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Bad love

Posted: Fri May 01, 2020 2:45 am
by ton321
The heart is trapped in its snare;
cold steel is bliss, non movement
is part of the game, the set stare
will hypnotise but allow no improvement.

The heart is hooded like a hawk
then when its lifted off,
cold claws, bony beak, not like a lark
more like the magpies cough

high up in winter trees, dark and etched
against the white, snow filled sky-
craw, craw, hoarse, the bitch
of cold draws around eventually.

Re: Bad love

Posted: Fri May 01, 2020 7:25 am
by TrevorConway
Hi Tony,

I thought the last verse was easily the most interesting, and the first felt lacking in originality. What would you think of removing it and switching the order of the remaining verses? For me, it makes for a much for intriguing and fresh poem. See what you think yourself, anyway. Some other changes incorporated below as well.

All the best,

T

Bad Love


High up in winter trees, dark and etched
against the white, snow-filled sky- ["sky-craw" seems a bit unclear to me, but maybe it's just a metaphor I'm not getting. If so, it's fine]
craw, craw, hoarse, the bitch
of cold draws around eventually. [Maye delete or replace "eventually"? It feels a bit redundant/weak]

The heart is hooded like a hawk
then when it's lifted off,
cold claws, bony beak, not like a lark ["Not like a lark" feels like a strange addition. It might make sense it the lark was a type of hawk, but since it isn't, it kinda feels like this part was included just to echo/rhyme with "hawk"]
more like the magpie's cough.

Re: Bad love

Posted: Sun May 03, 2020 11:36 pm
by ton321
Thanks Trevor
I agree that the last verse seems to be the least worst, but thanks for the comments/suggestions,
Tony