model...of course, the scientists never change their 'theories' :)

It's over when those over-paid gods kick a ball!

cheers

mac

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Vital Signs

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Apr 29, 2020 4:46 pm

.
Hi mac,
thanks for the read and crit.
Macavity wrote:
Wed Apr 29, 2020 12:50 pm
archaeological, takes me further back than childhood.
depends how old you feel :)
Macavity wrote:
Wed Apr 29, 2020 12:50 pm
It's over when those over-paid gods kick a ball!
That's the problem, rather like the 'science' at the moment,
everyone's got their own metrics so I just tried to keep mine
down to a manageable/readable amount.


Regards, Not


PS. OK mac, has ditched archaeology, rev 2 up.


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1lankest
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Re: Vital Signs (v

Post by 1lankest » Wed Apr 29, 2020 8:23 pm

Greetings NOT. I’m surprised I knew my password!

I liked this very much, only I thought it got a little preachy and convoluted near the end.

This especially:

I'll know that the lockdown's over
when the Public Inquiry absolves
The Government: concluding
it would not have been possible
for them to foresee ... all reason-
able steps were taken. I know it
will be over when the small print
obituary for Brexit Unicorns (extinct,
casualties of covid), passes unnoticed.

Though perhaps that’s because I’m ambivalent towards the sentiments...
Who knows anything these days.
Loved S2 but thought you could ditch the line at the end of s1.
Still, really enjoyed this poem that confronted the elephant in the room with humour and elegance.

Luke

TrevorConway
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Re: Vital Signs (v2)

Post by TrevorConway » Wed Apr 29, 2020 8:31 pm

Hi Not,

I didn't really get the point of this poem/the thrust for writing it until I got to the last 3 verses, so I'll comment on those only, if you don't mind. I think the title works well, by the way.


I'll know that the lockdown's over
when newspapers
- you know which ones-
return to victim blaming,
when campaigns for medals occupy front pages,
displacing calls for a decent wage
and the small-print obituary for Brexit Unicorns
(extinct casualties of covid)

passes unnoticed.


I'll know it's over
when the public inquiry absolves the government,
concluding, it would not have been possible
for them to foresee ...
All reasonable steps were taken
.

I'll know it for sure
when the old "normal" is unmasked
and found to be
in quite rude health.


_____________



Vital Signs


I'll know that the lock-down's over
when the managing directors
of all the supermarkets
who have been keeping me informed
announce the end of rationing
by email. I've missed frozen spinach
(special offers, and the culture war).

I'll know that the lock-down's over
when they backfill
the archaeological excavation
of silence in which I heard
the sounds of my childhood
loud as birdsong and clapping
on a Thursday.

I'll know that the lock-down's over
when the black death emerges
from the gutters once again
and forty thousand statistics
are background noise, air pollution:
we must keep the engines
of industry turning.


I'll know that the lock-down's over
when former newspapers
resume their victim blaming,
and campaigns for a medal
occupy front pages, displacing
demands for a decent wage.
How can they think of striking
at a time like this?
To quote
a billionaire: Poverty,
is a vocation.


I'll know that the lock-down's over
when the public inquiry absolves
the government: concluding
it would not have been possible
for them to foresee ... all reason-
able steps were taken. I'll know it
when the small print obituary
for Brexit Unicorns (extinct,
due to covid),
passes unnoticed.

I'll know that the lock-down's over
When the old "normal" is unmasked
and found to be in quite rude health.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Vital Signs (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Apr 30, 2020 11:13 am

.
Greetings Luke.
Didn't realise parenthood was so deliterious to one's memory. Regardless, welcome back.
1lankest wrote:
Wed Apr 29, 2020 8:23 pm
I liked this very much, only I thought it got a little preachy and convoluted near the end.
Glad you enjoyed it. I think I can live with preachy and convoluted :) if, as you say, the humour,
come through. Wondered if your objection to s1/L7 arose from the same ambivalence?



Hi Trevor,
happy to take a reduced commentary, was it just the enjambments that troubled you?


Regards both, Not


.

TrevorConway
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Re: Vital Signs (v2)

Post by TrevorConway » Thu Apr 30, 2020 2:48 pm

No, Not, nothing to do with the actual language or rhythm, etc. It was just the direction it was taking me in s a reader. Being honest, my thoughts when reading the first few verses were along the lines of "Okay, so this is just a poem of what it'll be like when the lockdown's over", and the things chosen didn't feel all that original or interesting. Only later did it feel like the point was more specific - detailing the crappy things that are part of the norm. And that idea was much more interesting. I hope that's not too harsh; just my own thoughts on reading it.

Maybe it was also influenced by the fact that I'm also not a big fan of repetition, especially not for every verse, but I realise that repetition is an established technique in poetry, of course, so I'd never say it doesn't have a place - it just biases my opinion in some contexts, I guess.

Looking at it again, I think maybe the black death verse could stay in. It has some nice stuff, and it would set the tone without labouring it too much.

T
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Thu Apr 30, 2020 11:13 am
.
Greetings Luke.
Didn't realise parenthood was so deliterious to one's memory. Regardless, welcome back.
1lankest wrote:
Wed Apr 29, 2020 8:23 pm
I liked this very much, only I thought it got a little preachy and convoluted near the end.
Glad you enjoyed it. I think I can live with preachy and convoluted :) if, as you say, the humour,
come through. Wondered if your objection to s1/L7 arose from the same ambivalence?



Hi Trevor,
happy to take a reduced commentary, was it just the enjambments that troubled you?


Regards both, Not


.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Vital Signs (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Thu Apr 30, 2020 2:49 pm

.
Thanks T,
appreciate the explanation, will ponder.

Regards, Not



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ton321
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Re: Vital Signs (v2)

Post by ton321 » Fri May 01, 2020 3:05 am

Not

I agree with most of your sentiments, but it could be condensed.
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Vital Signs (v2)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Fri May 01, 2020 11:53 am

.
Hi Tony,
any place in particular you'd start pruning?

Regards, Not

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