At a Distance (revision)

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capricorn
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At a Distance (revision)

Post by capricorn » Fri May 15, 2020 8:13 pm

At a Distance

we amble around Perry Hall Park
without you, recalling your Buddhist-like
hum that reassured us you were near.

In March, grassland was ablaze with
daffodils and crocus’ – April, trees
burst into a profusion of blossoms.

May scatters those petals to confetti
the pathways, we still tread alone.
Will June unlock you?

Back home I slump on your favourite chair,
missing the nuisance
of your shredded paper snowflakes.

My stomach tumbles each time
I hear the landline, in case it heralds
news that you are breathless.

Dozing, I hover above your safety fence,
then catch your monotone purr
as you march with David close at heel.

Your riant smile unwinds me, until
I wake with a jolt
as the ringtone fractures my lullaby.

------------------------------------------------
At a Distance

we amble around Perry Hall Park
without you, recalling your monotone
hum that reassured us you were near.

In March, grassland was ablaze with
daffodils and crocus’ -
April blossomed the trees.

Now May’s petals confetti
the pathways we tread alone.
Will June unlock you?

My stomach tumbles each time
the phone rings in case it brings
news that you are breathless.

At home I sit on your favourite chair,
missing the nuisance
of your shredded paper snowflakes.

Dozing, I hover above your safety fence,
catch you marching round
the lawn with David close at heel.

Your cheeky smile relaxes me, until
my reverie ends with a jolt
as the landline trembles.
Last edited by capricorn on Wed Jun 17, 2020 9:11 am, edited 2 times in total.

NotQuiteSure
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Re: At a Distance

Post by NotQuiteSure » Sat May 16, 2020 11:33 am

.
Hi Eira,
feels like two separate pieces to me (S1-3 and S4-7) that haven't
come together successfully ... yet.

I like the fiery 'ablaze' but then there's the damp squib of 'blossomed'
(couldn't April be doing something equally incendiary to the trees?)
and 'confetti' doesn't lead anywhere.

Is the 'phone' in S4 different from the 'landline'?

Might be more effective to have 'unlock you' lead into 'at home'?

Like 'missing the nuisance ...' but 'cheeky smile' is just far too
clichéd, for me. Come on Eira, buck up! :)

If you could, S4 seems to offer a stronger ending, but ...

Good to read you. Been too long.

Regards, Not

.

TrevorConway
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Re: At a Distance

Post by TrevorConway » Sat May 16, 2020 9:07 pm

Hi Eira,

I found this fairly generic up until verse 5, where the specific detail of the paper snowflakes felt more alive than the rest. I'd suggest removing the first 3 verses and packing more specific detail into the rest, details that could only possibly be related to the person mentioned in the poem (and potentially also details of the speaker). The cheeky smile didn't jar with me when I read it, but I agree with Not that it could be improved.

Nice to read your work,

T

capricorn
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Re: At a Distance

Post by capricorn » Wed Jun 17, 2020 12:11 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Sat May 16, 2020 11:33 am
.
Hi Eira,
feels like two separate pieces to me (S1-3 and S4-7) that haven't
come together successfully ... yet.

Glad you said 'yet :) '

I like the fiery 'ablaze' but then there's the damp squib of 'blossomed'
(couldn't April be doing something equally incendiary to the trees?)
and 'confetti' doesn't lead anywhere.

Hope the 'confetti' is clearer

Is the 'phone' in S4 different from the 'landline'?

Might be more effective to have 'unlock you' lead into 'at home'?

Have done this - hope it's better.

Like 'missing the nuisance ...' but 'cheeky smile' is just far too
clichéd, for me. Come on Eira, buck up! :)

changed cheeky

If you could, S4 seems to offer a stronger ending, but ...

Good to read you. Been too long.

My visits have not been frequent as I've lost my internet :roll: and have to use my son's computer.

Regards, Not

.
Thanks again, Not
Eira

capricorn
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Re: At a Distance (revision)

Post by capricorn » Wed Jun 17, 2020 12:14 pm

Thanks Trevor,

Sorry I'm late answering but my internet is off - have to rely on my son's computer when he's not using it. Doesn't add to my inspiration.

Eira

NotQuiteSure
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Re: At a Distance (revision)

Post by NotQuiteSure » Wed Jun 17, 2020 2:23 pm

.
i Eira.
Where did you lose you internet? Have you checked behind the sofa?
Still liking the heart of the piece, and wondering if the underlying anxiety might underlie less?
(It's those last two verses, to me they seem to undercut the strenght of s5)
Any way to more closely tie the petals to the snowflakes?

Probably too radical a suggestion, but, you know me. Couldn't help myself :)


May, At a Distance

we amble around Perry Hall Park
without your reassuring bumble hum.

In March, the grassland sparked daffodils
and crocus. In April, trees pinwheeled

with blossoms. Today we tread those
petals to a slush. Will June unlock you?

I slump in your favourite chair, missing
the nuisance of your shredded paper snowflakes.

My stomach tumbles each time I hear the landline,
breathless for news that I can breathe again.


Regards, Not


.

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