Jilted

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NotQuiteSure
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Jilted

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon May 11, 2020 12:59 pm

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Jilted*


You can douse those torches, nephew
and stop your singing. My sister,
your mother, has come to her senses.
The wedding is off.

I'd say it's because of the coffins,
wouldn't you?

All those years of plighting, nephew
(such uncommon fidelity)
and with what does he pitch up today?
Him

who would have us believe
he was cast from that same mould
and by Kresilas himself.
Look at him

standing alone at the altar,
a dower of coffins,
is that a statesman you see,
a leader bestriding this age,
a colossus? Or is he no more
than a dribble of lost wax?
Strategos, my arse.

Nephew, I tell you, if Clio, your mother,
my sister, were blindfolded, left
in a cave on a new moon midnight,
still she would know Archytas
from that son of Acacallis.
Unlike some.

Yes. Send the chorus home,
those maggots have stripped the flesh
from that tune, they're just scraping
bone now. Murderers,
the lot of them.




_________________


* Looking for a better title.




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Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Mon May 25, 2020 11:39 am, edited 5 times in total.

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lotus
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Re: Jilted by History

Post by lotus » Wed May 13, 2020 4:49 pm

dear Not

good to be reading you again

yet as i am not familiar with the history of such characters
i am at a loss to comment

a warm smile
silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Jilted

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed May 13, 2020 4:57 pm

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Hi Lotus,
good to be read by you.

I don't know how much it will help, but, here's the main cast, bar one ... :)

Kresilas ( c. 480 – c. 410 BC) - sculptor in the Classical period best known for his statue of Pericles
Clio - the Muse of History (mother of Hymen, sister of the narrator )
Archytas (428 – 347 BC) - (very accomplished person) may have served as one of the models for Plato's philosopher king,
Acacallis - the mother of Phylander.

Regards, Not


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Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Wed May 13, 2020 5:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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lotus
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Re: Jilted

Post by lotus » Wed May 13, 2020 5:04 pm

dear Not

many thankyuuus
i appreciate that
&
i will ask my wife the Art Historian
after she finishes grading university student final papers
to show me some Kresilas images

i hope all is well with you and yours
silent lotus
“A poem should have the touch ... the way sunlight falls on Braille.” .......silent lotus

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Jilted

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sun May 24, 2020 5:34 pm

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You're welcome, Lotus.

I'd be interested in seeing those images (if there are any)
as well :) There's not much on-line that I was able to find.

Regards, Not

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TrevorConway
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Re: Jilted

Post by TrevorConway » Sun May 24, 2020 8:57 pm

Hey Not,

This was a treat, because of the great tone you captured. I do have some major editing suggestions, though, both for general length/tightness and because the direct references to Greek myth took away from the poem in some way, I felt. I know it's very unlikely you'd make such a drastic change, as the Greek myth is integral to the poem, and a lot of material you may feel is essential might be lost, but anyway, I'll just give my take on it as a reader and apply suggestions below. Hope it helps in some way.

T


Jilted*

You can douse those torches, nephew
and stop your singing.
Your mother, has come to her senses.

The wedding is off.

I'd say it's because of the coffins,
wouldn't you?

All those years of plighting, nephew
(such uncommon fidelity),
and look at him,
standing alone at the altar.
Is it a statesman you see, a leader,
or is he no more
than a dribble of wax?

Send the chorus home;
those maggots have stripped the flesh
from that tune; they're just scraping bone now.
Murderers, all of them.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: Jilted

Post by NotQuiteSure » Mon May 25, 2020 11:38 am

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Hi T,
thanks for the read, and the suggested edit.
It costs me too much, I think. Can't kick at a would be classicist without the classical
references, and the idea of the piece, of being spurned by History herself, vanishes
without them.

Regards, Not


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